There is no light at the end of the tunnel... And that's okay

If you've read any of my posts since December, you've seen my journey with my mom. If you haven't, go back and read them if you want this post to make any sense. 

I have been in an absolute pit of hopelessness and despair over the predicament my sister and I have been in over my mom's living situation. We're out of money to put her in a facility. If she lives with us, we have to live with our childhood bully and she will wreck our kids the same way she wrecked us. If she lives alone, we'll have to worry all the time about if she's okay. 

Do I have a solution? Nope. Sure don't. 

I've said it over and over again; I love my mom even though she doesn't deserve it, but I love my children more. I can't put them in harms way and that's exactly what I would be doing of she came back here. 

After speaking with my friends last night, I was  able to let go of the guilt. I may be a bad daughter (in some people's eyes), but I'm a loving mother who wants to give her children the best chance at life that I can. If that means I'm a bad daughter, so be it. 

Sawyer (my five year old) had a meltdown of epic proportions the other day. I asked him what was worrying his heart. He told me, "Mom, I don't want you to become a grandma." I answered with, " But being a grandma is a great thing! There's nothing wrong with it." He replied, " But when you turn into a grandma, you turn mean like Nonny, and Nonny scares me."

*cue tears and heartbreak*

That was it for me. She CAN'T come back. My children's hearts are so open and so fresh. I can't have them worrying about safety or have grown up worries like that. 

So, here I sit. Unknowing what will happen to mom. To put her in a nursing home for 3 months and 25 days ( the penalty period) it will cost $15,000. Holy cow.

I have felt very magenta lately. That's a Golden Girls reference. Blanche uses it to describe her mish-mash of feelings. I describe it as when you're feeling every emotion possible. None of them make sense, yet, they all make sense. It's not a happy feeling. 

I have discussed my feelings and despair over this situation, but not to the extent that I want to. My mom blamed her mother and her childhood on why she was messed up as an adult. She has never taken responsibility for anything she has done or any way she has acted. It was my sister's and my fault our dads left. It was our fault we had no money. It was our fault she was a hoarder. It was our fault if there was nothing to eat in the house. It was our fault we had no hot water. It was our fault we had no heat. It was our fault we had no kitchen appliances. It was our fault she had depression. It was our fault that we didn't raise ourselves right. It was our fault she had no friends. It was my fault she got fired. 

Obviously, none of those things were our fault. We were children. 

I have carried guilt for those things listed above up until last year. Really, I believed I was responsible for those things. 

I refuse to feel that way. 

I felt if I discussed my childhood openly and honestly and admitted the negative, I would be acting just like her. 

What my friends helped me realize yesterday, was that it was okay to talk about it. I'm going through a healing process, and if I stitch up the wound too quickly and ignore the healing process, I won't heal properly yet again. 

I'm not embarrassed of my childhood anymore. I wasn't the one who did anything wrong. Don't get me wrong. I admit to the stupid things I have done, the poor decisions I have made. I was growing up, learning as I went. No one is perfect. 

What has given me hope and has made me decide it was okay to talk about things without being like my mom, is that even though I had a suck childhood, I learned from mistakes made by both myself and my mom, and grew from them. 

I grew from mistakes- THAT'S the difference between us. I do not dwell. I do not place blame where it isn't deserved. 

It's freeing to hear that despite our background, my sister and I grew into pretty amazing people. 

I was saying last night that I like to find hope and lessons during the hard times. I was having trouble finding one in this.  

BUT, I found one. 

I love who I am. Conceited? Maybe a little. But I'm okay with that. 

A flower has bloomed in the middle of a barren wasteland. 

It may take time, but you can grow something beautiful out of nothing. 

I have a beautiful soul despite it being damaged. 

And That's a little incredible. 

Mother's Day Post: Part Two

This Is my second installment of my Mother's Day posts. The first touched in the women of my past. This one is more light-hearted and fun (y'all are thinking, "Thank God!" I'm sure). This  post is for those ladies who inspire me today. I'm one of those women who grabs beauty and inspiration from anywhere. Luckily, I don't have to look too far. 

My friend Jerian:

I met Jerian as a senior when we worked together at Arby's. We clicked instantly and have been friends ever since. We are very similar, although I'm a homebody and she likes to get out and live life. She has a son and a daughter, so I'm able to get lots of advice from her. She is really one of those supermoms that you hear about. Her kiddos are well behaved, her home is organized and clean, she makes sure everyone has what they need. Without her, her family would simply fall apart. We don't see each other often, and only speak once every couple of months, yet she's one of the first people I call when there's big news. When we do get together or call one another, don't expect to see me for hours. That's my Jerian time! 

I love you, doll! You are one of the most important women i've ever met and you are simply ah-mazing! Love, peck. 

My cousin Amanda:

Growing up, I always thought of her as more of a big sister. We was tight, yo! I admired her and watched everything she did. I wanted to mimic her because she was just that awesome. She is one of the most hilarious people I have ever met. Get some glasses of wine in us and we're on the floor rolling. Nothing is off limits in our conversations and if she has a question, she doesn't sugar coat it. 

Why does she inspire me as an adult? She is rock solid. Her two girls have Cystic Fibrosis. If you don't know what that is, please google it and educate yourself. It's hard on the girls, and it's difficult for parents to watch their kids go through the hospital stays, the breathing treatments, and praying for a cure. 

Amanda has gone through this process with as much grace as one could. She answers strangers questions, she answers the girls questions and worries. She has managed to make the girls understand they can do everything and anything they want to, that they are on the same playing field as everyone else. That's a damn good mom if you ask me!

This woman is a rock! Even when she's down, she manages to stay positive and she exudes happiness everywhere she goes. It's simply incredible. I love you, Mandy-Pandy. 

My friend Crystal:

This is a fairly new friendship, yet it feels like we've been friends for lifetimes. The similarities between us are almost creepy, Just ask our husbands. Since we're so similar, I feel like I can tell her anything and she can instantly relate. She's a working mom, yet manages to keep a home like a stay-at-home mom would. Don't ask me how she does it. Must be magic or something. Haha! I'm excited to see where this friendship leads. I have a feeling it's going to take us to some interesting places. 

My cousin Sarah:

My family must have been decided to come to fruition by God when he was having a really good day because we're pretty rad. As a child, I went to visit my northern relatives for a week. I had never been that far from home and I was scared. I spent the night with Sarah and her family for one of those nights. She was so welcoming and excited that I was there. She took care of me and that was the only night I wasn't scared on that trip. She has grown into a nurturing, kind woman, with a strong streak of sass. Anytime I'm going through something hard, she is the first to remind me to pray. One time in particular, she told me to put on some red lipstick and charge ahead. Those weren't her exact words, but that's how I took it and that's exactly what I do. It's almost like Violet and her ribbon from The  Series of Unfortunate  Events. I slap the lipstick on and feel like I can take the world on. She is the kind of mom who takes charge and fights for what's right for her kids. It's the ultimate mother's love. I love you, Sarah. Remember your lipstick, girl. 

My sister-in-law, Rachel: 

She's a crunchy mama. She's one of those women I call just to vent and can get calm advice from. I don't think I've ever heard her yell... Ever... And I've seen her mad. I have tried to mimic her gentleness, but I quickly learned that's just not me. However, I have learned from her that the right words make a difference regardless of volume. She was the one who introduced me to the holistic world of medicines, food, and cleaning products.  Obviously, I took that and ran with it. I just love this woman! She's so good at picking apart problems until you get to the core of what's really wrong. She prays for us without us even asking. As a child, she had to take on the parenting role as the oldest of 7 children. So, Rachel, I thank you for what you have done for me, but I mostly thank you for looking out for and raising Josh. That's a tall order for a young girl. I would hate to think of what would have happened if you hadn't been there for them. I love you. 

My friend Wendy:

True story, I have never met Wendy in person! Do you guys remember my blog about Christians turning me from God? In the end I said what turned me towards God were women who lived the life and walked the walk instead of just throwing scripture at you and bolting. Wendy is one of those women. She has actually coined the phrase "Jesus-juking" for those scripture throwers. She is my sis Rachel's best friend. I added her on Facebook because I saw her comments on Rachel's page and just thought she was hilarious! Wendy homeschools her 6 children, manages the home, manages finances, cleans, shops, gardens, blogs, all while keeping her sanity. She has inspired me to get fit and eat right. I'm almost convinced she has a secret time stopping watch, because I have no idea how she manages to squeeze in everything that she can accomplish in one day. Truly an inspiring woman!

My sis-in-law Belle:

Yet another one of those time stopping watch owners! Belle came into my life when I was pregnant with Sawyer. Over the years, we have become so close that I consider her one of those in my inner circle of people in my life. She is one of those moms who balances perfectly on that fine line of letting her daughter find who she really is while protecting her at the same time. She thinks outside of the box on so many subjects, and is open minded enough that we can talk about those touchy subjects without me feeling like I have to hold anything back. 

She doesn't just have a green thumb, her whole body is green. She can grow anything and she has an amazing blog called Belle of Dirt where she talks about her plants and projects among other things. I just can't describe how rad she is and how much I love her. I just can't. I'm so lucky to have her in my life. 

Of course there are other women who influence me everyday. There are simply too many to mention all of them. 

Happy Mother's Day, ladies! 

Homemade Butter Tutorial

I had always thought that it was going to take shaking a mason jar of cream for thirty minutes or Little House on the Prairie garb with a butter churn to make my own butter, but I was oh so wrong.

I was scrolling through one of my favorite blogs (The Virtuous Wife) and she had a brilliant way to make butter and buttermilk!

The cost of the heavy cream was the same amount as the store bought butter, so I thought I really didn't have a good reason to actually make my own butter, but you also get buttermilk out of it.

It's kind of a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'm things. 

You get to have fun making butter AND you get buttermilk for biscuits or making your own ranch dressing. 

All you need is:

Heavy cream (it doesn't matter how much)

Cheesecloth or kitchen towel

Mixer with a whisk

                                

Pour your cream into your mixer and start it our on a slower setting

I put a towel over mine because cream WILL fly everywhere

It will start to thicken some, turn up your speed

You'll start to get a whipped cream consistency

It will become even more whipped-creamy

Don't stress, it's supposed to look this way!

You'll see that the butter and buttermilk will start separating. You can add salt at this point if you're making salted.

I know it's getting close because the buttermilk will start flying everywhere. Keep going.

Your butter is finished when most of it clumps together in your whisk. See the buttermilk in the bottom?

I like to slide my cloth under the whisk and over the bowl. Hold your cloth while you get the butter out of the whisk.

Once you've gathered your butter squeeze it over your bowl of buttermilk. Yes, it's messy. Then repeat with what butter is left in your buttermilk.

Butter!

The thing with homemade butter is that you don't have those nifty measurements that are on store-bought wrappers. I actually take a tablespoon and measure, then place in an ice tray. That way I know each cubicle has 1 tbsp of butter.  All it takes is 10 minutes! Sa-weet!