She had friended my husband on Facebook.
Let me put this out here now. I absolutely trust my husband and he has every single right and liberty to add whoever he wants on Facebook. He has never, ever given me any reason to be paranoid about what he's up to. He loves me and treats me like I'm the only woman on this Earth.
So why, when I saw that he had added her, did every single insecurity that I have ever had about myself instantly creep into my mind and make me not doubt him, but myself?
I have absolutely no idea. That's why I'm writing this. I know I'm not alone in this.
Our husbands at one point decided (consciously) that they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with us and (subconsciously) that our genes would make awesome babies together (which we were right about if I say so myself.)
My husband is included in this universal gathering of hormones, pheromones, and decisions, so why do I feel threatened?
I think that it has nothing to do with our marriage.
I think that it has everything to do with feeling like I can't live up to the stereotype of what the perfect woman is.
Immediately, my thoughts were "Wow, she has really great clothes and look at that body! Her skin tone is gorgeous and flawless. How does she manage to not have bags under her eyes? And holy crap! Her eyebrows are perfectly symmetrical!"
Then it went a little deeper and I thought, "I bet she's a great decorator. She's probably a lot of fun, too. She probably bakes often and would make a romantic Saturday breakfast meat bouquet for her man. And she went to college according to her about-me page. I couldn't even finish one semester."
I stopped myself at that point and made a mental note of all of the areas that I could improve in: fitness, home keeping, romance, hair, makeup, education, and broadening my interest category beyond parenting and Dr. Who.
I then caught the mess of myself in the mirror backsplash in the kitchen and said outloud to myself, "Goof grief, you look terrible. You suck and you need to try harder."
Wait, what?
I'm typically certain of my strengths and since I've had insecurity issues in the past, I try really hard to affirm to myself the good qualities that God blessed me with to bring into the world.
And it usually works.
But this morning I gave myself a mental beating and it felt horrible.
So, my question is, why do we women do this to ourselves? I obviously can look at one picture of a woman who looks put together and discern that she is an amazing woman who is capable of far more than I am, even though I know nothing about her. Then, I am able destroy myself in less than 10 minutes because of this imaginary life I have assigned to her.
I am a person who assumes that what I see is what I get, because that is how I am. Anyone who knows me, knows this is true. I apply this to blogs that I read, pictures that I see, pins that I pin.
I forget sometimes that a picture only tells party of a story.
That blog post could have been written and re-written to put the best of that person's story out for the world to see.
That that pin of that perfect recipe or craft may have started with cake thrown at a wall or acquiring blisters from hot glue guns.
I forget these things.
I know them, but I forget them.
I think that why insecurities creep up like they do, because we forget that we're all humans.
We forget that this world is a collection if beautiful messes.
As I sit on my porch, I'm looking around at all of God's perfect imperfections.
The spiderweb that is glistening with dew that at first glance is beautiful, in fact, has crooked webbing and holes in it.
The mountain in the distance is full of dips and crevices, not perfectly smooth like it seems from miles away.
The maple tree with it's leaves changing across the street has broken branches, twisting limbs, and perfectly symmetrical eyebrows.
Just kidding. I wanted to see if you were still paying attention.
My point is, all of these beautiful creations are beautiful because they are imperfect. They would all be so boring if they looked the same, and in fact, their flaws are what made them stand out and be noticed in the first place!
That's my take away.
My husband chose me because I was different. My flaws are endearing to him or he was so floored by the good things I'm capable of, that he never noticed the flaws in the first place.
Thank you, friends for letting me write out my thought process yet again, and I hope that this helps any of you that are having a morning like mine.
Until next crisis,
Heather
