God is Working on Me

I debated about really writing anything about my faith, my church, or anything of the God nature on here because I was afraid I would lose my audience.

Quite frankly, I've lost some friendships throughout my growing process. I don't feel the loss was intentional or angry, just a growing apart process. It happens sometimes and I was afraid to lose anything else. 

This blog has always been a mish mash of DIY, day-in-the-life, and me getting my thoughts and opinions out in writing. So, there's never been a difinitive theme to my blog. This has been bothersome to me because it breaks all kinds of blog and author cohesiveness rules. 

But, you know what? 

My personality is a mish mash of random ramblings, so it's fitting my writing would be the same. 

Anyways, I've decided to go ahead and include posts about my faith in here since it's also a huge part of my life. If you don't particularly want to read these, then I understand. If you choose to quit reading my blog because of them, I just want you to know that I have appreciated your following and I hope one day in the future we can be friends again. 

With that being said, this last week has been depleting for me. I tend to have rose colored glasses about most situations. As most adults know, however, this world is really good at turning everything rose colored into that nasty gray that snow turns after it's been plowed. 

This week the world did that to me. Imagine my horror when (SURPRISE!) people were human and let me down with their behavior!

*gasp*

Oh! The horror!

You may have scoffed at that, but really, I had my blinders on about certain things (not just church) this week. 

By the end of Saturday night, I was depleted and skeptical of the world. 

If you know me,  you know that I have honest faith in people to the point of it being crippling to me at times. 

Then, it happened. 

I was let down. 

Imagine a child standing there in awe of their beautiful pink helium balloon... Just staring at it with a big, drooling smile. 

Then, imagine some jerk walking by, poking the balloon with a needle. 

Imagine the horror on the child's face as she watches her glorious pink balloon dangle from a string, shriveled and broken. 

That was me. 

I was angry. 

I was hurt. 

I wanted to immediately prepare for war. 

My balloon was burst. 

I went to church yesterday caring less about God's word. 

I mouthed angrily my worship song during practice. I didn't even really bother singing the hymns out loud. 

I sat in Sunday school participating in the discussion, but really at that point I just wanted to make silly faces at the cute baby sitting next to me. 

I stood, stoically, half-heartedly singing our songs in front of the congregation.

I shuffled/ stomped back to our pew after worship was over and prepared myself to get through my preacher's sermon that I typically enjoy. 

I just really, really didn't want to be there. 

Then it happened...

God placed in my pastor's heart one of the most humbling sermons I've heard in awhile. 

Every sentence made me cringe because it could have been talking about me. 

By the end of the service, I just wanted to get to the car before I burst into tears in front of the congregation. Not because I was hurt anymore, but because I was embarrassed. 

When I arrived at church that morning, I was angry for a good reason.  No one would argue that. However, instead of mirroring Jesus' actions, I was stuck in a continuous pity-party cycle and was throwing a hissy fit. 

I suppose it's that same gene that makes me naive to the world at times. 

We'll call it the Peter Pan gene. 

Or just immaturity. That would work, too.

I hate conflict, I want to like people. 

When I'm mad at someone, I'm mad at them for their actions, but I'm equally mad at them for giving me a reason to be mad at them. I just want to like everyone!

So that's what I have decided to do. 

I've decided to let my love for people overshadow their faults, because I have my faults, too, and I would hope they would show me that grace. 

I don't have to be mad. 

I don't have to feel let down. 

I don't have to be cynical. 

I choose to feel/be those things...

... And I simply choose not to anymore. 

You know what? It's freeing. 

Just as often as I have to remind myself that God is working on other people, I have to remind myself that He is working on me, too. 

I'm so thankful for that grace.