Control Fast: Day 5

Yep, I've decided that maybe this should be a daily or almost daily insight to my struggle. You'll see why in a second.

 I was feeling on top of it all today. I had posted a fairly successful post about how great the first week was going, so naturally, I jinxed myself. 

I'm awesome like that.

I've conquered homeschool micromanaging for the most part by now. I still have twinges (literally, eye twinges) from stifling the need to huffily say, "Why are you doing so-and-so this way? It would be so much easier if you just did it this way!" I compare it to quitting smoking cold turkey. Things are running smoothly, then suddenly a trigger will happen causing me to crave control.

Other than those few twinges, I had this in the bag...

That is, until we went to the park.

I've always been over controlling, verging on psychotic when it comes to my kids in public. You know how kids can be perfect angels at home and then exert all of that pent up naughtiness the second fresh air and sunshine touch those sweet, misleading, angelic faces?
Yeah, my kids are sooo guilty. So I swoop in to correct them, and to be honest, it's mostly to teach them a lesson so they grow into productive adults, but it's also partly so other adults know that I'm aware of the problem. Then maybe they can quit being judgey-McJudgersons and quit with the glares. 

Yeah, I micro manage my kids in public to save face. 
I'm such a good mom.

 I was well aware of this problem in the first place, but nothing shouts "HEY! You really, really suck at letting kids be kids, lady" than taking your kids to a place where danger, dirt, and other kids (and their parents) are abundant. I literally had to bite my tongue oh, about 100 times. 
"Be mindful of the smaller kids. Don't swing that high. Don't throw rocks. Don't slide head first. Don't touch the duck poop. Stay away from the water. Quit whining. Yes, we have to go for a walk. Don't get too far ahead. Stop dragging behind. We have to hold hands crossing the street." And it went on and on.

Granted, some of these things were for safety's sake, but really, if they had gotten dirty or bruised, it wouldn't have been the end-all-be-all.

I stopped myself mid sentence numerous times. Really, the kids had a great time, but for me, it was two hours of anxiety. 

When we got home (my controlled environment) I was so frazzled that I let the kids go do whatever kids do in their rooms, put in my ear buds, blared my 90's alternative station on Pandora, closed my eyes, and rocked back-and-forth on the couch for 30 minutes. (Okay, more like 10 minutes.)
If I can't see or hear it, it's not happening, therefore I can't correct it, right?

 I realized then that that was why our normal homeschool days were going so swimmingly.
I had just blocked out what was happening. I hadn't truly had to confront my issues head on without some kind of safety distraction.

 After I had calmed down some, I decided to start in on making dinner. Suddenly, I was overcome with the urge to completely pull everything out of the drawers, cabinets, and fridge to deep clean, purge, and redecorate the entire kitchen. 
Cause that's normal, right?
Yeah, no, it's not. 
At all.

 Then of course I had to figure out why I wanted to change everything suddenly. 

 Yeah, you guessed it. Since I couldn't control people or situations any longer, I was trying to control the daggum decor!
Now that I think about it, every time I've done something drastic to the house, it's been during a time when I felt things were out of my control. 

Hmm...

 When Josh got home I shared with him about my kitchen project. 
"So, I want to do blah-de-blah  to the kitchen. Is this something that you really want to be a part of? Cause, you know, control fast and all, so I have to ask. But if you aren't involved and you don't care, it's not controlling, right?''

He just shot me a look, so I dropped the subject.

So, I threw away a few things that I'm sure he won't miss (a burnt down candle and fake flowers) and moved a couple of things (more fake flowers) to a different room. 
I felt better. At this point I'll take what I can get. 

*sigh*

 Alas, tomorrow is another day. So I guess we'll see what it'll bring for me and then eventually for you to read. Wish me luck, friends!

Until next time,
Heather