I've been asked a lot lately about marriage advice and I've been told what a great couple we are, and that we have such a great marriage.
And we do... now.
But if you had asked me 9 years ago if we had a great marriage, I would have made a list of all of the things I felt were lacking in our marriage and the ways I wanted Josh to change to suit me.
Pretty harsh, right?
Thankfully, with time comes wisdom. By God's grace and the fact that we refused to give up on one another, we'll celebrate our 10th anniversary in January.
We entered our marriage after a whirlwind 6 months of dating long distance (he was at basic training). He was then deployed for another year and I had romanticized the whole time about what it would be like when he finally got home and we could start our life together.
The truth is though, when he got home, nothing was how I expected it to be.
I felt cheated on the whole marriage thing because movies had showed it to be so different from how it actually was.
My parents divorced when I was 2. They fought for years afterwards and my mom hated men and thought that females were the superior gender. Josh's parents had a rocky marriage that had very traditional gender roles. Neither of us had a solid foundation to model our marriage after.
We were completely lost and our ideas of what made a marriage were contradictory to one another. You can imagine how well this all came together for us... There were power struggles, harsh words, and unrealistic expectations of one another.
After our first big fight (one month after he got home), I was ready to throw in the towel. I remember running into the bathroom and trying to lock myself in while Josh was trying to come in to comfort me. The crack of the door opening reflected in the mirror and as I glanced into our reflections, my heart broke.
I was pushing on the door with tears running down my face, hair a mess, and mascara running down my cheeks. Josh was pushing on the other side with a look of desperation and determination on his face. After giving up, I slid down the door and put my head in my knees, and Josh was finally able to push his way into the bathroom. I looked at him and said one of the most important things I have said to date, "I don't know how to be married."
That sentence seems simple enough, but it was a game changer for me.
I had admitted out loud that I had no clue what I was doing. Being the couple of know-it-alls that we are, that humbling moment of confessing to one another that we didn't know it all was enough for us to take a step back and open our hearts to learn how to love one another and how to build up our marriage instead of tearing it down.
If I didn't know how to be married, then I was going to learn, even if it killed me, and at times, situations hurt me so badly that I felt like it could. So, I set out to study. I studied blogs, books, my husband, myself, and eventually, after coming to know Christ, God's word.
The next 6 years were the hardest. Yes, I said 6 years. Here's the thing: It takes years of work and studying to learn about your spouses likes, dislikes, habits, character, personality, insecurities, and quirks.
It takes years of not only learning, but practicing the right way to fight and the best way to communicate, learning when it's time to fight for something and when it's the right time to just be quiet, and learning when it's time to help your spouse fix a situation and when it's time to just listen to them vent.
I've read from many resources over the years, but the one that changed my marriage the most was the Bible. I know, that sounds cliche and those of you who don't believe in it are probably saying, "Oh, here she goes." I know, because I've been you before. Just bear with me. The thing is, It's the one resource I read that was all encompassing of the one thing that needed to change: Me.
I poured through the book of Proverbs (not just chapter 31) and realized that I wasn't just neglecting being the wife that God required me to be, but most importantly, I realized that I was neglecting being the person that God requires me to be. I had wanted Josh to change so badly, that I overlooked my own flaws! And I had many. The only person in this world that I have control over is myself. Once I realized this, I began to work on my own character qualities.
It still amazes me at how quickly our dynamic changed. I was no longer taking Josh's role as leader from him. I encouraged him to lead our household and he finally felt respected. I was softer in the way I spoke to him, I offered input only when it was asked for, and I learned to trust him in all the areas of our home life. I gave him what he longed for and I had vowed that I would continue giving it even if it wasn't reciprocated. That's where grace comes in. I realized that even after all of the years I rejected God, He still cared for me, loved me, and had my best interest in mind. I decided that I was going to do the same for my husband.
I became an easier person to love. Josh's guard was no longer up. He was no longer waiting for the inevitable, "Why didn't you do it this way? You should have listened to me. Just let me do it." I learned to tell him how I was feeling without being accusatory and blaming.
Y'all, let me tell you, when I became an easier person to love, he poured his love toward me like never before. We were finally on the same page with each other. It was us against the world at that point. We were a team with the same goals.
I can't tell you how good it feels to know that I have someone who has my back, who knows me better than I know myself, who knows how to cheer me up and calm me down, who knows when to hug me, and when to buy me a snickers. He is my best friend. It takes work, but the reward is so sweet.
Here we sit 10 years in and even though the process has hurt at times, it was worth every second if we get to spend the next 60 years together as partners in time. Yes, we still argue. Yes, we still get hurt. But it's few and far between now.
I pray that this has helped those of you who are in those hard years. Don't give up. Seek out counsel, pray, study, and, remember that your spouse is a human just like you. "I'm sorry" and I forgive you" go a long way.
Until next time,
