Let's Talk Love Languages

Last night Josh and I were unwinding after an incredibly busy day. I was irritable and apparently I was doing a poor job of hiding it. 
Being the brave man that he is, Josh asked if I was irritated.

"Well, yes, to be honest."
"Is it something that I did?"
"You have to slow roast me before I feel up for anything tonight! You can't just crawl into bed and expect me to instantly shut down from the day and go into wife mode. I need you to butter me up the entire day for me to be able to relax and focus solely on being your wife."
*Note: He wasn't trying anything saucy. At all. He was across the room.*
"What? How did we got from talking about the Powerball and cupcakes to this?"
*pointing to my head* "Spaghetti noodles!"
"What?"
"Remember at that one marriage seminar where the guys talked about how women's brains are like spaghetti noodles because all issues interconnect and men's are like waffles because y'all can compartmentalize issues?"
"Oh. Yeah."
"Well, that's what's going on here."

 In reality, I had felt myself feeling the stress in my throat for a good portion of the day, but there was absolutely no time to communicate this to Josh. After he got home from work, he went straight to a meeting with a gentleman from his unit to give some counseling, and from there he went straight to church where he me up with the kids and me. 

Since last weekend was drill, I had the full responsibility of all housework, make up homeschooling, and bill paying,  plus getting the kids dressed, fed, and to a new church by myself. That's where the stress began, but it continued to be fed because, well, life happens, and Josh and I hadn't had the time to reconnect where I could share my heart and he could share his.

I'm always stressed because, well, that's my personality, but usually I can manage it better. Since I had days to think about why I felt that life was swallowing me whole, I knew exactly what was going on. 

"Do you remember how we took that love languages test awhile back?"
"Yeah."
"Well, yours was acts of service and quality time, and mine was physical touch and words of affirmation. I've felt distance from you for a little while because we haven't had time face-to-face to really feed our needs, so I've been trying to up my game so that you know that I love you. But I've been pretty silent about not feeling like my needs are being fed."

Okay, so let's talk Love Languages.
Most of you have surely heard of this test, but for those of you who haven't, let me explain.
Everyone craves love, however, we all crave different kinds. And typically, the ways that we show love tends to be our language, not the person's who's on the receiving ends language.  

Let's take Josh and myself for example. If you happen to be friends with me on Facebook, often you'll see me verbally praising Josh for his accomplishments, or how much I love him, etc... The thing is, even though he's appreciative of that, it doesn't fill his love tank. However, words of affirmation is one of my love languages, so that's how I naturally show my love to people.  He on the other hand, would go to the store 20 times during Thanksgiving to get everything that I forgot without thinking twice. While I'm really, truly thankful that I didn't have to go myself, it just doesn't fulfill me. But that's how he shows love because one of his love languages is acts of service. It's actually pretty cool to observe relationships after taking this test, because it's obvious most of the time how people need to be loved.

Once you've taken the test online (I'll post the link at the bottom), it will further explain what each language entails and such, but it's a pretty broad answer. You have to really sit down and define exactly what your language means to you personally and why that is. 

For example, let's start with me. 
(Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation)

Physical Touch:
Most people automatically assume that this means in a sexual way, and to some, it might. But for me, that's not it at all. The kind of touching that I crave from Josh is in the form of his arm around my shoulder at church, or his hand on the small of my back when we're walking, or even just a hug when I'm having a lousy day.

Why? 
It's a protective thing. When he touches me in these ways, I know that A) He's paying attention to my feelings. He knows that I need a hug right then, B) He's proclaiming to the world that "this is my woman, and I like her." (Yes, that's kind of archaic, but it's what butters my bread), and C) I feel secure when I know that he's right there beside me.

Words of Affirmation:
I constantly doubt myself. Am I a bad mom? Am I a bad wife? Was dinner good? When Josh praises me, I feel amazing. No, you shouldn't need to be validated by others to feel good about yourself, but a cheer from the family pep squad will never hurt a person. I crave validation.

Why?
I do a lot of things for my family. A. Lot. And I don't mind doing those things at all. In fact, caring for them is my happy place. But, sometimes I wonder if my efforts are being noticed or appreciated. I need to hear praises so resentment doesn't build inside me. I know that my family would never, ever take advantage of me, but human feelings step in and overtake logic sometimes. In the past, when Josh has praised me on Facebook for something that I did for him, or praised a dinner I made, I have stored that compliment in my heart and I pull it out from time-to-time when I'm feeling overwhelmed. Just remembering the compliments makes me blush and not only continue doing every day tasks, but doing them joyfully. 

It fills my love tank.

Now, let's take Josh for example.
(Acts of Service, Quality Time)

Acts of Service: 
I was pretty clued into what he needed in this area, because he tries to serve me in this way constantly. As I mentioned before, he's the goer in our family, as in he goes to the store for forgotten groceries, decorations, and medicines in the middle of the night. I knew I could feed this language by starting his car in the mornings, making his lunch for work, packing his bag for drill, and laying out his work uniform for him so he didn't have to search for it. But what I didn't know was why this way of helping him was important, so I asked him.

Why?
"It let's me know that you have my back." I was thrilled that was his answer because I realized that he saw me not as a servant, but as a teammate. His battle buddy. His right hand gal. He isn't a trusting person at all, so it always catches me off-guard when I realize that I'm one of the handful of people that he does trust. So now when I brave the cold wind to start his car in the morning, I don't mind as much because I'm letting him know that he can count on me with big things and small.

Quality Time:
I had assumed that this language meant being around each other. So this confused me when we'd be watching a movie, because he would be sitting there scrolling through Facebook on his phone. I thought quality time meant no distractions? Did he take the test wrong? Nope. Laying around watching movies doesn't qualify as quality time to him. When I asked him what he needs in this area, he said, "Hiking, home projects, yard work, etc.." 

Why?
"I need purposeful time with you. Time that we have set aside where we're working toward a common goal, whatever that happens to be." He needs a purpose to our time together. That makes sense since he's a very logical person. Why sit around doing nothing when we can spend our time together doing something meaningful? Why not do things together and then sit back and take in the glory of our finished task together? I kind of wonder if this might be why he gets agitated when I take on large projects by myself? 

There's another question to ask him.

I hope that this has been helpful to you guys, because it helped us to sit down and hammer down what exactly our languages meant to us. If you're interested in taking the test, here is the link.

We'll talk again soon, friends!