There is no light at the end of the tunnel... And that's okay

If you've read any of my posts since December, you've seen my journey with my mom. If you haven't, go back and read them if you want this post to make any sense. 

I have been in an absolute pit of hopelessness and despair over the predicament my sister and I have been in over my mom's living situation. We're out of money to put her in a facility. If she lives with us, we have to live with our childhood bully and she will wreck our kids the same way she wrecked us. If she lives alone, we'll have to worry all the time about if she's okay. 

Do I have a solution? Nope. Sure don't. 

I've said it over and over again; I love my mom even though she doesn't deserve it, but I love my children more. I can't put them in harms way and that's exactly what I would be doing of she came back here. 

After speaking with my friends last night, I was  able to let go of the guilt. I may be a bad daughter (in some people's eyes), but I'm a loving mother who wants to give her children the best chance at life that I can. If that means I'm a bad daughter, so be it. 

Sawyer (my five year old) had a meltdown of epic proportions the other day. I asked him what was worrying his heart. He told me, "Mom, I don't want you to become a grandma." I answered with, " But being a grandma is a great thing! There's nothing wrong with it." He replied, " But when you turn into a grandma, you turn mean like Nonny, and Nonny scares me."

*cue tears and heartbreak*

That was it for me. She CAN'T come back. My children's hearts are so open and so fresh. I can't have them worrying about safety or have grown up worries like that. 

So, here I sit. Unknowing what will happen to mom. To put her in a nursing home for 3 months and 25 days ( the penalty period) it will cost $15,000. Holy cow.

I have felt very magenta lately. That's a Golden Girls reference. Blanche uses it to describe her mish-mash of feelings. I describe it as when you're feeling every emotion possible. None of them make sense, yet, they all make sense. It's not a happy feeling. 

I have discussed my feelings and despair over this situation, but not to the extent that I want to. My mom blamed her mother and her childhood on why she was messed up as an adult. She has never taken responsibility for anything she has done or any way she has acted. It was my sister's and my fault our dads left. It was our fault we had no money. It was our fault she was a hoarder. It was our fault if there was nothing to eat in the house. It was our fault we had no hot water. It was our fault we had no heat. It was our fault we had no kitchen appliances. It was our fault she had depression. It was our fault that we didn't raise ourselves right. It was our fault she had no friends. It was my fault she got fired. 

Obviously, none of those things were our fault. We were children. 

I have carried guilt for those things listed above up until last year. Really, I believed I was responsible for those things. 

I refuse to feel that way. 

I felt if I discussed my childhood openly and honestly and admitted the negative, I would be acting just like her. 

What my friends helped me realize yesterday, was that it was okay to talk about it. I'm going through a healing process, and if I stitch up the wound too quickly and ignore the healing process, I won't heal properly yet again. 

I'm not embarrassed of my childhood anymore. I wasn't the one who did anything wrong. Don't get me wrong. I admit to the stupid things I have done, the poor decisions I have made. I was growing up, learning as I went. No one is perfect. 

What has given me hope and has made me decide it was okay to talk about things without being like my mom, is that even though I had a suck childhood, I learned from mistakes made by both myself and my mom, and grew from them. 

I grew from mistakes- THAT'S the difference between us. I do not dwell. I do not place blame where it isn't deserved. 

It's freeing to hear that despite our background, my sister and I grew into pretty amazing people. 

I was saying last night that I like to find hope and lessons during the hard times. I was having trouble finding one in this.  

BUT, I found one. 

I love who I am. Conceited? Maybe a little. But I'm okay with that. 

A flower has bloomed in the middle of a barren wasteland. 

It may take time, but you can grow something beautiful out of nothing. 

I have a beautiful soul despite it being damaged. 

And That's a little incredible.