Old Age, You Can Suck It....

My intention with this post isn't to air any dirty laundry. I started this blog as a catalog of my life, and unfortunately, this falls into this category.

Now, let me tell you, I haven't always had the best relationship with my mom. I thought she was the world until I was a teenager. At that point, I realized she was human and had issues. I had my own as well. Things got better after I was older as it usually does with parents and their children.

Now I'm at that place in my life where I want to share every single thing that happens with me, Josh, or the kids with my mom. Unfortunately, I can't. Well, I could, but she wouldn't remember or it would start a fight.

She was a single mom and she never had enough money or time.
Now that she's older, she's taken care of and she has all the time in the world. She has every single thing she ever wanted out of her life... Except for her mind.

In December, she was diagnosed with dementia. It broke my heart as I watched her not remember what day or month it was. The nurse asked her to do a simple writing task and then left the room. By the time the nurse left the room, my mom couldn't remember what she was supposed to do.

We were sent to a specialist a couple of weeks ago. He ran tests on her and then spoke with us. He gave us our options for the moment. We won't have a diagnosis for what's causing the dementia until this Friday.

My mom, up until today, had the capacity to live alone.

Today, everything changed. She had what she calls dreams. What they are, are hallucinations. She was scared and upset over this "dream". She called the police and some family members. She then decided to go to the police station. While she was walking, she fell and hit her head on the pavement. She was so, so lucky that a) it wasn't freezing outside b)that she had a kind neighbor who saw it happen and helped her and bandaged her. He tried to call an ambulance, but she wouldn't let him.
It breaks my heart to think of my mama scared and trying to get help and then falling. I just picture all of this happening and it breaks my heart. How such a strong woman could instantly be so vulnerable.

She's not living by herself anymore. When we get some information, she'll be moved to an assisted living facility.

Y'all, she's so scared. She's angry. She's sad. We all are every single one of those things. I hate seeing anyone sad or scared, but especially someone who doesn't have a clue what's going on from one moment to another.

My process in trying to wrap my head around all of this has been anything but graceful. I ignored her at first. The things she would say when she was having an episode was too much for me. Then, it turned to anger. But, I wasn't angry at her. I almost felt nothing towards her. I couldn't figure that out. I would argue with her, but I had no emotion behind the argument. I realized this weekend, after a long talk with my sister, what was going on. If I was detached and angry, there was no room for any other emotion. You all know me. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I feel EVERYTHING... Every emotion. If I actually allowed myself to feel anything, then I would feel everything. My heart just can't take that load.

But after that realization, everything came flooding in. I'm sad for her. I'm angry for her. I'm guilty for the things I've said or done to her ever in my life. I'm jealous of people who still have coherent moms. I just want her to be happy.... to be okay. I want peace for her.

I miss her.

She taught my sister and me magical ways of living. Everything was art. A flower had a soul. The wind was music. Children were people too. Everyone had a story, and respect it. Folk music was the best. Roseanne was queen. Women were equal. And a Joni Mitchell song could fix anything. She used to sing me to sleep with Joni Mitchell's Circle Game... a song I still sing to my kids.

Those memories... those memories are the ones I need to hold tight to as this gets worse.

I know we aren't the only family going through this, but it feels so lonely. I'm hoping that once we get her into her new home, she'll calm down some.

Well, with that, I leave you with the Circle Game...


Yesterday, a child came out to wander
Caught a dragonfly inside a jar
Fearful when the sky was full of thunder
And tearful at the falling of a star

And the seasons they go 'round and 'round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game

Then, the child moved ten times 'round the seasons
Skated over ten clear frozen streams
Words like, "When you're older", must appease him
And promises of someday make his dreams

And the seasons they go 'round and 'round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return we can only look behind
From where we came,
And go round and round and round
In the circle game

Sixteen springs and sixteen summers gone now
Cartwheels turn to car wheels through the town
And they tell him, "Take your time. It won't be long now.
'Til your drag your feet to slow the circles down"

And the seasons they go 'round and 'round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game

So the years spin by and now the boy is twenty
Though his dreams have lost some grandeur coming true
There'll be new dreams, maybe better dreams and plenty
Before the last revolving year is through.

And the seasons they go 'round and 'round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return, we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and 'round and 'round
In the circle game
And go 'round and 'round and 'round in the circle game.

On This Episode of Hoarders.....

I don't know about you, but I am SO bad about not seeing what I have and always wishing for more. Only material things, mind you. I definitely see how blessed I am as far as friends and family goes.

With Pinterest, blogs, magazines, etc... It hard to not want to constantly keep up with new trends, right?
I'm always thinking about a new piece of furniture, a new car, new clothes.... I could go on and on. But here's the thing... if you knew where Josh and I started from, you would see why I'm so frustrated with myself.

Josh grew up in a one income family with 7 children. There were a lot of hand-me-downs, food stretching, and just getting by. Not that there's anything wrong with any of those things, it happens. His parents were poor at managing money and the kids suffered.

I grew up with a single mom. There were also hand-me-downs, days where we had to walk home from day care when the car ran out of gas, and butter and crackers for dinner.

My mom did the best she could of course and when I was a child, I never cared about any of the afore-mentioned things. It was normal and I was happy.

When I was a teenager, I realized that we were not normal. I started craving "normal".

(Okay, our mom a was a hoarder. Like, those people on the show, but worse. There you go friends from Junior High and High school.  There's my dark secret.)

We didn't have heat, a stove, a refrigerator, washer or dryer, and sometimes we didn't have hot water. Repairmen couldn't get in the house to repair anything. It was a disease my mom couldn't beat. No matter how many times my sister tried to clean, my mom would drag all the trash back in and dump it out in case we had thrown anything important out. It eventually got to a point after my sister got married and moved out that I didn't even know where to start anymore. I just wanted to burn it down. It was a burden to our family. Okay, I can't even go on. It just makes me too sad.

It was embarrassing.

 (My sister and brother-in-law cleaned out the house and did an overhaul on it. They live there with their family now and it's GORGEOUS!)

I vowed when I was 18 and met Josh, that I would give my kids as "vanilla" a life as possible. That meant that they would have what they needed/wanted, with some excess. Our house would be clean and organized. I would be a homemaker so I could make sure my family ran smoothly. Whatever my family needed or wanted, I would provide. I wanted to be the Cleavers.

When we were first married, we lived in a tiny two bedroom apartment surrounded by questionable folks on the not-so-great part of town. We made the best of it, but after we got pregnant with Sawyer, we realized we needed to move. After a house deal fell through, we moved to a nicer two bedroom apartment. We loved our neighbor and our home, but we wanted to buy a house.

When were 23 we bought our first house. We've furnished it with nice things. We own 2 cars outright and next year we will own 3. We of course have some rough times, but for the most part, we can purchase what we want when we want to.

So, after starting from such a bleak place and acquiring what we have now at 26, why am I wanting more?

Because I don't think about where I came from as much as I should. It's not a nice place to revisit. However, I guess I need to think back more often so I can revel in what we have now.

I'm disappointed in myself for becoming so materialistic. I suppose if you look at the psychology of it all, it can be explained away. However, my past is not an excuse. Now that I have realized the source of the problem, I need to fix it.

Yuck. I hate being an adult sometimes.

Our kids already have more than we did, so: Mission Accomplished.


Slow down, Heather. It doesn't have to be perfect. Your kids will never know about your past, so you don't need to make it up to them. It's your past, not theirs. Just chill, lady!

 

Recipe: Southern Style Sloppy Joes

I found this recipe through Southern Living's website and thought I'd give it a whirl with a few changes so I could use what I had on hand.

Sloppy Joes

2 lbs ground beef
1 cup ketchup
1/2 cup bottled BBQ sauce
2 tablespoons soy sauce
1 can diced tomatoes ( I used the kind with the green chiles in it. It was awesome, but it was too hot for the kids.)
1 loaf Italian bread
Shredded cheddar ( as needed)

Cook ground beef until no longer pink. Drain.

Add ketchup, soy sauce, BBQ sauce, and can of tomatoes. Stir.

Simmer for 10 minutes.

While that's simmering, slice your Italian bread and cover with melted butter. Cook in oven on 350 until crispy.

Top bread with sloppy joe mix and sprinkle cheese on top.


There you have it! Easy peasy dinner in about 30 minutes. We have 5 people in our household an this made enough for everyone to have two servings each. I hope you enjoy!

Happy noshing!

- Heather

Camo and Class... Two Reasons Why I love Living in the South

I could tell you about 2 million reasons why I love living in the South, but today I figured I would share a story about two reasons in particular.

Yesterday morning my sister, brother-in-law, and mom were headed to Fayetteville for an appointment with my mom's doctor.

It was 6 in the morning and I wasn't feeling my usual perky self. (Yes, I'm a morning person. Everyone in my house hates me for it.) I was tired and worried about the appointment.

We had to stop into a gas station in Alpena (one of the smaller towns that surrounds our small town.) I make it a habit to not go into gas stations by myself when it's dark outside. I never used to worry about it. After all, our town only has about 12,000 people and I think Alpena has something like 600. But it makes Josh uncomfortable, so I've made it a habit not to, so he doesn't worry.

I go to head in and there are two rough looking guys in camo headed to the front door at the same time as me. But you know what? People around here have manners, so I kind of expected them to hold the door open for me. (Entitled Southern Belle here!) And they did not disappoint! One held one door and the other held the other door, so not only did I feel like a lady, but I had (in my head) a grand entrance. (I had the Gone With the Wind music playing in my head and everything. Ridiculous.)

I get inside and get in line behind yet another guy in  camo who was talking on his cell phone. He didn't notice that I had come in. This is the conversation that followed:

Camo guy #1 with cell phone speaking to camo guy #2: Hey, ____! Did you know that your stupid son is in jail again?!

Camo #2: Yeeep. I read it in tha paper. I dunno what I'm gonna do with that boy.

Camo #1: When's he gonna learn? That stupid son of a b****!

Camo guy #2: Hey, ___ We gotta a lady here!

Lady (who I assume is a regular): ____, You hush it, son! Bein' all reckless with that there sailor mouth!

Camo #1: *turns to me* Oh ma'am! I'm so sorry! I didn't know you were here! Please forgive me! I swear I'm a gentleman.

Me: No worries, sir. My husband's in the military.... I've heard worse. It's fine, really!

Camo #1: *shakes my hand* Please tell your husband I apologize for my behavior and tell him thank you for serving.

Y'all, I couldn't stop giggling! He was so flustered! The second camo guy was giggling at me giggling. It was a ridiculous giggle fest.

Okay, so my point is, no matter how rough the men around here can look sometimes, they have manners. It was a pleasant surprise and absolutely made my morning! When you see someone you aren't sure of, show them those manners we're instilled with and give them a chance to show you who they truly are.

I like to make lessons out of everything that I experience in a day. This by far was the lesson of:

NEVER JUDGE A BOOK BY IT'S COVER

Because you might miss out on some really great people or experiences.



-Heather

The Lemur, the Witch, and the Schoolhouse

Do y'all ever have those childhood memories where you look back and think, "That teacher should not have been teaching?"
Well, I had one of those moments this morning. I was discussing with Josh and my dad about history, and it reminded me of my 5th grade history teacher. We'll just call her Mrs. X.

We frequently had to hear her stories about all of the awful, awful child abuse that she had to endure. If she didn't like you, she would encourage the other students to pick on you.

Needless to say, I dreaded her class and somehow I managed to stay under her radar for most of the school year (odd for me because I was a loud opinionated child)... That is, until the lemur.

She had given us an assignment to do a drawing of a US president that she would pick out for us. I was the last one to get my assignment. When she looked at me, she simply said, "Well, just draw a lemur for all I care."

I remember thinking, "What the heck is a lemur?" See- I couldn't make this up. I didn't even know if a lemur was a real thing!

Being the good student that I was, I dutifully went home and researched lemurs.
"It's basically a monkey! What does this have to do with the presidents?!"

I knew that this teacher was crazy, but I had an assignment to do. I drew a beautiful lemur sitting on a tree branch. It was some of my best work.

On Monday, I proudly walked up to Mrs. X and handed her my assignment. She didn't say anything and went on with her lesson. I remember thinking, "Well, at least I didn't get yelled at."

The next day when we walked into class, all of our pictures were on display. There were stick figure presidents that had gotten full credit, so I couldn't wait to see what my lemur had gotten.

I searched and searched and when I finally found it I almost started crying.
There was a big, red zero right next to a big red question mark.

I was fuming at this point. I did what this crazy teacher asked, and I had gotten absolutely no credit! I went up to her and said accusingly, "I did what you asked. Why did I get a zero?"

"Now, why would I ask you to draw whatever this is when we're talking about presidents?"

"I don't know! I asked myself the same question when you assigned it! I didn't even know what a lemur was! How could I even make this up?!"

"Go sit down, lemur girl. You get a zero, end of story."

Yes, for a week, the lemur girl name stuck.

I laid low for the rest of the school year, but I fumed about that stupid lemur.

Mrs. X should never have been a teacher. She obviously had mental issues, and I was so glad when that school year ended.

As cute and funny as lemurs are, I still hold a secret resentment towards them.

I have no idea what happened to Mrs. X, but I do know she isn't teaching anymore.


Thank God

Things I'm Obsessed With: Girly Things

I honestly have no idea how many men read my blog. So to those of you who do, this post is most likely not for you.

I figure this one will be fun because after all, I AM a girl!

This time of year I always feel a little bit more feminine than usual what with it being our anniversary month and Valentine's day is right around the corner. So here we go, Girly things I'm obsessed with.

1) Nail Polish

To be specific, LA Colors Nail Lacquer.
I'm a cheapy. I don't like to spend lots of money on eye shadow or nail polish. I want lots of options for a good price. Fortunately for me, our local Dollar Tree sells these puppies for $1 each! They seem to last on my nails forever and the colors are gorgeous as you will see if you click the link above. I also like to check our local Merchandise outlets for polish that will only set you back about .25. How thrifty is that?!

2) Eye Shadow

Again, specifically LA Colors 3 Color Eyeshadow. I ALSO get this at the Dollar Tree for a whopping $1. It has 3 complimentary shades in each case. I use the Orchid colors and the Sunflower. The beauty of these are that you can use them on your eyes, cheeks, and as bronzer. Versatile, pretty and cheap... A girl's dream! The less makeup I have, the less my daughter Sofia can get into!

3) Girly Beach Reads

Yes, I know it's January. But when it's the middle of winter, the holiday bustle is over, and it seems like Spring is nowhere in sight, this is the perfect bright spot in my day. To be honest, I haven't started reading any yet, but I'm definitely making a list of books to order! So far on my list I have....

They're about a woman who explores (under pretty crappy circumstances) who she is, what she wants out of life, and her relationships with friends. I hear they're page turners, so I can't wait! 

4) Happy Music

A good song, or sometimes if you're lucky, a whole album can lift your spirits and get you in the right mindset.  For me, I have a few staples that are always in my reach in the Jeep. Of course there are so many other albums that can get you going, but for some reason, these are my go-to mood lifters.

Any and all things Miranda Lambert. I just LOVE her and in my eyes she can do no wrong musically. Every album is different, so my favorite depends  on the day.

P!nk

To be honest, I'm not a fan of her earlier stuff, but her album I'm not dead caught my ear and I've been a huge fan ever since. Her songs are raw and real. I think by FAR her BEST album was Funhouse. That's one of those albums where I love every song that's on it.

And last but definitely not least is Fun.
Josh got me this album for Christmas this year and I am in LOVE! I listen to this one on the mornings that I have to take the kids to school. It's so upbeat (even if the lyrics aren't happy, the beat is) that it's almost as energizing as coffee in the mornings. I listen to it at least once a day and I couldn't be more thrilled! Thanks, Josh!

5) Roses

credit

Admittedly these haven't always been my favorite flower and they still aren't. I'm still a daisy girl, but with the big LOVE day coming up, you can't help but get sucked into the sight or scent of these classic floral staples. Rose perfume, rose scented candles, the actual flowers themselves.... it's endless.
I recently purchased a limited-time-only Rose scented candle made by Better Homes and Gardens at Wal-Mart. It smells like the real thing! That's something that's kind of rare when it come to rose scented items.

I also made some Rose facial toner the other day out of rose petals. It smells heavenly!

Rose Toner:
Take 1 Cup packed rose petals and pour 2 cups boiling water over them in a deep bowl.
Steep for 15 minutes.
After 15 minutes, squeeze all the petals to get the toner out and discard petals.
Strain your toner and store in a pretty apothecary jar.

Easy peasy!

So there's my girly round up! Enjoy!

Happy reading!
Heather

To Josh ~ Love, Me

Josh-

It's our lucky number, babe! Of course I could never tell you in text just how much I love you. I can only show you for the rest of our lives.

You're it for me.
You've ruined me and spoiled me.
You've picked me up when I've fallen.
You've prayed for me when I didn't have the strength.
You've calmed me when I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
You've loved me regardless of how mad you may have been in that moment.
You've pushed me to find my dream, then you whole-heartedly supported that dream- regardless of how many times that dream has changed.
You've made me laugh.
You've made me think.

You have made me into who I am today. You have never let me quit. You've have made me a better person. As cheesy as it sounds, you absolutely complete me. Without you, I'd be lost and wandering through this life. I turn to you for back up, for comfort, for wisdom. It's scary to think of where I would be in life had I never met you.

You saved me.

I thank you for that.

2008- with a brand new Sawyer

2008- with Sawyer

Halloween- 2009

Maternity pictures

New Years eve - 2012

Happy anniversary.

I love you.
Heather

God Smells Like Dirt and Tomatoes

I've been wanting to post this extremely personal story for awhile, but the right day has never really hit me until today.

HONESTY ALERT:

I've had 4 miscarriages. There, I said it. Most of you knew that I had had one, maybe two... but I quit talking about it around the third. Everyone has an opinion and I couldn't handle breaking the bad news to anyone anymore.

This was all in a 1 1/2 year span before Sofia. Two were back to back and then we tried for another year and then had two more back to back.

I was devastated.

After my fourth, I remember laying in bed asking God why this was happening. We were good parents, we were responsible, we were doing everything right! I fell asleep while praying and what happened next still to this day comforts me.

I had a dream. I don't remember where I was or what it looked like. I couldn't see anything that stood out. I remember a warm light and THE most peaceful feeling overcame me. I hit my knees and sobbed the same prayer that I had been praying as I fell asleep. Suddenly, I felt like I was floating and I just felt the sadness (what I can only describe as being "sucked") out of my soul. Not my body. It came from deep, deep inside. Then, I was in a garden. My Grandad's garden from when I was little. Specifically, the row with the tomatoes.

Grandad's garden was my make believe area where I played when I was little. It always felt so safe, so magical, so ... comforting.

Suddenly, I woke up reeling from what I had just experienced.
As  layed my head on my pillow and thanked God for that moment of comfort, a smell caught my attention. It was the distinct smell of dirt and tomatoes. The peaceful feeling from my dream returned and I got excited.

I smacked Josh awake screaming "God smells like dirt and tomatoes! God smells like dirt and tomatoes!" To me it was almost like a breakthrough.
"Oh yeah? You've heard the voice of God? Well I've smelled him!"
Josh was used to me smacking him awake talking about random dreams, but this time he listened intently. You see, at this point I was angry about my babies and I was struggling with what little faith I had left. Josh talked with me and hugged me. I was able to sleep peacefully for the first time in a year.

*************
So this morning I woke up to our refrigerator being broken. I panicked and called Josh almost in tears. This is just one thing in a long line of things that have gone wrong lately. He calmed me down (some) and I decided today would be the perfect day to write this post. I needed to remember that times have been worse and that we would get through hard times again... and to ENJOY the smallest things like certain smells, sights, or memories that comfort me.

-Heather

Slap Yo Mama Bologna Sandwich

So this is my first time blogging from my phone, so I have no idea how this is going to turn out.

I came up with a new recipe today that hasn't quite been perfected yet, but I figured I would share the beginnings.
It's basically a gourmet bologna mess, but man it tasted great!

Slap Yo Mama Bologna Sandwich

2 slices whole wheat bread
1 slice bologna
2 slices tomato
1 tsp chopped green onions
Arugula lettuce
Mushrooms (to your liking)
Mayo
1/2 tsp dill
Salt and pepper to taste

Basically you slap it together and nosh.
You could toast the bread, or sautéed the mushrooms, or fry the bologna.... You get the idea. Cheap and filling. Not for everyone, I know.

Happy noshing!

One Word 2013 ~ Enjoy

I can't believe how excited I am to be writing this post for you guys!

It's been awhile since I've posted and the last few blogs have been kind of dark. But, they were honest and what was on my mind at the time, so that's what you guys got.

However, those of you who know me, know I'm not typically a depressing person. I have been depressed for about a year now, struggling with my anxiety and sadness. It's my life and I don't think any medication or therapy can fix it. However, I won't let it define me anymore.

What I can do is learn to live with it and push it back as much as possible. I know, not conventional at all, but I've tried everything and I think this is all that's honestly going to work. Which brings me to the excitement part of this post.

I was reading one of the blogs that I follow called All My Arrows. She posted about a yearly challenge called One Word 2013 in her post.

At first, I was like, "Great, another challenge for the New Year. I can't even manage to post regularly let alone complete some challenge."

However, after I rad what it was about, I realized I don't have to make a button for my blog (I don't even know how to properly work my twitter account. P.S. Here's my Twitter page and my Facebook.), and I don't have to go by the "rules" whatever they may be.

I just simply have to remember one word throughout the year.

You see, instead of resolutions and goals, you choose a word- one word- as your mantra for the year.

I figured it would take me forever to find my one word that encompasses all of my goals for this year. As I was driving the kids to school this morning, I was looking at the frost on the landscape and thinking, "I used to really enjoy the most simple things- like frost. Why can't I ENJOY anything any-  Oh my gosh! Enjoy! That's my word!"

When I get stressed over finances, kids, relationships, get caught up in the moment, or let worry take over my thoughts instead of me focusing on what's in front of me, I simply remind myself to ENJOY what's going on.

It sounds kind of cheesy, but It changed my view on things already. I enjoyed the frost, the slow traffic so I could take advantage of the conversations with the kids in the car, Sawyer taking forever to get his show-and-tell out of his bag because he was so excited, and Sofie taking the long way from the car to the front porch to discover why the ground crunched.

I've already seen an improvement in my attitude and mindset. So, needless to say, I'm pretty stoked!

So, what's your word for the New Year?! I can't wait to hear!

Happy pondering-
Heather