The Untied States of Heather

 Yesterday, after a chaotic day, my sister-in-law and I were discussing how everyone has multiple personalities. (Mind you, we aren't talking about the kind that take over a body. We were talking about how you can have different sides to you.) But, then the hard questions started coming up; How does one build a wardrobe for the different personalities? What if two different personality's values contradict themselves? Will people understand my blog? I mean, I'm a different person every. single. day.


  I still haven't figured out the wardrobe thing, but since I rarely get out of my pj's, it doesn't really matter. I'm a hot little stay-at-home-mom. How can you resist my unbrushed hair, the flour on my shirt from cooking, not to mention that I won't respond to you unless you call me Mom? (I have a name? What?) Like I said, HOT.


   So, let's begin with the confusing blog posts.
I'm thinking about having different blogs for each personality. You know, naming the personalities, then blogging about what those personalities are interested in. It sounds weird and a bit obsessive, but weird and obsessive are my middle name! I'm concerned that my one blog would seem far too random. But that might be more fun!

  Okay, here are the different sides of me that I need to name. (Oh yeah, this is where the contradiction comes in.)

 The Hippy:
 She's the one who hates when her husband hunts. (Guns are dangerous and Bambi is cute!) She's extremely into essential oils and their healing and cleaning uses. She is interested in organic and all natural foods. Notice I said "interested in", not "practices the eating of". She is liberal and thinks that injustice is one of the worst things in the world. Holistic medicine is her preferred choice when it comes to medical treatment. She thinks herbal teas fix everything.

  The Southerner:
 She thinks it's horrid when men don't open doors, carry the groceries, or stand up to defend their woman. Sweet tea is a must in the fridge, bbq's are a must in the Summer. She scoffs when people take their car to a shop instead of fixing it themselves. She would rather have an extended cab 4-wheel drive Chevy truck instead of a car in the driveway. (Although she loves her car.) She lives for the Arkansas Razorback football season. Hunting season is an exciting time around the house and deer chili is one of the best foods out there!

 The Dude:
 He loves to get under the car with his husband. Broken things are a challenge, not a problem. He is prideful, raunchy, abrasive, and blunt. He drinks beer and smokes ciggs. He spits, burps, and loves shooting guns. He doesn't get out often, but he's always there.

 The Homemaker Part 1:
She's the frazzled homemaker. She's the one who feeds the kids, gives the baths, does the laundry and dishes. All the nasty cleaning is left to her. She handles the money, and is always stressed. She loves staying home and snuggling with her kids (which you can tell she does often when you walk in the door and she's still not showered nor changed her clothes.) Sexy.

The Homemaker Part 2:
 Ahh. She's the 'Bree' of the body. She'll wear an apron all day, arrange flowers in the Spring, make plans for her gardening two seasons ahead of time (Unfortunately, gardening doesn't seem to be something that ANY of my personalities are good at. We just kill things.) She organizes, sews, crafts, and cooks. Oh boy, does she cook. Cookies, cakes, roasts, turkeys, side dishes, she somehow manages to learn to cook anything. (Except for hamburgers. She REALLY sucks at burgers.)

The 13 Year Old:
 She gossips, has a temper, gets involved in drama, and is incredibly sensitive. She doesn't understand other girls, nor does she understand why some adults are idiots. I mean, they're adults. Haven't they learned their lessons yet?! OMG, really...

The Mom:
 She is probably the most annoying by far. She thinks she knows everything and every problem in the world is her responsibility to fix. (She has a plan for the Middle East.) She gets annoyed when people don't take her advice. She tries to mother everyone. She really means well. I mean, she's been in some hairy situations and survived. That advice is worth taking, right? She plans the birthday parties and hands out the punishments. She's neurotic and wants to take the kids to the doctor for everything. It's always a love/hate thing with her.

The  Feminist:
 She can do anything herself. She doesn't need a man to take care of her or stand up for her. She doesn't like thinking the home is her responsibility. Don't tell her she's done something wrong, she intended to do it that way! She would burn her bra, but it's pretty, and those things are expensive!

I'm sure there are more that I haven't thought about, but I can be any of these people all in one day. Some of them I enjoy, and some, well,  I just really hate when they come around. Poor Josh doesn't know who he's going to get at any given moment. I imagine it makes it difficult being married to me. But, he's stayed with it for 6 years. Maybe he's adapted different Josh personalities to deal with my Heather personalities. Hmm... That makes you think.

 Well, y'all, thanks for taking a peek inside my brain. Sorry for the clutter! =0)

 Laters,
 Heather (and some other folks hitching a ride)