A brand new day

Today is a new day.

Yesterday I let the world know that our family lost another child. 

Yesterday was hard. I had moments where I cried. But as the day went on, I felt stronger. I actually laughed. 

 I felt guilty in the moments that I laughed. 

Who laughs the day after a miscarriage?

I do. 

Like I said previously, this was our fifth miscarriage. We've been here before. It doesn't make it any easier. At all. 

However, this means that I've grieved this situation four previous times. 

I've questioned God, been angry with Him, angry with myself, sad, guilty, basically the whole mish-mash of emotion that come with miscarriage. 

I'm also nearing 28, which mean I've had 28 years to get to know myself. 

One thing that I've learned about myself is that I crack jokes and make others and myself laugh when troubled times engulf us. 

When my grandma was dying I giggled when I remembered how she made me peel the wallpaper off her bathroom wall because it looked like a demon. 

When my grandpa was hospitalized, I was cracking jokes with my cousins while standing beside him. 

After my grandad passed away, my sister and I laughed roariously when we kept finding his multiple cigarette pack stashes. He was sneaky!

All of these examples are extremely innapropriate. I know this. However, I will let you cry if you let me laugh. 

This is how I move on. I feel that sadness is completely normal. I'm sad when I laugh. But laughter makes things seem normal again. It's like music to me. The people that we lose don't want us to be sad forever. 

When I die, I expect you all to wail and cry during my funeral because I'm a drama queen and like the attention. But the second you sit your butts down to nosh all of that glorious post-funeral food that the south is known for, I expect you all to tell the most embarrassing stories about me. I won't haunt you for it. 

Promise. 

My point in all of this is that life moves on. I can choose to move with it or stay stagnant. 

Which kind of water is prettier? 

The kind that is sitting still, algae covered, with Shrek  holed up in the middle? 

Or the clear water that flows through the twists and turns, overcoming rocks and logs in its way?

 I know which I choose. 

I still hurt. 

I still cry. 

I still laugh. 

I still breathe, though it's hard sometimes.

I still live. 

Living is important. It's more than your body continuing to function. 

It's Experiencing. 

I've been laughing with my two kiddos this morning and it's healed me so much. I have life to experience. 

And quite frankly, I just don't want to be sad. 

So if you see me acting normal and laughing, please don't think of me as cold. It's me healing. Respect it please. 

Miscarriage

My friends, last week my husband and I received the joyous news that we were pregnant again.

We were excited and terrified. We had decided earlier this year that our family was complete, so we sold all of our baby and maternity stuff. When we found out the news, we giddily thought of all the things we needed in just 9 short months. 

A month ago, we confessed to each other, that despite our having sold all of our baby possessions, and the fact that all bedrooms in our home are filled already, we both longed for another baby. 

Fast forward to last week. We couldn't believe that we had gotten pregnant that fast. It must have been in God's plan for us since we got pregnant so quickly. I, of course, was worried because we've had four miscarriages, but for some reason, I felt good about this pregnancy. 

Last night, we lost the baby. 

I couldn't even tell Josh. I gave him "the look" and almost burst into tears. I holed up in the bedroom the rest of the night. 

Guilt consumed me. My body failed my baby and I was the sole reason my husband's heart was broken. 

Me. 

I'm the only one responsible. 

Of course I know I did nothing wrong. I know that it was out of my control. 

But was it?

I chose to chance this heart break. I convinced my husband that everything would be fine. 

I lied. 

He was angry. 

Not because he's a douchebag, but because he had to feel. Feeling isn't his forte, and he had lots of feels last night. I was broken and he was broken and he couldn't fix either of us. So all he could feel was anger. 

Of course I was angry at him for being angry. 

But then, something beautiful happened. 

I prayed for peace for both of us. 

I couldn't pray for anything else really. 

Suddenly, the situation was put in perspective and I was able to see Josh's side of things. 

When a pregnant woman miscarries, everyone is sad for her and worried for her, as they damn well ought to be. 

However, people forget that the husband loses a child as well. He is most often forgotten and pushed to the side. 

His heart is broken, yet he has to "remain strong" for his wife as he helps her body heal. He has to cheer her up while he's dying a little inside. 

I was being selfish last night. I expected total sympathy and comfort from him, but wasn't willing to return it. 

I was floored at this revelation. 

I sent him a text because I couldn't talk without crying. 

I told him I loved him and that I would help him through this however he needed me to. 

About an hour later he came in and we just held each other. We said nothing. 

He needed to be remembered.

 He needed to be comforted. 

Men like to be strong, but no one expects them to be strong when they lose a child. 

As for me, I have my moments where I mourn for what could have been here on earth. 

But you know what? My baby never had to live in this broken world. 

He or she got to go straight to a Perfect world. 

How amazing is that?

Please keep us in your prayers as we heal. 

Thanks, y'all. 

Hey, There! Memba me?

Wow! It's been FOREVER since I've posted! I honestly had trouble even remembering how to work this thing. 

No one really reads this blog anyways, so I feel this might be a safe place to share. I have something that I hope will be big (eventually) in the works, but it all started with this book. It's called the Happiness Project. 

I have a good life, I mean a REALLY good life. Yes, there are everyday stresses like finances, education, and time management that always rear their ugly heads to deflate me sometimes, but if I look at the QUALITY of my life, I couldn't have it any better. My husband is smart, caring, and a great provider. He's never done anything that has truly hurt me, and goes out of his way to make me feel validated. My kids are smart and well on their way to being people who change the world.
We own our home, have three vehicles, and our bills get paid every month.

So, I got to asking myself, "Why am I not appreciating what we have? Why am I always so anxious? Why do I want to curl up in the blankets instead of being in the living room with the rest of my family?" I had read about The Happiness project from Natasha's blog (which I ADORE by the way!) and I decided to splurge on something for myself. When I first started reading the book, I was like, "This woman is educated, lives in New York, and couldn't possibly have any of the same issues I do." 

By the time I got halfway through the first chapter, I was like, "Holy cow. This is me!" Part of me was like, "Yay! I have something in common with this spectacular woman!" But then I was like, "Oh, I've got some work to do." I'll admit, I'm not even halfway through the book yet, but I've already been inspired. I won't be beginning my "project" until the beginning of the year, but there are some small things I can start today, like not being a stranger to my own blog. 

I'm making asking Josh to read it when I get done. He usually ignores my requests for him to read my vast collection of self-help books (Hey, don't judge, you can learn from anywhere, right?), but this time I think he might actually do it.

So here's to my homecoming blog! It's kinda good to be back!
Laters-
Heather

Catch Up

So, it' been awhile since I've posted. I didn't exactly leave on a good note. However, although it's been a hard climb, it's in the right direction. It's only up, up, up from here.

In January we had my son's 4th birthday party. It was superhero themed. I sewed capes for all the kiddos and we played some games. I had decided to go old-school comic style with the decorations and the cupcakes.

Our Super Hero Punch

He Really like them

Us in front of the picture backdrop my sister-in-law Bekka and I made.

For Valentine's Day, Josh and I had a kid-free weekend at home. It was quiet and sweet. In the past, we've gone all-out and by the time the preparations were finished, we were too tired to actually enjoy the time together. So, this was such a nice change of pace.

A few weeks ago, there was a terrible tornado outbreak all through the area. We were so blessed to not be affected in our town, but one of our neighboring cities was hit with an E-f 2 twister. I think three people lost their lives from this one tornado. It had something like a seventy mile path. The pictures of the destruction brought me to tears. It's scary to think of how everything you once held dear could be gone in seconds.

In much needed positive news, my sister-in-law Bekka and her boyfriend Sam got engaged! I can't think of a single person I would rather her marry than Sam. They've been friends for years and we all saw this day coming before they did. Her wedding will be in October. I can't wait to help with the crafting and planning. My first task was to go to the site where he proposed and get some pictures. The look-out was a good choice, Sam!

My next task will be to make an appointment with my cousin Tracy to get engagement photos done. Rachel, my other sister-in-law who lives in Nashville, will be blowing up Pinterest helping me plan Bekka's engagement luncheon/ tea. I'll definitely be doing more posts on this. I'm so excited!

We finally got our taxes back and we've been able to pay off some debts including Josh's car. We've been able to get some projects done around the house that we've been wanting to get done like painting the front porch, my swing from my Grandad's house, and making a coffee table out of an old wooden coffee table frame and an old  almost rotting door. I know, it sounds gross, but here's the finished products....

My Grandad's swing. My sister has the other one that also used to hang on the porch at our Grandparents house. I have so many great memories swinging with my Grandad, coloring pictures with my sister, and finding Easter eggs. This swing just makes me happy.

 

 

 

The coffee table for our patio. We had a shell of an old coffee table, so we just screwed the old door down on top of the shell, sanded, clear coated, and decorated with solar lamps and petunias. I'm pretty proud of this thing!

                                 

We finally got a new front door and storm door!

Our welcome rug that Josh's family got it a few Christmases ago. I love it!

This was the first "big" purchase we got as a couple after Josh came home from Iraq. It was bamboo colored, but our walls are gingerbread colored, so it blended in. I finally got to paint it black, so now it pops!

An old chair that we found in a friend's barn. Bekka and Sam repaired it for us last weekend while we were out camping.

We've dug up those nasty bushes in the front of our house. I've order dwarf burning bushes, dwarf butterfly bushes, and Snow in Summer to replace the bushes. We also have many other plants ordered. There will be another post for that.

 This last weekend was seriously one of the best I've had in a very long time. We got up on Saturday and took the kids to Lost Valley hiking trail by the Buffalo River. It was Sofia's first time there. She sat on Josh's shoulder and Sawyer was able to navigate this time without us having to hold his hand the whole time. We saw the water fall ( I was too distracted with safety to remember to take a picture. Ugh!) When we left there, we stopped at an old homestead half a mile down the road.  It was built in the 1880's and I showed Sawyer how different the homes back then were. There were huge gaps in between the boards and it looked more like a barn rather than a house.

We came home and I made meatloaf cupcakes with mashed potato icing and cheese sprinkles. I found the recipe here.

This isn't the best picture since it was taken with my phone, but here's the finished product.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

      

 

 

 

 

I also took the time to finish up the perfumes that my niece and I mad out of dried herbs and vodka. I started a new batch and I've hung some Lilac up to dry to make some perfume out of it as well. I infused some olive oils for cooking and labeled everything. (Label ALL the things!)

My Lilac Drying

Our finished perfumes. And yes, I agree that I need to make them prettier.

My infused olive oils

New batch of perfume

 Sunday morning we woke up and went straight into planting our garden. I'll admit it, I kill everything I plant. But I figured with Josh's help, the plants might not die so quickly. We mowed, hung up a clothes line (we have a dryer but clothes always just smell so awesome when they've been outside!), then Josh grilled some awesome burgers while I made potato wedges and Provencal aioli for dipping. We finished up with the family sitting around the fire-pit, visiting, and asking Isaiah (Josh's little brother who lives with us) what his plans were for college and such. It has been absolutely amazing!

And yep, I just realized I spelled Lavender wrong. I've fixed it in real life, but the picture stays.

Our Lilac bush

So, Now you've caught up with me! I'm so glad to be back, y'all! Back here and back to my old self. Life is super. 
Laters, 
Heather

The D-Word

 Calm down, it's not divorce. It's depression, which is just as sad and devastating.



*Warning* This is a sort-of heavy post. So, if you're looking for purple unicorns and poptart cats with rainbows coming out it's arse, read no further.


It's been a particularly hard day 7 months. It started in my last few weeks of pregnancy. I started having anxiety, which led to depression and anxiety after I gave birth. I thought I was prepared this time. (I suffered with postpartum after my son was born and the anxiety attacks started after my second miscarriage and got worse after my fourth) I talked with my doctor and was prescribed anti-depressants and then anti-anxiety meds after Sofia was born. I had pep-talks with myself and discussed heavily with my husband about what to expect.

I had this.

Then all hell broke loose with my husbands family. I won't go into details, but to sum it up, his two youngest siblings came to live with us. It was all good.

No one had anything to do with my depression, only I did. Sometimes when I would seem to be recovering, a situation would set me back.  I will NEVER place blame on anyone but myself for this.

 I quit my meds a few months ago because , "Hey! I feel great!" It's because YOU'RE ON YOUR MEDICATIONS, STUPID.

I preach about getting help when you need it by taking medications, faith, teas, aromatherapy, yoga, talking to a therapist, family, or friends. That it's okay to admit that you're depressed. It's nothing to be shameful of.
So why was I ashamed? I was too tired or angry to think that I needed to do any of those things. I just today said to a friend, "It's mind over matter, medications just help you get to that point."  Will I EVER listen to myself?

 I have been trying (not quite successfully) to fake a smile every day. My heart feels like it's going to beat out of my chest when I hear my name called, when I have to go anywhere, or see anyone. And yes, that includes my family. I want to sleep all the time, my body aches, my head hurts, I cry any time I'm alone. Sometimes I take showers just so I can cry. I'm so ANGRY. The smallest thing will set me off. It's a dark, sad, and lonely place here.

Okay, I've dealt with this before. It's mild compared to where my depression has led me to before. The turning point was a few days ago. I started thinking about how things would be so much easier if I weren't here anymore. Mind you, I wasn't thinking it would be easier on anyone else, but it would be for me. Not having to feel this way anymore, no drama, no heartache, no worry... it seemed pretty nice.  However, I would NEVER act on this. I do have a boundary that bounces me back into reality, that reminds me of how much I love my family, how that would solve NOTHING, and  that "This too shall pass."

 *Please, if you're having these thoughts, it's not a solution. Visit this website. It will get better. Just hold on.*

 Anyways, so obviously I'm treading dangerous territory. How did I let it get to this point? I know my triggers, I know the first signs. How?

Because depression is a sneaky little bastard. That's how.

Depression reminds me of my ex. It gets in your head and tells you, "Everyone's out to get you. Let me take care of you. We'll just hide out in the bedroom in the dark. Who was that calling your name? Don't answer them. They just want something and you're too weak of a person to help them. You're worthless. You fat-ass. Why don't you gain another 10 pounds? Why would you want to get dressed up and go out? You're still ugly and no one wants to look at you. God, you forgot to make dinner again? You are the WORST mother and wife! Worthless."

Like I said... sneaky bastard.

Well, with the help of my family, I'm ready to get the sneaky bastard out of my system. My meds get refilled tomorrow and so starts the yoga, candles, tea, and most importantly, my talks with God.

Wish me luck.

-Heather