Old Age, You Can Suck It....

My intention with this post isn't to air any dirty laundry. I started this blog as a catalog of my life, and unfortunately, this falls into this category.

Now, let me tell you, I haven't always had the best relationship with my mom. I thought she was the world until I was a teenager. At that point, I realized she was human and had issues. I had my own as well. Things got better after I was older as it usually does with parents and their children.

Now I'm at that place in my life where I want to share every single thing that happens with me, Josh, or the kids with my mom. Unfortunately, I can't. Well, I could, but she wouldn't remember or it would start a fight.

She was a single mom and she never had enough money or time.
Now that she's older, she's taken care of and she has all the time in the world. She has every single thing she ever wanted out of her life... Except for her mind.

In December, she was diagnosed with dementia. It broke my heart as I watched her not remember what day or month it was. The nurse asked her to do a simple writing task and then left the room. By the time the nurse left the room, my mom couldn't remember what she was supposed to do.

We were sent to a specialist a couple of weeks ago. He ran tests on her and then spoke with us. He gave us our options for the moment. We won't have a diagnosis for what's causing the dementia until this Friday.

My mom, up until today, had the capacity to live alone.

Today, everything changed. She had what she calls dreams. What they are, are hallucinations. She was scared and upset over this "dream". She called the police and some family members. She then decided to go to the police station. While she was walking, she fell and hit her head on the pavement. She was so, so lucky that a) it wasn't freezing outside b)that she had a kind neighbor who saw it happen and helped her and bandaged her. He tried to call an ambulance, but she wouldn't let him.
It breaks my heart to think of my mama scared and trying to get help and then falling. I just picture all of this happening and it breaks my heart. How such a strong woman could instantly be so vulnerable.

She's not living by herself anymore. When we get some information, she'll be moved to an assisted living facility.

Y'all, she's so scared. She's angry. She's sad. We all are every single one of those things. I hate seeing anyone sad or scared, but especially someone who doesn't have a clue what's going on from one moment to another.

My process in trying to wrap my head around all of this has been anything but graceful. I ignored her at first. The things she would say when she was having an episode was too much for me. Then, it turned to anger. But, I wasn't angry at her. I almost felt nothing towards her. I couldn't figure that out. I would argue with her, but I had no emotion behind the argument. I realized this weekend, after a long talk with my sister, what was going on. If I was detached and angry, there was no room for any other emotion. You all know me. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I feel EVERYTHING... Every emotion. If I actually allowed myself to feel anything, then I would feel everything. My heart just can't take that load.

But after that realization, everything came flooding in. I'm sad for her. I'm angry for her. I'm guilty for the things I've said or done to her ever in my life. I'm jealous of people who still have coherent moms. I just want her to be happy.... to be okay. I want peace for her.

I miss her.

She taught my sister and me magical ways of living. Everything was art. A flower had a soul. The wind was music. Children were people too. Everyone had a story, and respect it. Folk music was the best. Roseanne was queen. Women were equal. And a Joni Mitchell song could fix anything. She used to sing me to sleep with Joni Mitchell's Circle Game... a song I still sing to my kids.

Those memories... those memories are the ones I need to hold tight to as this gets worse.

I know we aren't the only family going through this, but it feels so lonely. I'm hoping that once we get her into her new home, she'll calm down some.

Well, with that, I leave you with the Circle Game...


Yesterday, a child came out to wander
Caught a dragonfly inside a jar
Fearful when the sky was full of thunder
And tearful at the falling of a star

And the seasons they go 'round and 'round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game

Then, the child moved ten times 'round the seasons
Skated over ten clear frozen streams
Words like, "When you're older", must appease him
And promises of someday make his dreams

And the seasons they go 'round and 'round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return we can only look behind
From where we came,
And go round and round and round
In the circle game

Sixteen springs and sixteen summers gone now
Cartwheels turn to car wheels through the town
And they tell him, "Take your time. It won't be long now.
'Til your drag your feet to slow the circles down"

And the seasons they go 'round and 'round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game

So the years spin by and now the boy is twenty
Though his dreams have lost some grandeur coming true
There'll be new dreams, maybe better dreams and plenty
Before the last revolving year is through.

And the seasons they go 'round and 'round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return, we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and 'round and 'round
In the circle game
And go 'round and 'round and 'round in the circle game.