A brand new day

Today is a new day.

Yesterday I let the world know that our family lost another child. 

Yesterday was hard. I had moments where I cried. But as the day went on, I felt stronger. I actually laughed. 

 I felt guilty in the moments that I laughed. 

Who laughs the day after a miscarriage?

I do. 

Like I said previously, this was our fifth miscarriage. We've been here before. It doesn't make it any easier. At all. 

However, this means that I've grieved this situation four previous times. 

I've questioned God, been angry with Him, angry with myself, sad, guilty, basically the whole mish-mash of emotion that come with miscarriage. 

I'm also nearing 28, which mean I've had 28 years to get to know myself. 

One thing that I've learned about myself is that I crack jokes and make others and myself laugh when troubled times engulf us. 

When my grandma was dying I giggled when I remembered how she made me peel the wallpaper off her bathroom wall because it looked like a demon. 

When my grandpa was hospitalized, I was cracking jokes with my cousins while standing beside him. 

After my grandad passed away, my sister and I laughed roariously when we kept finding his multiple cigarette pack stashes. He was sneaky!

All of these examples are extremely innapropriate. I know this. However, I will let you cry if you let me laugh. 

This is how I move on. I feel that sadness is completely normal. I'm sad when I laugh. But laughter makes things seem normal again. It's like music to me. The people that we lose don't want us to be sad forever. 

When I die, I expect you all to wail and cry during my funeral because I'm a drama queen and like the attention. But the second you sit your butts down to nosh all of that glorious post-funeral food that the south is known for, I expect you all to tell the most embarrassing stories about me. I won't haunt you for it. 

Promise. 

My point in all of this is that life moves on. I can choose to move with it or stay stagnant. 

Which kind of water is prettier? 

The kind that is sitting still, algae covered, with Shrek  holed up in the middle? 

Or the clear water that flows through the twists and turns, overcoming rocks and logs in its way?

 I know which I choose. 

I still hurt. 

I still cry. 

I still laugh. 

I still breathe, though it's hard sometimes.

I still live. 

Living is important. It's more than your body continuing to function. 

It's Experiencing. 

I've been laughing with my two kiddos this morning and it's healed me so much. I have life to experience. 

And quite frankly, I just don't want to be sad. 

So if you see me acting normal and laughing, please don't think of me as cold. It's me healing. Respect it please. 

Miscarriage

My friends, last week my husband and I received the joyous news that we were pregnant again.

We were excited and terrified. We had decided earlier this year that our family was complete, so we sold all of our baby and maternity stuff. When we found out the news, we giddily thought of all the things we needed in just 9 short months. 

A month ago, we confessed to each other, that despite our having sold all of our baby possessions, and the fact that all bedrooms in our home are filled already, we both longed for another baby. 

Fast forward to last week. We couldn't believe that we had gotten pregnant that fast. It must have been in God's plan for us since we got pregnant so quickly. I, of course, was worried because we've had four miscarriages, but for some reason, I felt good about this pregnancy. 

Last night, we lost the baby. 

I couldn't even tell Josh. I gave him "the look" and almost burst into tears. I holed up in the bedroom the rest of the night. 

Guilt consumed me. My body failed my baby and I was the sole reason my husband's heart was broken. 

Me. 

I'm the only one responsible. 

Of course I know I did nothing wrong. I know that it was out of my control. 

But was it?

I chose to chance this heart break. I convinced my husband that everything would be fine. 

I lied. 

He was angry. 

Not because he's a douchebag, but because he had to feel. Feeling isn't his forte, and he had lots of feels last night. I was broken and he was broken and he couldn't fix either of us. So all he could feel was anger. 

Of course I was angry at him for being angry. 

But then, something beautiful happened. 

I prayed for peace for both of us. 

I couldn't pray for anything else really. 

Suddenly, the situation was put in perspective and I was able to see Josh's side of things. 

When a pregnant woman miscarries, everyone is sad for her and worried for her, as they damn well ought to be. 

However, people forget that the husband loses a child as well. He is most often forgotten and pushed to the side. 

His heart is broken, yet he has to "remain strong" for his wife as he helps her body heal. He has to cheer her up while he's dying a little inside. 

I was being selfish last night. I expected total sympathy and comfort from him, but wasn't willing to return it. 

I was floored at this revelation. 

I sent him a text because I couldn't talk without crying. 

I told him I loved him and that I would help him through this however he needed me to. 

About an hour later he came in and we just held each other. We said nothing. 

He needed to be remembered.

 He needed to be comforted. 

Men like to be strong, but no one expects them to be strong when they lose a child. 

As for me, I have my moments where I mourn for what could have been here on earth. 

But you know what? My baby never had to live in this broken world. 

He or she got to go straight to a Perfect world. 

How amazing is that?

Please keep us in your prayers as we heal. 

Thanks, y'all. 

The Ten Commandments of Irritation

Would you like to know what the best cure for a nagging wife/mom/sister is?

DO WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO.

Most of the time I absolutely LOVE being a stay-at-home mom. I work really hard to make my family's life flow easily, to make a nice, clean home for them to live in, to decorate the house to create a peaceful environment, blah blah blah. But how peaceful is it going to be when I'm nagging all the time?

Not peaceful at all.

When it was just Josh and Sawyer here with me, I didn't mind cleaning up messes and organizing. I loved cooking and doing the laundry. Heck, I used to wash curtains just to have something to do! Fast forward a year-and-a-half later, Sawyer is older and makes much larger messes, Sofia is older and making messes, and Isaiah is a teenage boy... need I say more? I do need to say he doesn't really make messes and he cleans his own laundry and room. You'll see his list in a few.

Hold on, let me go get my bowl of Kix with chocolate chips... This is gonna be a bumpy ride.

There are Ten solid rules that no matter how hard I try, they feel they must live by. So here are our Ten Commandments.

1. Thou shall fill up any open space on shelves, coffee tables, dressers, desks, etc...

This is a pet-peeve to the max for me. It's something we've struggled with since day one of our marriage. But here's the thing, I've realized it's not just Josh. It's the kids too!
"Hey, look at this beautiful shelf with home decor and color coded books! It's the perfect place to dump all of my crap!" I grew up in house with lots of extra stuff, so clutter drives me crazy! I don't even know what to do with half of Josh's stuff. He has (last I counted) 8 pocket knives. What do I do with those? Not to mention the screwdriver, watches, packs of gum, trash, receipts, and other crap. It's too much! There's a place for all of those things! And the kids.... Apparently toys don't belong in their rooms in the toy boxes that are available. Nope, they go on the coffee table.

2. Thou shall throw all laundry anywhere but the hampers.

I have to admit, I do it too, but I'm also the one who cleans up the messes. I know, "lead by example", but I have to lead by example so much, I figure I should get some slack with laundry.
I find laundry under the couch, in bathroom floors, under beds, once I even found clothes in the freezer. (I'm guessing Sofia did that.) If a hamper is not available, make a pile where the hamper usually sits.

3. Thou shall half-ass all homework and chores.
I understand hating homework and chores as a teen. Hell, I still do. However, they are necessary  evils. If I ask you "Did you do your homework?" what I mean is, "Did you do all of your homework, to the best of your ability, don't lie to me." Also, chores.... If you know I'm going to check, wouldn't you do it right the first time? Or at least not lie about doing it? YOU KNOW I'M GOING TO CHECK! You're going to get caught! I don't understand it.

4. Thou shall proceed to flip out at Heather if something gets lost.
Here's the thing... If YOU lost it, I can't guarantee I'll find it. I'm not in charge of your phone, toy, homework, etc.... I already have enough to do besides find your stuff.

5.Thou shall hover over the cook in anticipation of food.

Back off... I'll let you know when dinner's done. I always have, I always will. Company in the kitchen is welcome, but do not get within 3 feet of me. ( Unless it's for a hug or kiss. I never get tired of those.)

6. Thou shall yell at the person who wakes you up in the morning.
I don't want to wake anyone up in the morning unless I have to. I would rather let everyone sleep while I drink my coffee and blog or watch my shows. I'm doing my family a favor by making sure they get to their respective places on time. I cringe when I flip the boys light on because Sawyer yells almost every morning and Isaiah gives me the go-to-hell look. I would rather throw a pillow at Josh and run, then leave the house for an hour so he can wake up. I have NEVER met a person who hates mornings so much. I try and wake everyone up in the nicest, calmest way possible, but when I'm telling you for the third time to get up, I lose my patience. So, can you guys just make it easier on me, please? After all, the only thing I'm asking you to do is wake up.

7.Thou shall get annoyed when a bill is forgotten...
...or when anything is forgotten for that matter. I have a lot going on in my head, I can't remember everything, and yes, that unfortunately includes important things sometimes. I understand people getting frustrated in that situation, but getting annoyed isn't going to make it better. A simple, "I understand, you have a lot on your plate. Would you like me to do it?" Or, "Mom, it's okay, we can take care of it." would help the situation so much! Most likely, I'll turn your offer down out of pride, but then I won't feel like I need to  get defensive.

8. Thou shall only focus on the things that aren't done.

Laundry? I hate folding it. However, silver lining? It gets washed! There's so much that I get done in one day, but it's easy to not see what did get done and focus on what didn't. Josh is super awesome when he understands that I've done a project instead of cleaning. I was productive on something different that day. Good job! Mix it up! The kids however, are a different story. "Mom! You didn't wash my footie pajamas!" Sawyer completely ignores the other 10 pair of pajamas he has clean. "Mom! You didn't find my show and tell toy!" "Son, that's your responsibility."

9. Thou shall get annoyed when errands must be run.

I hate doing them, too. But they have to be done, sometimes by myself, sometimes with Josh, sometimes with the kids. Being huffy about it, puts me in a bad mood when I already was dreading it as much as you were.

10. Thou shall get into everything that does not belong to you. 
Today I have gotten onto people for getting into my:
Paperwork
Phone
Candles
Food
Bedroom
Paint (Sofia drank it. After an ER visit and a cute picture of her covered in blue paint, she's a-okay.)
and Scissors

I have few things that I get to myself.  If I tell you not to touch it, that's because it's MINE. A mom has to put up boundaries. Mine were crossed today and I'm still grumpy about it.

So  there are our Ten Commandments... What are some of yours?

-Heather

Hey, There! Memba me?

Wow! It's been FOREVER since I've posted! I honestly had trouble even remembering how to work this thing. 

No one really reads this blog anyways, so I feel this might be a safe place to share. I have something that I hope will be big (eventually) in the works, but it all started with this book. It's called the Happiness Project. 

I have a good life, I mean a REALLY good life. Yes, there are everyday stresses like finances, education, and time management that always rear their ugly heads to deflate me sometimes, but if I look at the QUALITY of my life, I couldn't have it any better. My husband is smart, caring, and a great provider. He's never done anything that has truly hurt me, and goes out of his way to make me feel validated. My kids are smart and well on their way to being people who change the world.
We own our home, have three vehicles, and our bills get paid every month.

So, I got to asking myself, "Why am I not appreciating what we have? Why am I always so anxious? Why do I want to curl up in the blankets instead of being in the living room with the rest of my family?" I had read about The Happiness project from Natasha's blog (which I ADORE by the way!) and I decided to splurge on something for myself. When I first started reading the book, I was like, "This woman is educated, lives in New York, and couldn't possibly have any of the same issues I do." 

By the time I got halfway through the first chapter, I was like, "Holy cow. This is me!" Part of me was like, "Yay! I have something in common with this spectacular woman!" But then I was like, "Oh, I've got some work to do." I'll admit, I'm not even halfway through the book yet, but I've already been inspired. I won't be beginning my "project" until the beginning of the year, but there are some small things I can start today, like not being a stranger to my own blog. 

I'm making asking Josh to read it when I get done. He usually ignores my requests for him to read my vast collection of self-help books (Hey, don't judge, you can learn from anywhere, right?), but this time I think he might actually do it.

So here's to my homecoming blog! It's kinda good to be back!
Laters-
Heather

It's His Birthday, and I'll Cry if I Want To

Today is the 4th year of my son's existence on this Earth. I remember at one point in my life, I never wanted children. NEVER. Boy, that would have been a sad life.

 I've decided to tell y'all the story of Sawyer.

As I mentioned before, we found out we were pregnant 6 weeks after Josh came home from Iraq that we were pregnant.

 The Cookin' Stage-
I was moody, tired, and pukey. But hey, what's new? Well, apparently something else was off about me because everyone at work kept telling me I was pregnant. I didn't want to get my hopes up, so I just dismissed it for about a week. My symptoms kept getting worse so we decided to go get a test the next Monday. Josh went in Walgreens and came out with a digital test. I despise those, so huffily told him to go get a box of the line tests. We got home and I ran to the bathroom. I anxiously waited while I saw one line appear and then... "Oh crap! It's only one line. I told them I wasn't pregnant!"

 The week went by and by Saturday I thought I had the most God-awful stomach flu. We got home from work and I thought to myself, "I'm going to go take a test and double check." I didn't tell Josh what I was up to. I quietly slipped away to go do my bid-ness.

So, here I was again, staring at one line. I set the test on the sink and went to pull up my pants. I had them up, but I hadn't zipped or buttoned them when I look down and... "Holy crap! There's two lines." I remember thinking to myself, "You wanted this... now what? ....Oh my God! I'll be a terrible mom! What was I thinking?"

Then excitement set in and I ran out of the bathroom with one hand holding up my pants and the other the test. I shoved it in Josh's face and like a three year old proud of a drawing, I said, "What do  you think?" You know that smile that Ralphie does in A Christmas Story? One of those smiles slipped across my face when I said it.

We told family, and then friends, and then random people who we didn't know. I gain all of my weight in the beginning of my pregnancies, so I looked 5 months pregnant when I was just 8 weeks. So, I just lied and said that's how far along I was. (Yes, I'm a terrible person. But I only said that to strangers.)
I had sciatica, all-day sickness, and mood swings. Poor Josh had just survived war and he probably was more worried about surviving this pregnancy. I was miserable, he was miserable, everyone around me was miserable.

Why, Hello There!-

We decided to induce due to scheduling issues. (Never again) I had my water broken and pitocin started at 9:00a.m. on the 10th. I remember sleeping through most of my labor (except when I had a contraction or when people were playing with their phones). We had gone to birthing classes and the told us to find a place in the room to focus on during the peak of your contractions. Mine was a little outlet   outlet on the wall, under a table at the foot of my bed. I don't know why I chose it, but I remember Josh standing in front of it during one particularly bad contraction. I screamed at him, of course. He was so confused. He had no idea what I was talking about.

At some point in the afternoon on the 11th, they told me that they needed to do an emergency c-section because the baby's heart rate was dropping. They wheeled me in to surgery. The nurses were discussing something that was wrong with their cars and I said, "Oh! We just fixed that on our car! This is what's wrong and here's how you fix it." The room got silent. I think they were confused as to why I was discussing cars when I'm splayed open on an operating table. Who knows. I heard them say that he was out, but not crying. Once they untangled the cord around his neck (it was wrapped twice and in a knot) I heard the most amazing sound- his cry. "We made that! A life just came out of me!"

Sawyer was born at 6:31 p.m. He weighed 6lbs 12oz and was 18 in long. They rushed Josh and Sawyer out of the room and I was left alone. I thought they would put me to sleep, but oh no, they couldn't be that nice. I heard them discuss my hemorrhaging, my "lazy uterus" (Yes, a male doctor actually said that. A female nurse scolded him and said that it was NOT lazy, just tired. It had been working hard for a long time.),  and how they had never seen this problem before. When they started talking about how they didn't know how to fix it or what to do, I asked to be put to sleep.

When I woke up in recovery, I got to hold the most precious being I had ever seen. All of the hard things that had led to this were just a distant memory. This was my life now. Amazing.

The Later Years-

 Sawyer is now 4 today. We made it through the 9 months of colic, the ingesting of one of perfumes when he was 1 year old, the move to our new house, the tons of hugs and kisses, first words, and first steps.
My son is a sarcastic, hilarious, hyper, smart, caring, loving, bossy, insightful little booger. He's into superheroes  now. I shared this as my Facebook statues awhile back but it's worth repeating.

"My son says he's going to save the world one day... and I believe him."

To those of you who know Sawyer, you know there is no other child in the world like him. He amazes me every single day. I can't believe a person could have this much love towards another person. But, there it is.

 Loves him.

First 4th of July

First Swimmin' Trip

Easter 2009

                                                                                  First Camping Trip

                                            

                                                                                                               What he got for his birthday today

-Heather

We're Still Havin' fun, and You're Still the One

This post title pretty much sums up how I feel about my marriage.

 Mind you, it's not been an easy road.( Is it ever? That would be boring.) However, I can honestly say that my husband makes me laugh at least once a day, and I could never imagine anyone else in his spot.

Every year there's always a discussion about how we made it another year and we made it through the hardships of said year. This year has been no different.

 I was going to do  this project for our anniversary, but time slipped away from me and it didn't get done. I was going to tell him 52 reasons I loved him, but all he's going to get is 21. (Hey, I had kids screaming at me while I was making the list. Don't judge.)




                                              The 21 Reasons I Love You

 1. You have faith.

2. My family adores you.

3. You're the kind of dad to our kids that I've always wanted for my kids.

4. You've always been faithful to me in every single way.

5. You completely understand me... and don't judge me for it.

6. You won't let me pump the gas.

7. You want to teach our son to be the man that you are.

8. You gave me our babies.

9. You trust me.

10. You made me believe in God again.

11.You've helped me heal.


12. You believe in me, and in turn, made me believe in myself.


13.You tear up with me when a song about sons or daughters comes on the radio.


14.You're EXTREMELY easy on the eyes. (Thank God, because I don't want to live the rest of my life with my eyes hurting.)


15. You. Are. A. Dork. And I love it.


16. Your voice is unbelievable. ( He sang Brian McKnight's Back At One to me over the phone when he was in AIT, and it sounded better than the original. I cried.)


17. You are an amazing provider for your family, and I'm able to stay home with our kids because of it. 


18.You've worked full-time and gone to school full-time  for 5 years- and have never complained about it. 


19. The safest I ever feel is when you hug me.


20. Looking into your eyes makes me feel like I'm home.


21. You picked me to get to experience your love every single day.


There you have it. 21 reasons why I'm so blessed.


I heard this song the other day, and it just fit us so well that I have to share it.

 Happy anniversary, Josh. I love you!
 

Sugar, We're Goin' Down Swingin'

So, here it is, my first blog.

I've been deciding for a week what I wanted my first post to be about. Since Monday is my 6 year wedding anniversary, I figured I would start with that event. You see, this was the event that made me realize that my life hadn't started until the day I married Josh. (Cliche, right?)

It all started the week before June 25th, 2005. I was working at Arby's and there was this egotistical, arrogant jerk that I started having to work shifts with. I prided myself as an awesome back-line worker.  In my silly little 18 year-old mind, I was the shiz-nit. (I later was put in my place, and it was one of the best things that ever happened to me.) Anyways, so, back to the jerk... I'm 4'11. (5' when I lie to myself. Once, I actually made the nurse measure me three times before she just decided to lie to me and tell me what I wanted to hear.)  This jerk would put the portion trays in the very back of the microwave so I couldn't reach them. He walked around like he owned the place, and he detested me.

For a solid month I complained about him any chance I got. Finally, my dad looked at me and said, "You really like him don't you? I mean, you talk about him all the time." I was floored. He was right! Somehow, this jerk had become a part of my life... and I liked it. "But", I said to myself, "I will NEVER tell him! He's leaving for basic in a week anyways. It's not worth the trouble"

"The jerk" worked night shifts and I was a day-shifter. One night I was getting gas and I happened to see my cousin's BF hanging out with another girl. I drove to Arby's (yes, everyone on God's green earth worked there at some point) to tell her. I was standing in the drive-thru window telling her what I saw, when who shows up at the window? The jerk. He just stared at me like I was an idiot. In his defense, I probably looked like one. I talk with my hands and I'm incredibly animated when telling a good story.


 Later that night, I told my cousin I thought he was cute. I decided I was going to give him my address and number so he could keep in touch while he was gone. On the way to work, I got SO sick to my stomach. I couldn't go through with it. My friend ended up giving it to him. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, my marriage started with my friend passing my husband a note from me. I love the 3rd-grader in me! So the next day, I asked her what he said when she gave it to him and she said he just said, "Okay."

 Ugh. I blew it. I'm a loser. I took a stab and I failed. I will be that old cat-lady and single for forever. (So dramatic, you!) I decided that he was a jerk again, but still worth pursuing, so I invited him to hang out one night after work. He did, and so started the most magical 6 months of my life. (Or so I thought then, our lives gets more magical all the time.) We hung out for a week, notes were left in cars, neither of us slept... it was love.

He left for Basic Training and AIT, a week after we started hanging out. He wrote me amazing letters that our grandchildren will enjoy one day. I wrote him song lyrics while sitting at the top of my Oak tree in the dark. I got to see him for one day in the 5 months he was gone. He came home on December 7th. My Grandad (who you'll hear more about I'm sure because he was just that awesome) died 2 days later. Josh stayed with me through the visitation, funeral, and the holidays.

 On Christmas day, he proposed. I was told by a co-worker that he had planned to. So, I decided I was going to help him out by making it easy for him. What can I say? I'm controlling and a planner. Eh. Now remember, we were 18 and BROKE, so I drove us to the most romantic places that I could think of in this small town. He still didn't propose. Midnight was getting close and the romantic side of me REALLY wanted him to do it on our six month anniversary. So, he had about an hour. We finally decided to go walk around the park, but we didn't get too far because a skunk had stunk up the walkway. (SO, romantic) We sat down in a pavillion that was pretty dirty and full of stacked tables and chairs. This, this is where he decided to pop the question... and it was perfect. I didn't know it was perfect at the time, but looking back, it was so us.

 We had planned on getting married on our one year anniversary, but on January 6th, we found out he was deploying to Iraq. So, what was the practical thing to do? Get married on the next business day of course! My Grandma made sure we were married in a church and no one would let us wear our hoodies during the wedding. Losers.

Our wedding. Young, broke, but so happy!

                                               

One of the last hugs we had before he left for Iraq.

                  

He left for deployment three days later. He was gone until March of 2007. Six weeks after he got back, SURPRISE! We're pregnant! We had our son, Sawyer, in January of the next year. And our daughter, Sofia, in May of 2011.

Sawyer and Sofia

 Lordy, Lord have we had some sad tears shed, but, by far MANY more happy tears have been shed. We have had fights, miscarriages, money problems, family has let us down, but that tangled web has woven us together. Nothing is perfect, and that's what makes life so awesome! Can you imagine a perfect world, or perfect marriage for that matter? BORING!

 I love you, Josh. I can never tell you that enough, and you will never know how much I mean it.



 If this post was hard to read, I'm on my third cup of coffee and I have the brain jitters. I know this was a long post, but it's done a fairly good job of introducing me to those of you who don't know me. Alright, off to go fix my 4th cup.

 Laters,
 Heather