God Smells Like Dirt and Tomatoes

I've been wanting to post this extremely personal story for awhile, but the right day has never really hit me until today.

HONESTY ALERT:

I've had 4 miscarriages. There, I said it. Most of you knew that I had had one, maybe two... but I quit talking about it around the third. Everyone has an opinion and I couldn't handle breaking the bad news to anyone anymore.

This was all in a 1 1/2 year span before Sofia. Two were back to back and then we tried for another year and then had two more back to back.

I was devastated.

After my fourth, I remember laying in bed asking God why this was happening. We were good parents, we were responsible, we were doing everything right! I fell asleep while praying and what happened next still to this day comforts me.

I had a dream. I don't remember where I was or what it looked like. I couldn't see anything that stood out. I remember a warm light and THE most peaceful feeling overcame me. I hit my knees and sobbed the same prayer that I had been praying as I fell asleep. Suddenly, I felt like I was floating and I just felt the sadness (what I can only describe as being "sucked") out of my soul. Not my body. It came from deep, deep inside. Then, I was in a garden. My Grandad's garden from when I was little. Specifically, the row with the tomatoes.

Grandad's garden was my make believe area where I played when I was little. It always felt so safe, so magical, so ... comforting.

Suddenly, I woke up reeling from what I had just experienced.
As  layed my head on my pillow and thanked God for that moment of comfort, a smell caught my attention. It was the distinct smell of dirt and tomatoes. The peaceful feeling from my dream returned and I got excited.

I smacked Josh awake screaming "God smells like dirt and tomatoes! God smells like dirt and tomatoes!" To me it was almost like a breakthrough.
"Oh yeah? You've heard the voice of God? Well I've smelled him!"
Josh was used to me smacking him awake talking about random dreams, but this time he listened intently. You see, at this point I was angry about my babies and I was struggling with what little faith I had left. Josh talked with me and hugged me. I was able to sleep peacefully for the first time in a year.

*************
So this morning I woke up to our refrigerator being broken. I panicked and called Josh almost in tears. This is just one thing in a long line of things that have gone wrong lately. He calmed me down (some) and I decided today would be the perfect day to write this post. I needed to remember that times have been worse and that we would get through hard times again... and to ENJOY the smallest things like certain smells, sights, or memories that comfort me.

-Heather