God Smells Like Dirt and Tomatoes

I've been wanting to post this extremely personal story for awhile, but the right day has never really hit me until today.

HONESTY ALERT:

I've had 4 miscarriages. There, I said it. Most of you knew that I had had one, maybe two... but I quit talking about it around the third. Everyone has an opinion and I couldn't handle breaking the bad news to anyone anymore.

This was all in a 1 1/2 year span before Sofia. Two were back to back and then we tried for another year and then had two more back to back.

I was devastated.

After my fourth, I remember laying in bed asking God why this was happening. We were good parents, we were responsible, we were doing everything right! I fell asleep while praying and what happened next still to this day comforts me.

I had a dream. I don't remember where I was or what it looked like. I couldn't see anything that stood out. I remember a warm light and THE most peaceful feeling overcame me. I hit my knees and sobbed the same prayer that I had been praying as I fell asleep. Suddenly, I felt like I was floating and I just felt the sadness (what I can only describe as being "sucked") out of my soul. Not my body. It came from deep, deep inside. Then, I was in a garden. My Grandad's garden from when I was little. Specifically, the row with the tomatoes.

Grandad's garden was my make believe area where I played when I was little. It always felt so safe, so magical, so ... comforting.

Suddenly, I woke up reeling from what I had just experienced.
As  layed my head on my pillow and thanked God for that moment of comfort, a smell caught my attention. It was the distinct smell of dirt and tomatoes. The peaceful feeling from my dream returned and I got excited.

I smacked Josh awake screaming "God smells like dirt and tomatoes! God smells like dirt and tomatoes!" To me it was almost like a breakthrough.
"Oh yeah? You've heard the voice of God? Well I've smelled him!"
Josh was used to me smacking him awake talking about random dreams, but this time he listened intently. You see, at this point I was angry about my babies and I was struggling with what little faith I had left. Josh talked with me and hugged me. I was able to sleep peacefully for the first time in a year.

*************
So this morning I woke up to our refrigerator being broken. I panicked and called Josh almost in tears. This is just one thing in a long line of things that have gone wrong lately. He calmed me down (some) and I decided today would be the perfect day to write this post. I needed to remember that times have been worse and that we would get through hard times again... and to ENJOY the smallest things like certain smells, sights, or memories that comfort me.

-Heather

Slap Yo Mama Bologna Sandwich

So this is my first time blogging from my phone, so I have no idea how this is going to turn out.

I came up with a new recipe today that hasn't quite been perfected yet, but I figured I would share the beginnings.
It's basically a gourmet bologna mess, but man it tasted great!

Slap Yo Mama Bologna Sandwich

2 slices whole wheat bread
1 slice bologna
2 slices tomato
1 tsp chopped green onions
Arugula lettuce
Mushrooms (to your liking)
Mayo
1/2 tsp dill
Salt and pepper to taste

Basically you slap it together and nosh.
You could toast the bread, or sautéed the mushrooms, or fry the bologna.... You get the idea. Cheap and filling. Not for everyone, I know.

Happy noshing!

One Word 2013 ~ Enjoy

I can't believe how excited I am to be writing this post for you guys!

It's been awhile since I've posted and the last few blogs have been kind of dark. But, they were honest and what was on my mind at the time, so that's what you guys got.

However, those of you who know me, know I'm not typically a depressing person. I have been depressed for about a year now, struggling with my anxiety and sadness. It's my life and I don't think any medication or therapy can fix it. However, I won't let it define me anymore.

What I can do is learn to live with it and push it back as much as possible. I know, not conventional at all, but I've tried everything and I think this is all that's honestly going to work. Which brings me to the excitement part of this post.

I was reading one of the blogs that I follow called All My Arrows. She posted about a yearly challenge called One Word 2013 in her post.

At first, I was like, "Great, another challenge for the New Year. I can't even manage to post regularly let alone complete some challenge."

However, after I rad what it was about, I realized I don't have to make a button for my blog (I don't even know how to properly work my twitter account. P.S. Here's my Twitter page and my Facebook.), and I don't have to go by the "rules" whatever they may be.

I just simply have to remember one word throughout the year.

You see, instead of resolutions and goals, you choose a word- one word- as your mantra for the year.

I figured it would take me forever to find my one word that encompasses all of my goals for this year. As I was driving the kids to school this morning, I was looking at the frost on the landscape and thinking, "I used to really enjoy the most simple things- like frost. Why can't I ENJOY anything any-  Oh my gosh! Enjoy! That's my word!"

When I get stressed over finances, kids, relationships, get caught up in the moment, or let worry take over my thoughts instead of me focusing on what's in front of me, I simply remind myself to ENJOY what's going on.

It sounds kind of cheesy, but It changed my view on things already. I enjoyed the frost, the slow traffic so I could take advantage of the conversations with the kids in the car, Sawyer taking forever to get his show-and-tell out of his bag because he was so excited, and Sofie taking the long way from the car to the front porch to discover why the ground crunched.

I've already seen an improvement in my attitude and mindset. So, needless to say, I'm pretty stoked!

So, what's your word for the New Year?! I can't wait to hear!

Happy pondering-
Heather