When I Said "I Do"

 I've been asked a lot lately about marriage advice and I've been told what a great couple we are, and that we have such a great marriage.

And we do... now.

But if you had asked me 9 years ago if we had a great marriage, I would have made a list of all of the things I felt were lacking in our marriage and the ways I wanted Josh to change to suit me.

Pretty harsh, right? 

Thankfully, with time comes wisdom. By God's grace and the fact that we refused to give up on one another, we'll celebrate our 10th anniversary in January. 

We entered our marriage after a whirlwind 6 months of dating long distance (he was at basic training). He was then deployed for another year and I had romanticized the whole time about what it would be like when he finally got home and we could start our life together. 

The truth is though, when he got home, nothing was how I expected it to be. 
I felt cheated on the whole marriage thing because movies had showed it to be so different from how it actually was. 

My parents divorced when I was 2. They fought for years afterwards and my mom hated men and thought that females were the superior gender. Josh's parents had a rocky marriage that had very traditional gender roles. Neither of us had a solid foundation to model our marriage after. 

We were completely lost and our ideas of what made a marriage were contradictory to one another. You can imagine how well this all came together for us... There were power struggles, harsh words, and unrealistic expectations of one another.

After our first big fight (one month after he got home), I was ready to throw in the towel. I remember running into the bathroom and trying to lock myself in while Josh was trying to come in to comfort me. The crack of the door opening reflected in the mirror and as I glanced into our reflections, my heart broke. 

I was pushing on the door with tears running down my face, hair a mess, and mascara running down my cheeks. Josh was pushing on the other side with a look of desperation and determination on his face. After giving up, I slid down the door and put my head in my knees, and Josh was finally able to push his way into the bathroom. I looked at him and said one of the most important things I have said to date, "I don't know how to be married." 

That sentence seems simple enough, but it was a game changer for me. 
I had admitted out loud that I had no clue what I was doing. Being the couple of know-it-alls that we are, that humbling moment of confessing to one another that we didn't know it all was enough for us to take a step back and open our hearts to learn how to love one another and how to build up our marriage instead of tearing it down.

If I didn't know how to be married, then I was going to learn, even if it killed me, and at times, situations hurt me so badly that I felt like it could. So, I set out to study. I studied blogs, books, my husband, myself, and eventually, after coming to know Christ, God's word. 

The next 6 years were the hardest. Yes, I said 6 years. Here's the thing: It takes years of work and studying to learn about your spouses likes, dislikes, habits, character, personality, insecurities, and quirks.

It takes years of not only learning, but practicing the right way to fight and the best way to communicate, learning when it's time to fight for something and when it's the right time to just be quiet, and learning when it's time to help your spouse fix a situation and when it's time to just listen to them vent. 

I've read from many resources over the years, but the one that changed my marriage the most was the Bible. I know, that sounds cliche and those of you who don't believe in it are probably saying, "Oh, here she goes." I know, because I've been you before. Just bear with me. The thing is, It's the one resource I read that was all encompassing of the one thing that needed to change: Me.

I poured through the book of Proverbs (not just chapter 31) and realized that I wasn't just neglecting being the wife that God required me to be, but most importantly, I realized that I was neglecting being the person that God requires me to be. I had wanted Josh to change so badly, that I overlooked my own flaws! And I had many. The only person in this world that I have control over is myself. Once I realized this, I began to work on my own character qualities. 

It still amazes me at how quickly our dynamic changed. I was no longer taking Josh's role as leader from him. I encouraged him to lead our household and he finally felt respected. I was softer in the way I spoke to him, I offered input only when it was asked for, and I learned to trust him in all the areas of our home life. I gave him what he longed for and I had vowed that I would continue giving it even if it wasn't reciprocated. That's where grace comes in. I realized that even after all of the years I rejected God, He still cared for me, loved me, and had my best interest in mind. I decided that I was going to do the same for my husband.

I became an easier person to love. Josh's guard was no longer up. He was no longer waiting for the inevitable, "Why didn't you do it this way? You should have listened to me. Just let me do it." I learned to tell him how I was feeling without being accusatory and blaming. 

Y'all, let me tell you, when I became an easier person to love, he poured his love toward me like never before. We were finally on the same page with each other. It was us against the world at that point. We were a team with the same goals. 

I can't tell you how good it feels to know that I have someone who has my back, who knows me better than I know myself, who knows how to cheer me up and calm me down, who knows when to hug me, and when to buy me a snickers. He is my best friend. It takes work, but the reward is so sweet.

Here we sit 10 years in and even though the process has hurt at times, it was worth every second if we get to spend the next 60 years together as partners in time. Yes, we still argue. Yes, we still get hurt. But it's few and far between now.

I pray that this has helped those of you who are in those hard years. Don't give up. Seek out counsel, pray, study, and, remember that your spouse is a human just like you. "I'm sorry" and I forgive you" go a long way.

Until next time,

 

Healthy Life, Happy Wife

I have no idea how this post will look when it gets published. I usually write on my phone and then go to the desktop to edit font size and spacing, but we're having technical difficulties in the Cook home this morning, so that's a no go. So, I'm sorry if it looks a little... off.

Anyways, good morning, friends! I hope this week is treating you well so far. I just wanted to give a little update to those who don't follow me on Facebook about the goings on around here.

Last week, Josh and I decided to do a life overhaul. It started when we quit smoking. In the past, we've replaced cigarettes with poor eating habits. It's pretty normal for that to happen,  but we decided the key to quitting both habits for the long term was to completely change all aspects of our health. We know what good things should go in our bodies, and what bad things to keep out, but knowledge and practice are two completely different things.

This time is different. We aren't getting younger and our bodies are feeling and showing the effects of the abuse we've done to ourselves. For me personally, my weight has yo-yo'd up and down 20 pounds for years and I have stretch marks to prove it. Years of tanning and smoking has left me with questionable freckles and wrinkles. My skin is constantly dry and flaking from drinking too much coffee and not enough water. My blood sugars are all over the place which causes epic mood meltdowns and overeating when they get too low. But the biggest blow is my self esteem.

We went bra shopping a couple of months ago and my band size had ballooned into the special section of the lengerie where you're forced to buy bras that look like they should hold potatoes instead of your chest, and have a broad and fun range of only 3 colors. I was devastated and I had a breakdown in the middle of Target. Needless to say, our fun date had turned into a disaster and I made the decision that we should invest in a treadmill. That ended up being our next stop.

I've been running at least 4 days a week, but I knew that wasn't enough. I needed to be able to breathe while I ran, so we ditched the smoking. My biggest change though is our diet. We've always sort of eaten healthy, but I knew we could up our game by a lot. Fortunately we had a bare fridge and pantry, so it was easy to restock with our new diet. We bought as much organic as we could afford (Aldi makes that much easier to do), we bought seafood and chicken for our meats (we prefer those meats anyways), we bought tons of fruits and veggies, cut down our carbs because many carbs carry hidden sugars, and we stocked up on smoothie ingridients.

We put the groceries in the car and Josh looked at me and said, "We bought chia seeds and ground flax. We've gone full on crunchy. We're really doing this."

Yup, we sure are.

And I'm excited.

Here's a peek into my workout schedule and my daily diet as of right now.

Workout:
Monday I work my arms.
Wednesday I work my core.
Friday I work my legs.
Tuesday and Thursday I do a 20 minute run.
Saturday I run sprints.
Sunday I rest.

I have this schedule and the times I'm going to do these written on a calendar by the treadmill to hold myself accountable and to make sure I don't get overwhelmed when I think long term. It's one day at a time.
I also try to do as many activities that I can in the yard that don't seem like a workout but are. Gardening,  mowing, jumping on the trampoline, etc...
Y'all, yard work is TOUGH. I made new flowerbeds yesterday and my arms ache so much today.

Diet: This really varies day-to-day and I've already explained what foods we've chosen to eat. On top of this, I drink water.
So. Much. Water.
I'm peeing constantly.
I also add chia seeds to as many recipes as possible because they expand when wet, so they're a good filler to help you not eat too much. We've tried to do smoothies for breakfast as often as possible because it helps us to detox.

It's only been one week, so weight loss hasn't happened for me yet. I have PCOS, and it makes losing weight so much harder than it should be. I'm not too worried about weight though. I'm more focused on gaining muscle and losing inches. For my body type, I gain muscle pretty easily and I lose inches easily, so I'm seeing some of that already. My neck, arms, shoulders, and legs are already toning up. My midsection is the tortoise in this race though, and that's the area I'm most self concious about, so that's kind of a bummer. But it'll happen one day. I have so much more energy now. The chores aren't as daunting because I actually feel like doing them and honestly, when I have a good workout in the A.M., I kind of have this I-am-woman-hear-me-roar attitude the rest of the day. I've also noticed that my eyes are brighter and my skin is more glowing. I don't know if it's because I'm hydrated, or if it's the diet or exercise. But I do know it makes me happy when I look in the mirror.

If you decide to start this journey, please remember that every little change is a good thing. You don't have to go balls-to-the-wall like we did. Also, your body is different than mine. You may need a different routine or diet. Do research and listen to your body. Note what works and what doesn't.

Thanks for going on this journey with me. You guys are part of my accountability and I'll post more updates later!

Love,
Heather

50 Facts About Me

Seeing as it's another freezing, dreary day here in Arkansas, I figured this would be a great day to share random facts about myself. It's always weird (and difficult) coming up with these facts, but I'll do the best that I can!

1. I am a sibling and an only child. (This is what happens when you have a half-sister from your mom, and you are the only child of your dad.) Never thought about it like that? Well, now you can't stop.

2. I can sing Silent Night in German thanks to my high school choir director. (Hey, there, Mr. Street!)

3. Yes, I was a choir nerd in school, and yes, I can sing. In fact, I sing unapologetically on the treadmill every morning.

4.  My favorite season is whichever is the next one coming up. By the time a season rolls around, I've already celebrated it in my head, so I move on to the next.

5. I have impeccable aim when I play trash can basketball. But heaven forbid I ever get a goal when shooting a real basketball.

6. I have created a strategy guide in my head about eating at a buffet to maximize the experience, and I always follow it.

7. I LOVE shiny things, whether it's glitter, ice, or tail lights in the fog. I can literally sit and stare at anything shiny for an unreasonable amount of time. It's almost caused me to wreck more than once.

8. I hate being alone. Can't stand it. I thrive best when there are other people around. I'm a scary person left to myself.

9. I love to talk. It doesn't matter if I know you or not, once I'm comfortable around you (which takes around 15 minutes if you aren't super creepy), I just don't shut up. This is especially true when I'm watching a movie, so sorry to friends and family that have to deal with that. 

10. I get overstimulated easily by television shows and movies. I'm known to take breaks during the viewing so I can calm down and reel in my emotions. Which brings me to...

11. I am extremely empathetic. No, I'm not bragging, because I don't see it as a good thing. I have very few negative people in my life for this reason. If there's an extremely heavy conversation that happens, I love listening and sharing advice or my own stories, but I have to have a short period of meditation afterwards to shake the feelings of the person I'm speaking to out of my system. It's weird, but I guess it happens. 

12. I'm a genealogy enthusiast and have tracked my family's heritage back to the 1500's.

13. I had a recurring nightmare for a year after watching Stephen King's The Stand. I didn't sleep longer than 30 minutes at a time the first week because I was so terrified. I still haven't watched the movie in its entirety again.

14. Sudden, loud noises make me extremely angry. Screaming, gun shots, hammers, etc... 

15. I'm obsessed with essential oils. Love me some lavender.  

16. I was an extreme germophobe from the age of 10-17. If I thought someone was sick, I would hold my breath until I wasn't around them. If they touched the top of my cup, I wouldn't use it. This is hilarious considering the fact that my house was a mess because of mom's hoarding. 

 17. When I meet you, I'll treat you like my best friend until you give me a reason not to. I just don't see why I should hold back if I have no reason to not trust or like you.

18. I'm color blind. No, that does not mean that I only see black and white. It means that I can't tell what some colors are. I can clearly tell primary colors, but when colors start mixing to make other colors, all bets are off. There was an ongoing dispute between Josh and myself about our couches one time. Apparently our couches were green, I thought they were brown. It's like, WHY did no one tell me?! How could they let me but green couches. Now I have to ask everyone else what color something is before I buy anything. And it's an ongoing game with my family. "What color is this, Heather? Nope! It's this color!" I am not amused.

19. Next January, Josh and I will have been married for a decade. That blows my mind.

20. I always forget that I'm 4'11... Until someone rests their arm on my head. 

21. I've had nail polish on my toes every single day for 17 years.

22. I just had to use a calculator to figure that out because I'm terrible at math.

23. If I know you really well, I'll sing my conversation to you instead of speaking it.

24. I always come up with song parodies in my head, and I'm happy to report that has been passed down genetically to both of my kiddos.

25. I love cats. If God-forbid something tragic ever happened to Josh, I would never remarry. I would use the life insurance to adopt as many cats as possible and I would enjoy being ignored (except for feeding time) time by all of my new furry friends.

26. I love storms. I'm terrified of them, but I love them. Does that even make sense?

27. My favorite comfort food is Pepsi, Oreos, and ice cold almond milk.

28. Clutter drives me insane. As in, I cease to function. I'll mope around in a helpless daze until it's gone.

29. I obsess over money. I have to know down to the penny how much is in the bank at all times. It's not that I obsess over how to get more money, I just need to know that we have enough. Checking the bank is the first thing I do when I wake up and the last thing I do before I go to bed. I have gotten somewhat better since Josh has been handling our money, but the fear is always there.

30. I whole-heartedly believe in ghosts. I can't explain what they are or where they come from, but I know they exist, and they scare the fire out of me. 

31. The house that I grew up in is extremely haunted and is one of the most terrifying places to be alone.

33. I love shooting guns, and I'm a pretty good aim. Remember that if you ever try to break into our house.

34. When I was little, all I would eat at buffets were ham cubes, shredded cheese, and any kind of shrimp they had. 

35. I love climbing trees. In fact, when Josh was in Iraq, I would climb the oak tree in my backyard to write him his letters.

36. I used to give rides to strangers until a little old man turned down my offer for a lift and scolded me for 15 minutes about how dangerous it was. Then I had to promise him that I would never do it again. I haven't.

37. My cousin and I dressed up as Claude and Claudette (the mascots for a local festival in town) one year. It was hot, miserable, and kids threw rocks at us. BUT, we got free t-shirts that said STAFF, so it was worth it.

38. Josh and I used to sing on a praise team at church, and I desperately miss it.

39. I will eat sour candy until my mouth peels from it. I did this just the other day. Nothing tastes right still.

40. I have discussions and pep talks with inanimate objects if they aren't doing what I want them to.

41. The only Disney Princesses I ever pretended to be were Pocahontas and Belle. I may still do this from time to time.

42. I love lists. I have about 15 ongoing  lists stored in my phone. These aren't counting the lists I have in my notebook that I carry with me.

43. I love notebooks. I have a terrible memory, so I have to write down more things than the average person. I recently purged about 10 notebooks that were full of random lists and memos to myself. I made a pledge to only use one at a time from now on. 

44. My sister and I are extremely close, even when we fight.

45. I would rather pay a person to scratch my back than to massage it.

46. I have had an unhealthy crush on Bruce Willis ever since I saw him in The Fifth Element.

47. I don't sleep at all when I know Josh isn't going to be home. 

48. If I could go back to 16 year old me, I would hug the crap out of her, and then smack her upside the head.

49. When I'm mad at someone, I'm known for forgetting about it within an hour. I can't stay mad at people.

50. I have the life that I always dreamed of when I was little.
That. Is. Awesome.

Let's Talk Love Languages

Last night Josh and I were unwinding after an incredibly busy day. I was irritable and apparently I was doing a poor job of hiding it. 
Being the brave man that he is, Josh asked if I was irritated.

"Well, yes, to be honest."
"Is it something that I did?"
"You have to slow roast me before I feel up for anything tonight! You can't just crawl into bed and expect me to instantly shut down from the day and go into wife mode. I need you to butter me up the entire day for me to be able to relax and focus solely on being your wife."
*Note: He wasn't trying anything saucy. At all. He was across the room.*
"What? How did we got from talking about the Powerball and cupcakes to this?"
*pointing to my head* "Spaghetti noodles!"
"What?"
"Remember at that one marriage seminar where the guys talked about how women's brains are like spaghetti noodles because all issues interconnect and men's are like waffles because y'all can compartmentalize issues?"
"Oh. Yeah."
"Well, that's what's going on here."

 In reality, I had felt myself feeling the stress in my throat for a good portion of the day, but there was absolutely no time to communicate this to Josh. After he got home from work, he went straight to a meeting with a gentleman from his unit to give some counseling, and from there he went straight to church where he me up with the kids and me. 

Since last weekend was drill, I had the full responsibility of all housework, make up homeschooling, and bill paying,  plus getting the kids dressed, fed, and to a new church by myself. That's where the stress began, but it continued to be fed because, well, life happens, and Josh and I hadn't had the time to reconnect where I could share my heart and he could share his.

I'm always stressed because, well, that's my personality, but usually I can manage it better. Since I had days to think about why I felt that life was swallowing me whole, I knew exactly what was going on. 

"Do you remember how we took that love languages test awhile back?"
"Yeah."
"Well, yours was acts of service and quality time, and mine was physical touch and words of affirmation. I've felt distance from you for a little while because we haven't had time face-to-face to really feed our needs, so I've been trying to up my game so that you know that I love you. But I've been pretty silent about not feeling like my needs are being fed."

Okay, so let's talk Love Languages.
Most of you have surely heard of this test, but for those of you who haven't, let me explain.
Everyone craves love, however, we all crave different kinds. And typically, the ways that we show love tends to be our language, not the person's who's on the receiving ends language.  

Let's take Josh and myself for example. If you happen to be friends with me on Facebook, often you'll see me verbally praising Josh for his accomplishments, or how much I love him, etc... The thing is, even though he's appreciative of that, it doesn't fill his love tank. However, words of affirmation is one of my love languages, so that's how I naturally show my love to people.  He on the other hand, would go to the store 20 times during Thanksgiving to get everything that I forgot without thinking twice. While I'm really, truly thankful that I didn't have to go myself, it just doesn't fulfill me. But that's how he shows love because one of his love languages is acts of service. It's actually pretty cool to observe relationships after taking this test, because it's obvious most of the time how people need to be loved.

Once you've taken the test online (I'll post the link at the bottom), it will further explain what each language entails and such, but it's a pretty broad answer. You have to really sit down and define exactly what your language means to you personally and why that is. 

For example, let's start with me. 
(Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation)

Physical Touch:
Most people automatically assume that this means in a sexual way, and to some, it might. But for me, that's not it at all. The kind of touching that I crave from Josh is in the form of his arm around my shoulder at church, or his hand on the small of my back when we're walking, or even just a hug when I'm having a lousy day.

Why? 
It's a protective thing. When he touches me in these ways, I know that A) He's paying attention to my feelings. He knows that I need a hug right then, B) He's proclaiming to the world that "this is my woman, and I like her." (Yes, that's kind of archaic, but it's what butters my bread), and C) I feel secure when I know that he's right there beside me.

Words of Affirmation:
I constantly doubt myself. Am I a bad mom? Am I a bad wife? Was dinner good? When Josh praises me, I feel amazing. No, you shouldn't need to be validated by others to feel good about yourself, but a cheer from the family pep squad will never hurt a person. I crave validation.

Why?
I do a lot of things for my family. A. Lot. And I don't mind doing those things at all. In fact, caring for them is my happy place. But, sometimes I wonder if my efforts are being noticed or appreciated. I need to hear praises so resentment doesn't build inside me. I know that my family would never, ever take advantage of me, but human feelings step in and overtake logic sometimes. In the past, when Josh has praised me on Facebook for something that I did for him, or praised a dinner I made, I have stored that compliment in my heart and I pull it out from time-to-time when I'm feeling overwhelmed. Just remembering the compliments makes me blush and not only continue doing every day tasks, but doing them joyfully. 

It fills my love tank.

Now, let's take Josh for example.
(Acts of Service, Quality Time)

Acts of Service: 
I was pretty clued into what he needed in this area, because he tries to serve me in this way constantly. As I mentioned before, he's the goer in our family, as in he goes to the store for forgotten groceries, decorations, and medicines in the middle of the night. I knew I could feed this language by starting his car in the mornings, making his lunch for work, packing his bag for drill, and laying out his work uniform for him so he didn't have to search for it. But what I didn't know was why this way of helping him was important, so I asked him.

Why?
"It let's me know that you have my back." I was thrilled that was his answer because I realized that he saw me not as a servant, but as a teammate. His battle buddy. His right hand gal. He isn't a trusting person at all, so it always catches me off-guard when I realize that I'm one of the handful of people that he does trust. So now when I brave the cold wind to start his car in the morning, I don't mind as much because I'm letting him know that he can count on me with big things and small.

Quality Time:
I had assumed that this language meant being around each other. So this confused me when we'd be watching a movie, because he would be sitting there scrolling through Facebook on his phone. I thought quality time meant no distractions? Did he take the test wrong? Nope. Laying around watching movies doesn't qualify as quality time to him. When I asked him what he needs in this area, he said, "Hiking, home projects, yard work, etc.." 

Why?
"I need purposeful time with you. Time that we have set aside where we're working toward a common goal, whatever that happens to be." He needs a purpose to our time together. That makes sense since he's a very logical person. Why sit around doing nothing when we can spend our time together doing something meaningful? Why not do things together and then sit back and take in the glory of our finished task together? I kind of wonder if this might be why he gets agitated when I take on large projects by myself? 

There's another question to ask him.

I hope that this has been helpful to you guys, because it helped us to sit down and hammer down what exactly our languages meant to us. If you're interested in taking the test, here is the link.

We'll talk again soon, friends!

Things I'm obsessed With: January

Hey there, friends!

It's the weekend! 
Although, since I'm a stay-at-home mom, this means nothing to me. 

*shrugs*

That's okay though. For me personally, it's always a relief when the weekend rolls around because there's fewer errands to run, and the ones that I do have to run are usually fun ones.

Anyways, back to the matter at hand.

It feels like it's been forever since I've done a Things I'm Obsessed With post, so I figured I would start fresh this year.

This month I've been obsessed with:

The Piano 

I've always wanted to learn how to play the piano. I mostly remember how to read sheet music from being a choir nerd in school, but it's very different singing a note versus playing it on an instrument. So far, I can handle a song with one flat or sharp, but obviously I do my best in the key of C. You know, enough for it to seem like a cool party trick. I've learned a few beginner classics like Fur Elise, Pachelbel Canon, Greensleeves, and the the beginning of Let It Go. because when you have a three year old daughter, that's going to be a request.
I'm currently learning this song though!

My favorite show!

Makeup

I've always worn makeup, but for the most part, I've never played with makeup.
Yes, you can do that as an adult. 
I've been experimenting with different brands, cream vs powder blush, and I've finally learned how to fill in my eyebrows. 
Yes, ladies, it makes a difference and completes a look. 
End of story, Amen.
I've worn Neutrogena mineral powder foundation for forever, but I hate paying almost $13 a month to buy it. But recently, I've discovered Rimmel cosmetics and so far, I'm in LOVE.

Right now I'm using:

FInd it here.

Find it here.

 

 

 

I got the Stay Matte because it was recommended by a beauty YouYuber (more about that in a moment.) Usually my face isn't shiny in the wintertime because it's too busy flaking off to be able to produce shine. But I'm using so much moisturizer right now that I have to neutralize that somehow.
I eventually want to branch out to other products in the brand, but for now I need to use up what I have in my stash.

YouTube

When Sawyer is doing his workbooks during school, I have to have something going on in the background because I'd go crazy otherwise. So I put in my ear buds and turn on my favorite channels. At the moment, my favorites are all British. I've watched them so much that I've found myself almost speaking with a British accent.
Three of the channels I've been watching are:

Tanya Burr-

 

 

Her channel has all kinds of makeup tutorials, shopping trips, and other fun things. She also does vlogs where you can watch her go on random adventures around London.
You can find her channel here.

Zoella-

 She's honest, quirky, hilarious, and glamorous, all rolled into one. She also has beauty videos, as well as a vlog channel. 
You can find her channel here.

And last but not least, 
Louise from Sprinkle of Glitter.

She is absolutely my favorite because I can relate to her the most. She has a husband and a child, and is shaped more like me, so I can  look at her fashion and be inspired. And she is absolutely lovely and hilarious, plus, her best friend is Zoella, and their videos together have me in stitches.
You can find her channel here. 

These three ladies have changed my perspective about what being a woman is about. They're pretty much awesomesauce.

Fashion


Most of you who know me are "Whaaaat?"  I know, it shocked me, too. In fact, it kind of snuck up on me. It started when I styled my niece for a dance that she went to. As I went from store to store putting items of clothing together, I found that even though I was tired and "hangry", I was enjoying the challenge. It just kind of grew from there. Then I bought a few clothing items that are not my norm, loved them, and I was hooked from then on. I tend to like more classic pieces that can be worn together and are comfortable. 

 

With a little bit of nerd thrown in for good measure...

 You can find more of my style, plus all of the websites where these looks are on my fashion Pinterest board.



Chapstick

It's winter. Lip chap (as Josh calls it) is an essential. I have to be careful about what lipsticks and chapsticks I use, because most products dry my lips out quickly. I don't know why, but it's a sad, sad truth. 

My go to is 

It's not pretty, it doesn't smell nor taste yummy, and it doesn't have any color or shine to it, but it works. 
Really, it's pointless for me to buy anything else, but I always do because well, I'm an addict. 
Recently I also bought a three pack that has the Blistex Deep Renewal, Silk and Shine, and Lip Vibrance in it. They all suck the moisture out of my lips by the end of the day (I think that's a Heather thing, not a Blistex thing) but they each have a different purpose in my beauty routine, so they're keepers! I've used Silk and Shine since I got it in my Christmas stocking in high school. I think it pairs well with a smokey eye because it has a subtle shimmer that enhances your natural lip color. I love it!

Alrighty, that wraps up my January obsessions, y'all! I hope each of you have found something to obsess over on this list! 

Have great weekend!

-Heather
 

Mommy's Gone Crazy

Some people think that since I stay home with our kids and we homeschool, that I have all of the time in the world to get myself and the kids ready, schooled, and the house clean, complete with a hot meal on the table for the hubby when he walks in at 5:30 every evening. 

Honestly, that's what my plan is every morning when I wake up and my feet hit the floor. 

However, that isn't how it plays out most days. 

 This truth had never been more real to me until yesterday when I had an unexpected knock on the door at 2:30 on the afternoon.

 You see, I had decided to rearrange everything in my living room that morning during our school hours. Terrible mistake mind you, but I'm impatient and only have a small amount of time on my hands to do luxurious things such as moving furniture and wall hangings, which subsequently means sweeping thousand of crayons and cat toys out from where the couch had been, plus dusting all of the pictures that I had taken down.
 The living room was still in the throws of upheaval and since I knew I was going to be sweaty and dusty, I didn't bother showering that morning. 

Gross, but logical. 

I had just moved the fish tank from the kitchen table (which had newspapers and paint scattered all over it from finishing up a pinewood derby car) to the bookshelf and had sloshed about half of the tank water all over my chest. I don't know how many of you have or have had goldfish, but they are dirty little creatures.
Picture me standing in the middle of the wrecked living room, complete with hammers, crayon piles, and wires everywhere looking back-and-forth  from the messy table to the fish tank to my shirt which now smelled like a green pond on a hot day. 

I just knew then and there that I was over that day and bedtime needed to come in the next thirty minutes for everyone's sake. 

Then I looked at the clock and it was only 2 in the afternoon. 

*sigh*

So I came to grips with myself and trudged into the bedroom to change my shirt. I dug through the laundry baskets full of the clothes I hadn't folded and put away from the day before and found an acceptable ratty shirt to wear for the next couple of hours. I still smelled like fish tank, but I knew I was going to shower soon, so I brushed it off.  As I looked around our bedroom, I quickly remembered that it was Monday, which meant it was a big laundry day, so I found all of the hampers and dumped them in the only clean part of the floor in the living room so I could sort them. 

I like to add more chaos when I can.

I got my huge laundry piles separated and was passing through the kitchen on my way to the laundry room when I spied wadded up, half chewed pieces of bread all over the kitchen floor. Being the attention deficit person that I am, I set down the laundry load to pick up the  bits of bread. I would have put them in the the trash, except it seemed that I am the only one who's trash bag changing skills are exemplary enough to accomplish such a feat, therefore everyone leaves the job to me. It's an honor, really. So I changed and took out the trash. As I went to get under the kitchen sink to get a new trash bag, I realized that the sink was now overflowing with dishes that the stupid past me didn't do the night before, nor that morning. So I unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher and started it, only to realize that there were still dishes left because our dishwasher is half the size of normal ones. 

 I debated  for about one second about washing the rest by hand, but screw that, I didn't exactly feel like it. 

 I was making my way to my bathroom to finally get my shower when, *knock, knock, knock*

 I looked around at my living room which was in shambles before, but now had three new piles of laundry in the floor as well as a puddle from the fish tank. Then I panned to the kitchen which still had dirty dishes, an empty trash can sitting in the middle of it, and the laundry basket brimming with clothes sitting on the sticky counter.

And finally, I looked at myself, wearing pink fuzzy pajama pants, an I'll fitting, ratty shirt, and my hair was half up, half down because I had gotten in caught on a nail in the wall as I was bending over. 

Plus I smelled like fish water still. 

This next part happened in slow mode in my eyes. 

I saw Sawyer start to open his mouth. I knew what was going to happen next. He was going to yell across the room that someone was at the door, as if I wasn't already aware.

I leaped as gracefully and as quietly as I could to the kitchen table to cover his mouth before he made a sound. 

It had to have been thrilling to be a fly on the wall at this moment.   It was as if I swooped in like an eagle to hush him and usher him into the bedroom to get out of view of the front window. 

It was there, hunkered down in the floor of our dark bedroom, trying to stay quiet, that I realized I had hit a new low.
Sawyer looked up and said with fear in his eyes, "Are we in danger?" 

At this point, the lady (who I didn't know) had left and I assured Sawyer that we were safe and explained why mommy went psycho. 

I eventually got everything sorted and cleaned (including myself) by the time Josh got home. I would have told him about my day, but I don't know if he could empathize as well as my friends, so I just didn't bother, and now I'm telling y'all in the hopes that you can.

The moral of the story here is: Always call me an hour before you come over, if you do show up unannounced, be prepared for this kind of scenario when you get here, and always tackle big projects on the weekend. 

Happy, Tuesday, friends! May it be better than your Monday!

Control Fast: Day 5

Yep, I've decided that maybe this should be a daily or almost daily insight to my struggle. You'll see why in a second.

 I was feeling on top of it all today. I had posted a fairly successful post about how great the first week was going, so naturally, I jinxed myself. 

I'm awesome like that.

I've conquered homeschool micromanaging for the most part by now. I still have twinges (literally, eye twinges) from stifling the need to huffily say, "Why are you doing so-and-so this way? It would be so much easier if you just did it this way!" I compare it to quitting smoking cold turkey. Things are running smoothly, then suddenly a trigger will happen causing me to crave control.

Other than those few twinges, I had this in the bag...

That is, until we went to the park.

I've always been over controlling, verging on psychotic when it comes to my kids in public. You know how kids can be perfect angels at home and then exert all of that pent up naughtiness the second fresh air and sunshine touch those sweet, misleading, angelic faces?
Yeah, my kids are sooo guilty. So I swoop in to correct them, and to be honest, it's mostly to teach them a lesson so they grow into productive adults, but it's also partly so other adults know that I'm aware of the problem. Then maybe they can quit being judgey-McJudgersons and quit with the glares. 

Yeah, I micro manage my kids in public to save face. 
I'm such a good mom.

 I was well aware of this problem in the first place, but nothing shouts "HEY! You really, really suck at letting kids be kids, lady" than taking your kids to a place where danger, dirt, and other kids (and their parents) are abundant. I literally had to bite my tongue oh, about 100 times. 
"Be mindful of the smaller kids. Don't swing that high. Don't throw rocks. Don't slide head first. Don't touch the duck poop. Stay away from the water. Quit whining. Yes, we have to go for a walk. Don't get too far ahead. Stop dragging behind. We have to hold hands crossing the street." And it went on and on.

Granted, some of these things were for safety's sake, but really, if they had gotten dirty or bruised, it wouldn't have been the end-all-be-all.

I stopped myself mid sentence numerous times. Really, the kids had a great time, but for me, it was two hours of anxiety. 

When we got home (my controlled environment) I was so frazzled that I let the kids go do whatever kids do in their rooms, put in my ear buds, blared my 90's alternative station on Pandora, closed my eyes, and rocked back-and-forth on the couch for 30 minutes. (Okay, more like 10 minutes.)
If I can't see or hear it, it's not happening, therefore I can't correct it, right?

 I realized then that that was why our normal homeschool days were going so swimmingly.
I had just blocked out what was happening. I hadn't truly had to confront my issues head on without some kind of safety distraction.

 After I had calmed down some, I decided to start in on making dinner. Suddenly, I was overcome with the urge to completely pull everything out of the drawers, cabinets, and fridge to deep clean, purge, and redecorate the entire kitchen. 
Cause that's normal, right?
Yeah, no, it's not. 
At all.

 Then of course I had to figure out why I wanted to change everything suddenly. 

 Yeah, you guessed it. Since I couldn't control people or situations any longer, I was trying to control the daggum decor!
Now that I think about it, every time I've done something drastic to the house, it's been during a time when I felt things were out of my control. 

Hmm...

 When Josh got home I shared with him about my kitchen project. 
"So, I want to do blah-de-blah  to the kitchen. Is this something that you really want to be a part of? Cause, you know, control fast and all, so I have to ask. But if you aren't involved and you don't care, it's not controlling, right?''

He just shot me a look, so I dropped the subject.

So, I threw away a few things that I'm sure he won't miss (a burnt down candle and fake flowers) and moved a couple of things (more fake flowers) to a different room. 
I felt better. At this point I'll take what I can get. 

*sigh*

 Alas, tomorrow is another day. So I guess we'll see what it'll bring for me and then eventually for you to read. Wish me luck, friends!

Until next time,
Heather

Control Fast: End of Week One

 "I'm going on a month long fast."
Josh's eyes widened with concern, then squinted with curiosity. "What?"
"Oh, not food. You know I like food too much. I mean a control fast."
"Okay. Explain maybe?"
"I was reading that book about control that...ahem... you so subtly suggested, and the writer went on a control fast...
During the holidays...
For one week...
I figure that one week during the holidays equates to a month during normal times."

 The book I'm talking about is Let. It. Go.: How to Stop Running the Show and Start Walking in Faith.

 

You can find it here.

  How this whole thing came about was from me telling Josh about my resolution to read a book every month. I "suggested" that he should do the same because, well, I honestly don't know why. It's possible it was because I'm a control freak.

  There, I said it. You see, before this book, I didn't think I was controlling. Like, at all. I thought I was fine because I do keep a lot of my opinions to myself. However, I guess I have so many opinions about how things should be done, that they spill out anyways.

Anyways, that crafty man of mine was searching for books when *gasp* he "randomly" came across a book on sale about control. 

It's possible I'm being paranoid, but it's more fun to think I married some crafty genius who is great at masterminding ways to get people to help themselves. 

So, I bought the book and I finished it in a few days.

I officially started my fast on Monday. 

Lord, help me. 

I had no idea how many decisions I made in one day: What was for breakfast, when it was time to start school, which direction the kids should brush their teeth in, how hair would be styled, what outfits the kids would wear, what Josh's lunch would be, which school subject would be done first, how Sawyer should hold his pencil, how he should erase his mistakes, whether or not he really needed that second bathroom break, what we would eat for snack...

Those decisions were all made by 8:30 in the morning, and they didn't even include decisions I had to make for myself. 

No wonder I'm exhausted all of the time.

Now, before you go and chastise me to a bloody pulp, after lots of reflecting this week, I think I've figured out why I control like I do.

I honestly didn't feel like I was doing a bad thing initially. I was being a good mom by making sure my kids looked nice, were hygenic, and had an organized education. I also felt like I was a loving wife who worried about the small things so her husband didn't have to.

But, oh, how my views have changed. By taking these decisions away, my kids will never learn self accountability, or time management. My husband will never get to have his own identity in his own home.

  As I looked around the house and as I thought hard about our schedule, I realized that everyone was having to live in the strict world of Heather. All the decor, furniture arrangement, food in the fridge, clothing in the closet were dictated by me. I couldn't find a single thing that Josh had picked out besides the gun rack that hangs in our bedroom. Note, our bedroom that no one ever goes into.

I thought about this last weekend. Josh and I had a major fight about money. Mainly about how I micromanage it and how he feels like I treat him like a child. He even complained to his friends about it.

Ouch. That hurt, but I completely saw that he was * gulp* right.

  So Monday was a new day. Sawyer decided which order we would do our school in and I resolved to not nag him about how long it would take him to finish.
Often I caught me hushing myself mid sentence when I had something that needed input. 

Or that I thought needed input.

It was a very long day, but in the end, Sawyer felt accomplished and all the work got done.

One of the things that stood out to me the most in the book was when the author shared her friend's mantra: "2+2=4, 1+3=4, 5-1=4, etc..."

Basically, there are many different ways to get the same result.

Wow.

I kept that in mind all week and it helped me take a time out when my control addiction reared it's ugly head.

So, here we are at the end of week one. I've obviously shared the struggles, but I've also noticed some perks. Though they may be few, they are profound.

1. I'm learning about who my family members are as individuals. By me not making the decisions, others are forced to. Therefore, I get to learn about the things that they like.

2. Josh now has to take control. For years now, I've begged Josh to  take the lead. But, when you have a micromanaging wife, why would you? What would be the point? If you made a decision, she would come along and argue about why it wasn't the best decision or she would change the decision after you were gone. Now he makes a decision and it sticks.

3. My family members now have more confidence in themselves. I've seen all of them perk up and step up. They walk differently, proudly. I think it's because they finally feel respected. 

4. I laugh again. We're talking whole-hearted,  belly laughs. You see, I'm able to relax now. I have no control over anything. I make no decisions about anything (when Josh is around) especially money. I have nothing to do with decisions about money, which is a huge load off. I didn't realize how it was weighing on me. Even though we have money, deciding how to distribute it, or feeling the guilt of a bad purchase was overwhelming. Without this anxiety filling me up, I feel lighter and I'm able to see fun in the world again.

I feel like this fast has been fun so far, but I'm afraid harder roads may be ahead, because it can't possibly be this easy. I guess we'll see. 

We'll speak again next Friday, friends! 

Until next time, 
-Heather