Shower Psychotherapy

I would like to think I'm a fairly confident person. I state my opinion and stand by it, I have no problem talking with strangers, I LOVE public speaking, I have never backed down from a fight that was worth fighting, and most of the time I love the person that I'm becoming.

Now I can honestly say that all of this flies out the window when it comes to my marriage.

We have a great  marriage, don't get me wrong. Josh never makes me feel like I'm not good enough... I do that to myself.




Some days Josh is quiet and grumpy, mostly in the mornings. He's not a morning person. Of course, 90% of the time he's just trying to wake up or he's going over his to-do list in his head.

But do I ever just leave it at that in my head?

Hell no...

I come up with ridiculous scenarios about what's "really" going on in his head.

Josh was having a quiet morning and so I texted him asking what was wrong and what I could do to make it better. I was feeling horrible because he was upset about something.

Here was my conversation with myself in the shower this morning after not getting an immediate reply from him...

"Okay, he was grumpy this morning.
He was probably just tired.
But what if he wasn't?
Oh God, what am I doing wrong?
Okay, think. 
Was I yelling this morning? No?
Okay, moving on.
Was it because I've lost my spunk that he used to love?
I mean I have... but it's because I've matured, right?
Oh no! Are we growing apart?
No, no... We still have similar interests. We're fine on that front.
Right?
Shut up, Heather. Move on....
Okay, is he tired of me waking up in yoga pants and Star Wars shirts?
Arrgh! I've become "that" wife in the mornings!
I need to be sexier.
No, scratch that. I love my sleep.
I'll just start slapping some mascara on and brush my hair in the mornings.
Close enough.
*gasp*
Is it because I'm being a poser by wearing a Star Wars shirt when I've never seen all the movies?
I would be pissed if he wore a Dr. Who shirt when I knew he couldn't appreciate the deeper meaning of the show.
No... He's a Trekkie... That's not it.
Is it because I've put weight back on?
Okay, I need to start running again. I was getting in great shape and then I quit.
I quit everything I start.
Crap, is it because I'm a quitter?
Does that make him think I'm a commitment-phobe?
Well, I'm not. I'll show him. I'll kick his ass at getting in shape.
Gosh- I'm out of breath just from taking a shower.
But that's because I smoke- not because I'm out of shape.
Is it because I've started smoking more?
Okay, if that's it, he'll just have to deal.
Gosh my legs are pale.
When he married me I was so tan.
Maybe he misses me being super dark. I looked healthier.
Okay, I'll put more self tanner on.
Wait, will that make me orange?
Eh- worth a shot.
Crap, does he have clean work pants?
Maybe that's it!
Well, if that's it, he can wash his own damn clothes.
Oh, that was so mean of me.
I'll go start a load of laundry when I get out of the shower.
Is it another woman?
No, Heather. He wouldn't do that.
*giggles* If there ever were another woman, she can deal with him in the mornings.
I need to paint my nails.
I'll never be super feminine.
Maybe that's what he wants.
Nah, he likes a natural looking girl in t-shirts and jeans.
But he DID try and get me to buy dresses and heels once.
Did he want to see me in that, or did he think I would enjoy it?
Add to to-do list: get sundress and cowboy boots. A good compromise.
I need to figure out what's for dinner.
You know- I haven't been cooking like I used to.
Men love food. Does he feel like I don't love him if I don't feed him well?
Nah, I didn't cook when we first got married and he knew I loved him.
What the heck is it?
*hears my text message tone*
I bet that's him.
*turns off shower and goes to look at phone*
This is it, Heather. Moment of truth."
 *looks*

"I'm good now. Just need some wake up. Love you!"

Seriously?

No... I know I am.... And this proves it to anyone who doubted.

Camo and Class... Two Reasons Why I love Living in the South

I could tell you about 2 million reasons why I love living in the South, but today I figured I would share a story about two reasons in particular.

Yesterday morning my sister, brother-in-law, and mom were headed to Fayetteville for an appointment with my mom's doctor.

It was 6 in the morning and I wasn't feeling my usual perky self. (Yes, I'm a morning person. Everyone in my house hates me for it.) I was tired and worried about the appointment.

We had to stop into a gas station in Alpena (one of the smaller towns that surrounds our small town.) I make it a habit to not go into gas stations by myself when it's dark outside. I never used to worry about it. After all, our town only has about 12,000 people and I think Alpena has something like 600. But it makes Josh uncomfortable, so I've made it a habit not to, so he doesn't worry.

I go to head in and there are two rough looking guys in camo headed to the front door at the same time as me. But you know what? People around here have manners, so I kind of expected them to hold the door open for me. (Entitled Southern Belle here!) And they did not disappoint! One held one door and the other held the other door, so not only did I feel like a lady, but I had (in my head) a grand entrance. (I had the Gone With the Wind music playing in my head and everything. Ridiculous.)

I get inside and get in line behind yet another guy in  camo who was talking on his cell phone. He didn't notice that I had come in. This is the conversation that followed:

Camo guy #1 with cell phone speaking to camo guy #2: Hey, ____! Did you know that your stupid son is in jail again?!

Camo #2: Yeeep. I read it in tha paper. I dunno what I'm gonna do with that boy.

Camo #1: When's he gonna learn? That stupid son of a b****!

Camo guy #2: Hey, ___ We gotta a lady here!

Lady (who I assume is a regular): ____, You hush it, son! Bein' all reckless with that there sailor mouth!

Camo #1: *turns to me* Oh ma'am! I'm so sorry! I didn't know you were here! Please forgive me! I swear I'm a gentleman.

Me: No worries, sir. My husband's in the military.... I've heard worse. It's fine, really!

Camo #1: *shakes my hand* Please tell your husband I apologize for my behavior and tell him thank you for serving.

Y'all, I couldn't stop giggling! He was so flustered! The second camo guy was giggling at me giggling. It was a ridiculous giggle fest.

Okay, so my point is, no matter how rough the men around here can look sometimes, they have manners. It was a pleasant surprise and absolutely made my morning! When you see someone you aren't sure of, show them those manners we're instilled with and give them a chance to show you who they truly are.

I like to make lessons out of everything that I experience in a day. This by far was the lesson of:

NEVER JUDGE A BOOK BY IT'S COVER

Because you might miss out on some really great people or experiences.



-Heather

The Ten Commandments of Irritation

Would you like to know what the best cure for a nagging wife/mom/sister is?

DO WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO.

Most of the time I absolutely LOVE being a stay-at-home mom. I work really hard to make my family's life flow easily, to make a nice, clean home for them to live in, to decorate the house to create a peaceful environment, blah blah blah. But how peaceful is it going to be when I'm nagging all the time?

Not peaceful at all.

When it was just Josh and Sawyer here with me, I didn't mind cleaning up messes and organizing. I loved cooking and doing the laundry. Heck, I used to wash curtains just to have something to do! Fast forward a year-and-a-half later, Sawyer is older and makes much larger messes, Sofia is older and making messes, and Isaiah is a teenage boy... need I say more? I do need to say he doesn't really make messes and he cleans his own laundry and room. You'll see his list in a few.

Hold on, let me go get my bowl of Kix with chocolate chips... This is gonna be a bumpy ride.

There are Ten solid rules that no matter how hard I try, they feel they must live by. So here are our Ten Commandments.

1. Thou shall fill up any open space on shelves, coffee tables, dressers, desks, etc...

This is a pet-peeve to the max for me. It's something we've struggled with since day one of our marriage. But here's the thing, I've realized it's not just Josh. It's the kids too!
"Hey, look at this beautiful shelf with home decor and color coded books! It's the perfect place to dump all of my crap!" I grew up in house with lots of extra stuff, so clutter drives me crazy! I don't even know what to do with half of Josh's stuff. He has (last I counted) 8 pocket knives. What do I do with those? Not to mention the screwdriver, watches, packs of gum, trash, receipts, and other crap. It's too much! There's a place for all of those things! And the kids.... Apparently toys don't belong in their rooms in the toy boxes that are available. Nope, they go on the coffee table.

2. Thou shall throw all laundry anywhere but the hampers.

I have to admit, I do it too, but I'm also the one who cleans up the messes. I know, "lead by example", but I have to lead by example so much, I figure I should get some slack with laundry.
I find laundry under the couch, in bathroom floors, under beds, once I even found clothes in the freezer. (I'm guessing Sofia did that.) If a hamper is not available, make a pile where the hamper usually sits.

3. Thou shall half-ass all homework and chores.
I understand hating homework and chores as a teen. Hell, I still do. However, they are necessary  evils. If I ask you "Did you do your homework?" what I mean is, "Did you do all of your homework, to the best of your ability, don't lie to me." Also, chores.... If you know I'm going to check, wouldn't you do it right the first time? Or at least not lie about doing it? YOU KNOW I'M GOING TO CHECK! You're going to get caught! I don't understand it.

4. Thou shall proceed to flip out at Heather if something gets lost.
Here's the thing... If YOU lost it, I can't guarantee I'll find it. I'm not in charge of your phone, toy, homework, etc.... I already have enough to do besides find your stuff.

5.Thou shall hover over the cook in anticipation of food.

Back off... I'll let you know when dinner's done. I always have, I always will. Company in the kitchen is welcome, but do not get within 3 feet of me. ( Unless it's for a hug or kiss. I never get tired of those.)

6. Thou shall yell at the person who wakes you up in the morning.
I don't want to wake anyone up in the morning unless I have to. I would rather let everyone sleep while I drink my coffee and blog or watch my shows. I'm doing my family a favor by making sure they get to their respective places on time. I cringe when I flip the boys light on because Sawyer yells almost every morning and Isaiah gives me the go-to-hell look. I would rather throw a pillow at Josh and run, then leave the house for an hour so he can wake up. I have NEVER met a person who hates mornings so much. I try and wake everyone up in the nicest, calmest way possible, but when I'm telling you for the third time to get up, I lose my patience. So, can you guys just make it easier on me, please? After all, the only thing I'm asking you to do is wake up.

7.Thou shall get annoyed when a bill is forgotten...
...or when anything is forgotten for that matter. I have a lot going on in my head, I can't remember everything, and yes, that unfortunately includes important things sometimes. I understand people getting frustrated in that situation, but getting annoyed isn't going to make it better. A simple, "I understand, you have a lot on your plate. Would you like me to do it?" Or, "Mom, it's okay, we can take care of it." would help the situation so much! Most likely, I'll turn your offer down out of pride, but then I won't feel like I need to  get defensive.

8. Thou shall only focus on the things that aren't done.

Laundry? I hate folding it. However, silver lining? It gets washed! There's so much that I get done in one day, but it's easy to not see what did get done and focus on what didn't. Josh is super awesome when he understands that I've done a project instead of cleaning. I was productive on something different that day. Good job! Mix it up! The kids however, are a different story. "Mom! You didn't wash my footie pajamas!" Sawyer completely ignores the other 10 pair of pajamas he has clean. "Mom! You didn't find my show and tell toy!" "Son, that's your responsibility."

9. Thou shall get annoyed when errands must be run.

I hate doing them, too. But they have to be done, sometimes by myself, sometimes with Josh, sometimes with the kids. Being huffy about it, puts me in a bad mood when I already was dreading it as much as you were.

10. Thou shall get into everything that does not belong to you. 
Today I have gotten onto people for getting into my:
Paperwork
Phone
Candles
Food
Bedroom
Paint (Sofia drank it. After an ER visit and a cute picture of her covered in blue paint, she's a-okay.)
and Scissors

I have few things that I get to myself.  If I tell you not to touch it, that's because it's MINE. A mom has to put up boundaries. Mine were crossed today and I'm still grumpy about it.

So  there are our Ten Commandments... What are some of yours?

-Heather

Drill Weekend Is Here Again

 Ah, the ever lovely, ever-present drill weekend. So, most of y'all know that my husband is in The Arkansas National Guard. You know this because one weekend every month I transform into some sappy-faced 13 year old who "misses her hubby SOO much" on Facebook. I mean, I'm kind of that way all the time, but I don't quite flaunt it as much on a regular basis.

 SO, here we are again, except this weekend is a 3 day drill and I woke up feeling like death licked me across the face and then sneezed on it.

Gross.

 I'm lonely and bored, so I thought I would post a probably-boring-to-everyone-but-me blog post.
 So, here's what's been going on the last few days.

I've been trying to get the house clean. It seems like such a simple task, right? No. You're a fool and probably only have one or two very polite children who find joy in helping you with everyday tasks. I know that you are out there, because while reading different blogs and websites to help me figure out how to organize and get the kids interested in chores, I found your pages and I sat loathing your parental awesomeness.

 I used to be that way, too. Now, on any given day, between the pets, the people who live here, and frequent guests, we have 13 bodies roaming the house... The small-ish house... The house that seemed HUGE when we bought it... The house that feels like it's giving my head a mammogram because it's getting so cramped now.

Don't get me wrong, it's NOT the people in the house that's driving me crazy, it's the crap. SO. Much. Crap.

So, what's the cure-all for a crap-filled house? More crap!

Yesterday, Josh took off work to spend time with me since he's been gone so much and he was leaving again. We went to Prairie Market (Our local health food store) for lunch, then we did what this girl grew up doing best... junkin'.
For those of you who don't know what that means, let's just call it vintage or antique shopping in cozy little shops off the beaten path, filled with eclectic people.

Okay, that was me blowing some smoke up somewhere. This is how it really is.
True Story:
We accidentally stumbled onto a rummage sale while driving through the umm... not so pretty side of town. We sorted through other people's crap (they had nice stuff!) and when it came time to check out, there was this amazingly gay man, wearing a button up shirt (with the top 3 or 4 buttons unbuttoned), acid wash jeans,  and was missing a tooth, who sauntered over to us.

Man: "Hi, y'all! How did you hear about us? Was it my signs?! Were they colorful enough? Did they just GRAB YOU'RE ATTENTION?!" (His hands were doing the rainbow wave in the air.)
Me: "Well, we were just driving past and YES! We saw your signs and decide to drop in.
Man: " Excellent! I just wanted them to POP!
Me: "Well, you did a great job!"
Okay, while writing this, this conversation seems mild, but if you were there, you would have heard our enthusiasm and the desperation in my voice to make this man feel fabulous.
I told him I would post about the sale on Facebook and his face went into disbelief, which then turned into utter excitement. He said, "FABULOUS!"
My job was done.
I told Josh I wanted to go back and collect him as my pocket-gay. He was amazing.

Anyways, that's just a mild example of junkin', but basically, you're going through dirty stores, digging through shelves and boxes, looking at whether or not you want to by previously owned awesomeness.

I live for thrift stores, garage sales, pawn shops; They're all like musty treasure chests.

After hitting about ten places, we called it quits and I inventoried my finds. I got 4 small red and clear, blown glass cups, a running suit, a shirt, a mens Hollister shirt, two pairs of mens Hollister shorts, camo seat covers,  a cast iron spoon holder for the stove, 3 Reader's Digest books (I might read them, but I got them because the covers were adorable prints and look awesome on my bookshelf), a cookbook, 4 coffee cups, a beautiful glass bowl, a giant ceramic popcorn bowl, and a soy candle from a new pottery shop in town, all for $45. I think I'm forgetting some things.

So, it was a fun day.

 All right, this might seem abrupt, but I'm ending this post now. The coffee buzz has worn off.

Happy Junkin',
Heather

Heather's Adventures in Dunderland

So. I dyed my hair red.

Not the whole Oh!-you-have-the-prettiest-red-hair-like-Ariel red. More like, I'm-so-tired-of-crappy-normal-colored-hair-so-I'm-going-to-go-crazy red.

 I'm in a rut, folks. I NEEDED change. My sister (who you will NEVER see pictures of on here because my heiny and her foot never want to meet) gave me some hair dye a few months ago. It's been sitting on my bathroom sink since then... until Saturday.

I was watching a movie and I saw this girl who was wild, daring, and most definitely not in a "mom rut." She had the red hair that I have been longing for for 2 years now. I typically stay in the dark reds or dark brown when I dye my hair. It's safe, right?

"Well," I thought, ''I'm a daring person. I kick ass. I can get my husband to look at me like the men in the movie looked at her.'' At least that's what I told myself while I was debating whether or not to go for it.

''I'm a rebel.''

I can't lie, my stomach was in knots when I went to the bathroom to get the bottle. But, with each step towards the bathroom I kept chanting my mantra to myself. "You is daring, You is kick-ass, You is REBEL." (Yes, that's a The Help reference. Good movie. Go watch it.)

My sister-in-law, Bekka, had agreed to do the dying. She shook the bottle and as the bottle came closer, the tighter my legs wrapped around the base of the chair so I wouldn't leave. I thought, "There's time! I don't feel the dye in there yet! I can still be an unnoticed boring little person like always! That's comfortable!" Then I repeated my mantra to myself, and I felt the first glob of dye hit my hair. This was it. I'm going to be AWESOME!

Hair dye glopped all over the counter, the floor, my face. I knew then, this was a sign from the hair gods- this was a mistake.

Too late, idiot!

 I waited the 25 minutes and went to wash my hair out. My shower curtain, tile, bath poufs, and tub all turned hot pink.

 Oh. My. God.

 I rinsed for 20 minutes and my hair was STILL dripping pink. I got out, squeezed what water dye was still in there and went to dry my hair. I hadn't looked in the mirror yet. I should have left it that way. I knew it was a disaster the second I pulled the now hot-pink towel off my head. I teared up for a second and thought, "I've never seen a rebel look like this." As I started drying it to see how bad it really was, I started laughing to myself.


Here's the finished product, folks.

Lovely, big, red spots on my scalp

Fortunately, Josh was nice enough to pick me up some black dye on the way home. I've wanted to dye my hair back to black for awhile now too, so it worked out.

Tada! Back in Black

Rebel

Much better...

Boy, did I learn my lesson. Red is NOT my color and I can be kick-ass without dying my hair.

Rock on, folks. Rock on.


Laters,
 Heather

The Untied States of Heather

 Yesterday, after a chaotic day, my sister-in-law and I were discussing how everyone has multiple personalities. (Mind you, we aren't talking about the kind that take over a body. We were talking about how you can have different sides to you.) But, then the hard questions started coming up; How does one build a wardrobe for the different personalities? What if two different personality's values contradict themselves? Will people understand my blog? I mean, I'm a different person every. single. day.


  I still haven't figured out the wardrobe thing, but since I rarely get out of my pj's, it doesn't really matter. I'm a hot little stay-at-home-mom. How can you resist my unbrushed hair, the flour on my shirt from cooking, not to mention that I won't respond to you unless you call me Mom? (I have a name? What?) Like I said, HOT.


   So, let's begin with the confusing blog posts.
I'm thinking about having different blogs for each personality. You know, naming the personalities, then blogging about what those personalities are interested in. It sounds weird and a bit obsessive, but weird and obsessive are my middle name! I'm concerned that my one blog would seem far too random. But that might be more fun!

  Okay, here are the different sides of me that I need to name. (Oh yeah, this is where the contradiction comes in.)

 The Hippy:
 She's the one who hates when her husband hunts. (Guns are dangerous and Bambi is cute!) She's extremely into essential oils and their healing and cleaning uses. She is interested in organic and all natural foods. Notice I said "interested in", not "practices the eating of". She is liberal and thinks that injustice is one of the worst things in the world. Holistic medicine is her preferred choice when it comes to medical treatment. She thinks herbal teas fix everything.

  The Southerner:
 She thinks it's horrid when men don't open doors, carry the groceries, or stand up to defend their woman. Sweet tea is a must in the fridge, bbq's are a must in the Summer. She scoffs when people take their car to a shop instead of fixing it themselves. She would rather have an extended cab 4-wheel drive Chevy truck instead of a car in the driveway. (Although she loves her car.) She lives for the Arkansas Razorback football season. Hunting season is an exciting time around the house and deer chili is one of the best foods out there!

 The Dude:
 He loves to get under the car with his husband. Broken things are a challenge, not a problem. He is prideful, raunchy, abrasive, and blunt. He drinks beer and smokes ciggs. He spits, burps, and loves shooting guns. He doesn't get out often, but he's always there.

 The Homemaker Part 1:
She's the frazzled homemaker. She's the one who feeds the kids, gives the baths, does the laundry and dishes. All the nasty cleaning is left to her. She handles the money, and is always stressed. She loves staying home and snuggling with her kids (which you can tell she does often when you walk in the door and she's still not showered nor changed her clothes.) Sexy.

The Homemaker Part 2:
 Ahh. She's the 'Bree' of the body. She'll wear an apron all day, arrange flowers in the Spring, make plans for her gardening two seasons ahead of time (Unfortunately, gardening doesn't seem to be something that ANY of my personalities are good at. We just kill things.) She organizes, sews, crafts, and cooks. Oh boy, does she cook. Cookies, cakes, roasts, turkeys, side dishes, she somehow manages to learn to cook anything. (Except for hamburgers. She REALLY sucks at burgers.)

The 13 Year Old:
 She gossips, has a temper, gets involved in drama, and is incredibly sensitive. She doesn't understand other girls, nor does she understand why some adults are idiots. I mean, they're adults. Haven't they learned their lessons yet?! OMG, really...

The Mom:
 She is probably the most annoying by far. She thinks she knows everything and every problem in the world is her responsibility to fix. (She has a plan for the Middle East.) She gets annoyed when people don't take her advice. She tries to mother everyone. She really means well. I mean, she's been in some hairy situations and survived. That advice is worth taking, right? She plans the birthday parties and hands out the punishments. She's neurotic and wants to take the kids to the doctor for everything. It's always a love/hate thing with her.

The  Feminist:
 She can do anything herself. She doesn't need a man to take care of her or stand up for her. She doesn't like thinking the home is her responsibility. Don't tell her she's done something wrong, she intended to do it that way! She would burn her bra, but it's pretty, and those things are expensive!

I'm sure there are more that I haven't thought about, but I can be any of these people all in one day. Some of them I enjoy, and some, well,  I just really hate when they come around. Poor Josh doesn't know who he's going to get at any given moment. I imagine it makes it difficult being married to me. But, he's stayed with it for 6 years. Maybe he's adapted different Josh personalities to deal with my Heather personalities. Hmm... That makes you think.

 Well, y'all, thanks for taking a peek inside my brain. Sorry for the clutter! =0)

 Laters,
 Heather (and some other folks hitching a ride)