The Kind of Woman I Want My Daughter to See

The day I found out that I was having a girl, I panicked.
For one thing, I had no idea how to raise a girl. I had been surrounded by men folk for the last 5 years.
But what also had me scared, was the fact that I knew how hard life was going to be for her. 

I knew that the world would have opinions about how she should act, dress, speak, etc... and that she would struggle with how SHE felt she should act, dress, speak as well.

For years (actually, up until this morning) I thought the word "feminist" was a bad word. Not because I don't believe in equality or that women are powerful creatures,  but because I had bought into the lie that we should be gentle, quiet, and always pretty.

If you know me, you know that I am none of those things, but I thought I should be. Then the guilt would set in. 

Growing up, my mom was vehemently against men. She loathed them, berated them, and emasculated them, all in the name of feminism. That was what I thought feminsim was and that was how men should be treated. Then, when  when I married my husband, I thought that that was how I should treat men. That he should cater to my every whim because "I am woman, hear me roar."

You can imagine how well that went over. 

Yeah, like a turd in a punch bowl. 

So, I thought, "I need to fix this!" Then, I went in the complete opposite direction. I read every article I could about "being the wife that your husband wants" and "how to make your home a haven" and at some point, everything became about him, about me trying to please him in every way possible. Not that he asked for it, mind you. He's always along for the ride on Heather' crazy train, so he thought that I was happy. And I thought I was, too. And I was most of the time. 

Now, here I sit with an almost 4 year old daughter. With no direction on how to be a woman myself, how am I supposed to teach her all of the wisdom that she'll need to take this world by storm and accomplish all of her goals?

I'm going to show her. 

I'm going to show her that the same hands that change the oil are the same hands that wipe tears and hold my family close...

...that the home that I've spent years decorating and fussing with was created by me tearing up carpet, moving heavy furniture, and putting in hard work...

...that the lawn that is picture perfect most days was created by me sweating and getting filthy while mowing the lawn, trimming trees, and planting plants...

...that the decor in the house was created by me and my hands, not just something pretty that I bought at the store...

...that I can fix a clogged drain and put on makeup all in the same 10 minutes...

...That it's okay to cry and have completely irrational moments...

...That it's okay to have a hobby, even though some see it as selfish...
...That it's okay to walk away from a bad situation even though the world will tell her to stay and fix it...
 

...That it's okay to not wear makeup everyday...

...That it's okay to have an opinion and not apologize for it...

...That it's okay to take time for herself to do what she enjoys...

And most importantly, that it's okay to be the kind of person she wants to be, whether it makes sense to anyone else or not. 

I understand feminism now and it's a  powerful stance.
I can do anything I put my mind to and I can do it all while looking pretty...

...if I choose to.

Dear Sawyer : The Truth About Santa

My dear Sawyer,

I knew this day would come sooner rather than later for you.
You've always been a seeker of truth, and I knew Santa would be on that list somewhere. 

Today I watched you struggle with the question "Is Santa real."

After much thought, I'm ready to tell you what my mom told me when I finally asked the same question many years ago.  Through tears she told me, "Santa is very real. He lives in our hearts as kindness, joy, giving, unity, and love. As long as you believe in those things, Santa will always be real."

You see, for the last six Christmas eves, it was your dad and I who gladly wrapped your presents and ate the cookies you so thoughtfully left for us. It was the perfect end to our night and we always have looked forward to it. 

My parents did the same for me and some day you will do the same for your children. Someday you will have the same talk that we're having now. It will probably make your heart hurt a little, because you will realize that your kids will be growing up. I know this because this is how my heart feels right now. But it's a good hurt, I promise. It means you're on the right path.

Now that you know our secret, we must make sure that it stays just that... a secret. We want the magic to remain for younger kids who can't quite grasp who Santa really is. I know we can trust you. 

When your dad was young, he didn't get to celebrate Christmas like you and I did. He didn't understand the magic of this time of year... that is until your first Christmas. Watching you through the years making Santa cookies and reindeer food, writing and burning your magic Santa letters, and the excitement you and your sister have has changed him. He has a twinkle in his eye now that wasn't there before you. I know you're ready to know the truth about Santa, because you already have the Christmas magic in your heart. 

For years I thought we were making magic for you, but oh, sweet boy, it's so clear to me now. You brought the magic to us. 

Thank you forever for that. 

We love you. 

Love, Mom and Dad

New Year Resolutions

Yep, it's that time of year, when we all reflect on the happenings of the year that is now dwindling to its close.
I've never been a resolution type of gal, mainly because I can't stand the thought of not completing my goals.
But, with age comes wisdom, and I realize now that any progress towards a goal is just that... progress.
Progress means growth, it means change.

So, here it is, my resolutions list for 2015.

1. Stop pleasing everyone else
This sounds like a selfish resolution, doesn't it? And it kind of is to be honest. It's mostly aimed towards my marriage, which makes it seem even more awful. But somewhere along the way, instead of being a wife to Josh, I turned into a mother. I pick up his laundry, I make his sandwiches, I make sure he has everything he needs before he leaves the house. Simply speaking,  I've lumped him in with the kiddos. Not on purpose, but it happened nonetheless. On top of that, I consider his opinion far too much on certain  topics. I won't buy clothes if I don't think he'll like them. I won't buy certain foods if I don't think he'll eat them. It goes on and on. These are thing he doesn't care about, and these are things that won't actually effect him if purchased, but would send me over the moon if I bought.
So, next year, if I like it, I buy it.
And he can take care of his smaller needs on his own, because he never asked me to do those things in the first place, and I have enough to take care of. 

2. Stop apologizing all the time
I apologize constantly. The apologies are sincere, but unnecessary. I didn't realize it until I went back to work and coworkers mentioned it. But now I have, and I hate it, so I'm working on it. 

3. Be healthy
This does not mean losing 30lbs or running a half marathon. It means making good choices in food, drinking water, drinking tea more often than coffee, and physically exerting myself by doing things that make my body feel good. I'm not doing this to look good, I'm doing it to feel good. 

4. Be a storybook mom
I'm a cranky mom. I am. I'm strict, and I yell... a lot. I haven't always been this way, but I am now, and this is not how I want my kids to remember me, and this is not how I want them to learn what kind of parent to be. I want to be the kind of mom you see in the Nick Jr shows, who have soft voices, move gently, and let their kids make tough choices on their own, after getting sound wisdom nuggets, rather than trying to control everything.

Which brings me to...

4. Make magic
I want to be intentional in my parenting. My kids will only be this little once. I want to see wonder and amazement in their eyes, and as their mom, I have the power to make that happen.
And I'm going to.

5. No gossip
This one is pretty self explanatory. 

6. Read the entire Bible
Eventually I will study the entire Bible, but for now, I just want to know what's going on. I hear people telling stories about this person and that person, and I don't know who they're talking about or what story it is. So now I'm going to find out. 

7. Be in nature more
I used to hang out in the woods constantly as a child. Now I'm only outside if I'm doing yard work. Nature brings me peace and clarity, something I had forgotten until I went hunting with the hubs recently. I loved just sitting there watching everything. I want more of that. 

8. Read one book a month
I'm not a reader. I just never have been. It takes too much time and I have the attention span of a gnat. But I want to love reading, so I feel like this resolution may help me in that endeavor. 

9. Pay off credit card
We hit a rough patch over the last few years and we turned to the plastic devil known as the credit card to help get us through. We have less credit card debt than some people, but we want none. So we'll be busting it to get rid of mine. 

10. Start a YouTube channel
I've been approached in the past to start making trial-and-error videos of me crafting or baking (because when things go wrong, I can be dramatic and comical about it), so I've finally decided that this is the year to try it out.
Josh and I have also toyed with the idea of making videos of us singing together, but that will take some time to hammer our those details. I make no promises, but hopefully this will work out. 

11. Speak like an adult
Okay, parents, you'll relate to this one. When your kids start talking and learning new vocabulary, you start speaking like them. Toilet will turn into potty, thumb tack will turn into pokey, and you will start speaking in a tone that makes you sound like you're auditioning for a Disney movie. Other adults won't understand and the shrill, cartoon voice will begin to grate on your own nerves. I'm putting a stop to this now. 

And finally, 12. Get ready first thing in the morning
I tend to shower and change clothes right before I have somewhere to be. Sometimes this means I don't get dressed until 3 in the afternoon. That's gross. My day starts as soon as my feet hit the floor and I don't have time to get dolled up right away. But I feel better when I do! So I'm going to make time. 

Whew! I had a longer list than I realized, but it's a list that will help better me as a person, so it's totally worth it.

I would love to hear what some of your resolutions are! You can comment here or share with me on my Facebook page! 

Find it HERE!

Crunchy Peanut Butter

"Can we please get cruchy peanut butter this time?"
"Crunchy peanut butter? When did you start liking that?"
"What do you mean? It's always been my preference."
"Then why do we buy smooth?"
"Because you hate crunchy?"
"No! I hate smooth. Crunchy is my favorite, too."
"The last 8 years have been a lie!"

Folks, this was a conversation that Josh and I had at the grocery store this summer.

Eight whole years of buying smooth peanut butter, just to please the other person (or so we thought.)

Some may view this as a sweet moment between us where we sacrificed our own happiness to make sure the other person got what we thought they wanted.

I see this as more of a communication break down between us.

This isn't the first time this has happened.
You see, there have been many times throughout the last few years that we've run across the truth about what the other person likes.

We don't know how this miscommunication happens, but I think it comes down to the kind of people that Josh and I are. We like to please the people that we care about.

Let us go back to the summer of 2005, when Josh and I were just dating. At the time, he liked what I now refer to as "whiny girl music", but is actually called the  emo or screamo genre.

I hate it. It makes me cringe.

I can say that now. Back then, however, I wanted him to like me, so I thought I needed to submerge myself into all of the stuff that he liked. Whether it was his music, style choices, or food choices.

I've always been this person, and so has he. We have our own opinions, but for the sake of any relationship, we tend to keep that to ourselves.

Fast forward to 2014, we are far more comfortable with who we actually are as individuals.

I can tell him that I prefer country music, or that I would rather sit at home and craft with a sappy movie on than go to a concert.

I think that happens to everyone our age, whether they're in a relationship or not.

Our 20's are meant to be the time where we're finding ourselves.
At eighteen (the age Josh and I were when we met), you think you know who you are.
At least until you finally have your own place and you have to stock your refrigerator for the first time.
(I had no idea what I actually liked to eat. I only knew what I could make out of the ingredients in other people's fridges.)

Then, as you get older, there are more specific points where you finally say, "I don't like ____, so why am I doing ____, or buying ____, or hanging out with ____.

It's wonderful and liberating.

But, it's also confusing. Like when you're married and you realize how much YOU'VE changed, you then begin to wonder how much YOUR SPOUSE  has changed as well. It brings forth interesting conversations.

Like what kind of peanut butter you actually like.

As Josh and I approach our 9 years anniversary in less than a month, we've been reflecting on our first 5 years together.
They were hard and although there were fun times, it was more work than anything. We were learning about ourselves and each other (without the falsities in place), adulthood, and how a healthy marriage should work, all while taking care of 401ks, babies, and a mortgage. 

Whew! It was exhuasting!

But now, 4 years later, we know the other one so well, that even as we grow and change as individuals, we know that the other one will be right alongside for the ride and will enjoy (almost) every moment of it.

It's a great time of life for our marriage. It's a comfortable, safe, well-oiled machine. We have put in the work and have the experience, so now, we can sit back and take on life together.

The moral of the story, friends, is that nothing good comes easily. Marriage takes work, determination, love, faith, grace, and forgiveness.

It takes open conversations, honesty, and flexibility.

For your spouse to truly love you, then need to know who you are in that moment, even if who you are changes down the road.

Enjoy the growth. It's what makes us continue to be interesting. It's what fans my flames when I see Josh take up a new hobby or see him assert himself over an issue I didn't even know he was passionate about.

Whew, am I on fire for that man!
*fans self*

Embrace who you are and embrace who you are becoming.

Then do the same for your spouse.

Then bring me some crunchy Peanut butter, because now I'm hungry.

Picture source: http://www.seriouseats.com/2010/09/quiz-how-much-do-you-know-about-peanut-butter.html