The D-Word

 Calm down, it's not divorce. It's depression, which is just as sad and devastating.



*Warning* This is a sort-of heavy post. So, if you're looking for purple unicorns and poptart cats with rainbows coming out it's arse, read no further.


It's been a particularly hard day 7 months. It started in my last few weeks of pregnancy. I started having anxiety, which led to depression and anxiety after I gave birth. I thought I was prepared this time. (I suffered with postpartum after my son was born and the anxiety attacks started after my second miscarriage and got worse after my fourth) I talked with my doctor and was prescribed anti-depressants and then anti-anxiety meds after Sofia was born. I had pep-talks with myself and discussed heavily with my husband about what to expect.

I had this.

Then all hell broke loose with my husbands family. I won't go into details, but to sum it up, his two youngest siblings came to live with us. It was all good.

No one had anything to do with my depression, only I did. Sometimes when I would seem to be recovering, a situation would set me back.  I will NEVER place blame on anyone but myself for this.

 I quit my meds a few months ago because , "Hey! I feel great!" It's because YOU'RE ON YOUR MEDICATIONS, STUPID.

I preach about getting help when you need it by taking medications, faith, teas, aromatherapy, yoga, talking to a therapist, family, or friends. That it's okay to admit that you're depressed. It's nothing to be shameful of.
So why was I ashamed? I was too tired or angry to think that I needed to do any of those things. I just today said to a friend, "It's mind over matter, medications just help you get to that point."  Will I EVER listen to myself?

 I have been trying (not quite successfully) to fake a smile every day. My heart feels like it's going to beat out of my chest when I hear my name called, when I have to go anywhere, or see anyone. And yes, that includes my family. I want to sleep all the time, my body aches, my head hurts, I cry any time I'm alone. Sometimes I take showers just so I can cry. I'm so ANGRY. The smallest thing will set me off. It's a dark, sad, and lonely place here.

Okay, I've dealt with this before. It's mild compared to where my depression has led me to before. The turning point was a few days ago. I started thinking about how things would be so much easier if I weren't here anymore. Mind you, I wasn't thinking it would be easier on anyone else, but it would be for me. Not having to feel this way anymore, no drama, no heartache, no worry... it seemed pretty nice.  However, I would NEVER act on this. I do have a boundary that bounces me back into reality, that reminds me of how much I love my family, how that would solve NOTHING, and  that "This too shall pass."

 *Please, if you're having these thoughts, it's not a solution. Visit this website. It will get better. Just hold on.*

 Anyways, so obviously I'm treading dangerous territory. How did I let it get to this point? I know my triggers, I know the first signs. How?

Because depression is a sneaky little bastard. That's how.

Depression reminds me of my ex. It gets in your head and tells you, "Everyone's out to get you. Let me take care of you. We'll just hide out in the bedroom in the dark. Who was that calling your name? Don't answer them. They just want something and you're too weak of a person to help them. You're worthless. You fat-ass. Why don't you gain another 10 pounds? Why would you want to get dressed up and go out? You're still ugly and no one wants to look at you. God, you forgot to make dinner again? You are the WORST mother and wife! Worthless."

Like I said... sneaky bastard.

Well, with the help of my family, I'm ready to get the sneaky bastard out of my system. My meds get refilled tomorrow and so starts the yoga, candles, tea, and most importantly, my talks with God.

Wish me luck.

-Heather