First of all, I need to express that this is the first time in months that I'm composing a long body of work that ISN'T an essay.
You know what?
It feels GOOD.
Rules are out the window.
Fragment.
Fragment.
Dumb words.
Comma, splice.
Mwahaha! Take that, English language. Take my abuse!
Okay, reel it in, Heather.
I promised a post that explained where I've been.
I've been immersed in college.
Day in, day out.
I hate it.
Absolutely hate it.
Let me start out with how I got here.
I was in a stay-at-home mom rut this summer. I was longing for a career and I was absolutely sure that's the direction that God was leading me in.
No, I didn't pray about it, and no, I didn't put much thought into how it would effect my family life.
I was planning on waiting until spring to begin classes. I wanted to make sure that this was indeed where I was being led. However, after deciding that it was me procrastinating rather than being cautious, I decided to head up to the college and sign up for classes the Friday before college started.
My advisor signed me up for Art appreciation, English comp 1, and algebra I, II, and III for the fall semester.
I explained to him that I really, really struggled with algebra and I only wanted to take algebra I and II, but he said the college prefers students to take the three block. I trusted him even though every fiber of my being was screaming, "Stop!"
Some day I will learn to put my foot down and say no when my gut tells me to.
I ended up dropping algebra III. That's okay.
I have no fewer than four homework assignments in my English class weekly. One of those assignments averages 100 questions most weeks. That's on top of the class work and essays.
I've had to skip my art class (the only class I actually like and want to go to) so I can stay caught up in my other two classes. This has cost me attendance points which has hurt my grade.
With all this being said, I have decided to change degrees, therefore, none of the classes I'm currently taking count toward my degree.
So... Yeah.
I'm still taking my classes seriously and putting my whole heart into them. I feel that it's being respectful to the instructors and education is never wasted.
I watched a video today about a Pakistani teenager who was shot by the Taliban for speaking out about women deserving education.
How can I not appreciate being able to earn a degree after watching that?!
So, no matter how much my heart doesn't want to be at school right now, I have been provided with an opportunity to better myself.
By golly, I'm going to stick it out.
But here's what is really getting me to a place of wanting to quit.
I miss my family and I have mom guilt.
One of the reasons I decided to go ahead and start school now is because Sawyer started kindergarten this year. I figured I would have more time.
About two weeks into school, we realized that our school system wouldn't be able to provide him with enough challenges and quite frankly, his teacher acted like a few choice words towards him at our parent teacher conference.
We decided that was the final straw and as soon as he was officially enrolled in an online public school, we yanked him out of that school in the middle of the school day. (This whole story is another post in itself.)
Okay, back on topic.
We obviously decided to homeschool. Well, that's a task in itself.
Here is where Josh and I are right now:
I'm homeschooling my son and going to college full time.
Josh is homeschooling our son and going to college plus working full time.
We are trying to sort through chores, who fills the gas tanks, who pays the bills, who grocery shops, and who gets to sleep that night.
Yes, this is where I'm struggling.
My family needs me.
All of me.
Right now.
And I need them.
All of them.
Right now.
My heart and my calling right now is homemaking and my family.
I was told by a good friend the other night that one can't deny a calling.
When you deny a calling, none of the other life pieces for together.
Yes, friends, this is what's happening.
Our family life is chaos, and at times, feels like it's hit a wall at 70 mph.
Josh and I are exhausted.
We're literally exhausted.
We're exhausted mentally.
We're exhausted in our parenting.
We're exhausted in our marriage.
The hard thing is: Me going back to school is what has caused this.
It was the catalyst in a cataclysmic landslide of our family.
It. Just. Worked. Better. The. Other. Way.
There is absolutely no denying it.
For my new readers:
I'm about to be honest about my marriage. Awhile ago I asked Josh if there was anything he would like me to keep off of my blog.
His response was, "Who am I to stop something great. Write what's in your heart."
How awesome is that?
Snaps to Josh.
(Yes, I just referenced Legally Blonde.)
Anyways, The stress reached a peak this week.
This week is midterms and there were a lot of deadlines.
Every morning for the last two weeks I have woken up and have been sick to my stomach because of stress. I've averaged about three hours of sleep nightly. Yes, I understand this is typical for college students. However, when you're nearing thirty and have three kids and a husband, all nighters are not that easy.
Josh and I have bickered, blamed each other over the dumbest things, and have just been avoiding each other.
Case-in-point of how gnarly it got:
I'm the kind of fighter in my marriage where I need to fix the fight immediately. I always have been that way. Loose ends drive me crazy and I can't stand anyone being upset with me.
The other morning, Josh and I got into over something. I can't even remember what now.
I was tired of crying in front of him so I went to take a shower so I could cry in private. At some point in the shower, my hurt turned to anger. This NEVER happens to me. I always assume I'm to blame, so I tend to apologize incessantly.
However, something in me snapped.
When I walked out of the bathroom, Josh apologized quickly.
I started to walk away (unheard of between us), but then I turned around and said, "I am angry right now. I don't want to fix this right now. I have every right to be mad. We'll revisit this after the kids go to bed. Okay?"
I could have literally scraped Josh's jaw off the floor.
I never feel justified in my feelings. I'm never in control of the argument. And I certainly never walk away with things unresolved.
It felt GOOD.
However, this is an example of the extremes that me going back to school has caused our marriage to go to.
Not everything that has come out of this experience is bad though.
I've had to learn to do things alone. I've learned that it's okay for me justify my feelings. I've learned that I'm important to my family. Most of all, I've learned that I'm not as dumb as people have told me in the past. I feel like my grades aren't good enough, but they certainly aren't bad at all.
We'll see how the rest of the semester plays out.
Thank you, friends, for sticking through this time with me.
You are all such a blessing!
Snaps to y'all.
