When I Said "I Do"

 I've been asked a lot lately about marriage advice and I've been told what a great couple we are, and that we have such a great marriage.

And we do... now.

But if you had asked me 9 years ago if we had a great marriage, I would have made a list of all of the things I felt were lacking in our marriage and the ways I wanted Josh to change to suit me.

Pretty harsh, right? 

Thankfully, with time comes wisdom. By God's grace and the fact that we refused to give up on one another, we'll celebrate our 10th anniversary in January. 

We entered our marriage after a whirlwind 6 months of dating long distance (he was at basic training). He was then deployed for another year and I had romanticized the whole time about what it would be like when he finally got home and we could start our life together. 

The truth is though, when he got home, nothing was how I expected it to be. 
I felt cheated on the whole marriage thing because movies had showed it to be so different from how it actually was. 

My parents divorced when I was 2. They fought for years afterwards and my mom hated men and thought that females were the superior gender. Josh's parents had a rocky marriage that had very traditional gender roles. Neither of us had a solid foundation to model our marriage after. 

We were completely lost and our ideas of what made a marriage were contradictory to one another. You can imagine how well this all came together for us... There were power struggles, harsh words, and unrealistic expectations of one another.

After our first big fight (one month after he got home), I was ready to throw in the towel. I remember running into the bathroom and trying to lock myself in while Josh was trying to come in to comfort me. The crack of the door opening reflected in the mirror and as I glanced into our reflections, my heart broke. 

I was pushing on the door with tears running down my face, hair a mess, and mascara running down my cheeks. Josh was pushing on the other side with a look of desperation and determination on his face. After giving up, I slid down the door and put my head in my knees, and Josh was finally able to push his way into the bathroom. I looked at him and said one of the most important things I have said to date, "I don't know how to be married." 

That sentence seems simple enough, but it was a game changer for me. 
I had admitted out loud that I had no clue what I was doing. Being the couple of know-it-alls that we are, that humbling moment of confessing to one another that we didn't know it all was enough for us to take a step back and open our hearts to learn how to love one another and how to build up our marriage instead of tearing it down.

If I didn't know how to be married, then I was going to learn, even if it killed me, and at times, situations hurt me so badly that I felt like it could. So, I set out to study. I studied blogs, books, my husband, myself, and eventually, after coming to know Christ, God's word. 

The next 6 years were the hardest. Yes, I said 6 years. Here's the thing: It takes years of work and studying to learn about your spouses likes, dislikes, habits, character, personality, insecurities, and quirks.

It takes years of not only learning, but practicing the right way to fight and the best way to communicate, learning when it's time to fight for something and when it's the right time to just be quiet, and learning when it's time to help your spouse fix a situation and when it's time to just listen to them vent. 

I've read from many resources over the years, but the one that changed my marriage the most was the Bible. I know, that sounds cliche and those of you who don't believe in it are probably saying, "Oh, here she goes." I know, because I've been you before. Just bear with me. The thing is, It's the one resource I read that was all encompassing of the one thing that needed to change: Me.

I poured through the book of Proverbs (not just chapter 31) and realized that I wasn't just neglecting being the wife that God required me to be, but most importantly, I realized that I was neglecting being the person that God requires me to be. I had wanted Josh to change so badly, that I overlooked my own flaws! And I had many. The only person in this world that I have control over is myself. Once I realized this, I began to work on my own character qualities. 

It still amazes me at how quickly our dynamic changed. I was no longer taking Josh's role as leader from him. I encouraged him to lead our household and he finally felt respected. I was softer in the way I spoke to him, I offered input only when it was asked for, and I learned to trust him in all the areas of our home life. I gave him what he longed for and I had vowed that I would continue giving it even if it wasn't reciprocated. That's where grace comes in. I realized that even after all of the years I rejected God, He still cared for me, loved me, and had my best interest in mind. I decided that I was going to do the same for my husband.

I became an easier person to love. Josh's guard was no longer up. He was no longer waiting for the inevitable, "Why didn't you do it this way? You should have listened to me. Just let me do it." I learned to tell him how I was feeling without being accusatory and blaming. 

Y'all, let me tell you, when I became an easier person to love, he poured his love toward me like never before. We were finally on the same page with each other. It was us against the world at that point. We were a team with the same goals. 

I can't tell you how good it feels to know that I have someone who has my back, who knows me better than I know myself, who knows how to cheer me up and calm me down, who knows when to hug me, and when to buy me a snickers. He is my best friend. It takes work, but the reward is so sweet.

Here we sit 10 years in and even though the process has hurt at times, it was worth every second if we get to spend the next 60 years together as partners in time. Yes, we still argue. Yes, we still get hurt. But it's few and far between now.

I pray that this has helped those of you who are in those hard years. Don't give up. Seek out counsel, pray, study, and, remember that your spouse is a human just like you. "I'm sorry" and I forgive you" go a long way.

Until next time,

 

Healthy Life, Happy Wife

I have no idea how this post will look when it gets published. I usually write on my phone and then go to the desktop to edit font size and spacing, but we're having technical difficulties in the Cook home this morning, so that's a no go. So, I'm sorry if it looks a little... off.

Anyways, good morning, friends! I hope this week is treating you well so far. I just wanted to give a little update to those who don't follow me on Facebook about the goings on around here.

Last week, Josh and I decided to do a life overhaul. It started when we quit smoking. In the past, we've replaced cigarettes with poor eating habits. It's pretty normal for that to happen,  but we decided the key to quitting both habits for the long term was to completely change all aspects of our health. We know what good things should go in our bodies, and what bad things to keep out, but knowledge and practice are two completely different things.

This time is different. We aren't getting younger and our bodies are feeling and showing the effects of the abuse we've done to ourselves. For me personally, my weight has yo-yo'd up and down 20 pounds for years and I have stretch marks to prove it. Years of tanning and smoking has left me with questionable freckles and wrinkles. My skin is constantly dry and flaking from drinking too much coffee and not enough water. My blood sugars are all over the place which causes epic mood meltdowns and overeating when they get too low. But the biggest blow is my self esteem.

We went bra shopping a couple of months ago and my band size had ballooned into the special section of the lengerie where you're forced to buy bras that look like they should hold potatoes instead of your chest, and have a broad and fun range of only 3 colors. I was devastated and I had a breakdown in the middle of Target. Needless to say, our fun date had turned into a disaster and I made the decision that we should invest in a treadmill. That ended up being our next stop.

I've been running at least 4 days a week, but I knew that wasn't enough. I needed to be able to breathe while I ran, so we ditched the smoking. My biggest change though is our diet. We've always sort of eaten healthy, but I knew we could up our game by a lot. Fortunately we had a bare fridge and pantry, so it was easy to restock with our new diet. We bought as much organic as we could afford (Aldi makes that much easier to do), we bought seafood and chicken for our meats (we prefer those meats anyways), we bought tons of fruits and veggies, cut down our carbs because many carbs carry hidden sugars, and we stocked up on smoothie ingridients.

We put the groceries in the car and Josh looked at me and said, "We bought chia seeds and ground flax. We've gone full on crunchy. We're really doing this."

Yup, we sure are.

And I'm excited.

Here's a peek into my workout schedule and my daily diet as of right now.

Workout:
Monday I work my arms.
Wednesday I work my core.
Friday I work my legs.
Tuesday and Thursday I do a 20 minute run.
Saturday I run sprints.
Sunday I rest.

I have this schedule and the times I'm going to do these written on a calendar by the treadmill to hold myself accountable and to make sure I don't get overwhelmed when I think long term. It's one day at a time.
I also try to do as many activities that I can in the yard that don't seem like a workout but are. Gardening,  mowing, jumping on the trampoline, etc...
Y'all, yard work is TOUGH. I made new flowerbeds yesterday and my arms ache so much today.

Diet: This really varies day-to-day and I've already explained what foods we've chosen to eat. On top of this, I drink water.
So. Much. Water.
I'm peeing constantly.
I also add chia seeds to as many recipes as possible because they expand when wet, so they're a good filler to help you not eat too much. We've tried to do smoothies for breakfast as often as possible because it helps us to detox.

It's only been one week, so weight loss hasn't happened for me yet. I have PCOS, and it makes losing weight so much harder than it should be. I'm not too worried about weight though. I'm more focused on gaining muscle and losing inches. For my body type, I gain muscle pretty easily and I lose inches easily, so I'm seeing some of that already. My neck, arms, shoulders, and legs are already toning up. My midsection is the tortoise in this race though, and that's the area I'm most self concious about, so that's kind of a bummer. But it'll happen one day. I have so much more energy now. The chores aren't as daunting because I actually feel like doing them and honestly, when I have a good workout in the A.M., I kind of have this I-am-woman-hear-me-roar attitude the rest of the day. I've also noticed that my eyes are brighter and my skin is more glowing. I don't know if it's because I'm hydrated, or if it's the diet or exercise. But I do know it makes me happy when I look in the mirror.

If you decide to start this journey, please remember that every little change is a good thing. You don't have to go balls-to-the-wall like we did. Also, your body is different than mine. You may need a different routine or diet. Do research and listen to your body. Note what works and what doesn't.

Thanks for going on this journey with me. You guys are part of my accountability and I'll post more updates later!

Love,
Heather

50 Facts About Me

Seeing as it's another freezing, dreary day here in Arkansas, I figured this would be a great day to share random facts about myself. It's always weird (and difficult) coming up with these facts, but I'll do the best that I can!

1. I am a sibling and an only child. (This is what happens when you have a half-sister from your mom, and you are the only child of your dad.) Never thought about it like that? Well, now you can't stop.

2. I can sing Silent Night in German thanks to my high school choir director. (Hey, there, Mr. Street!)

3. Yes, I was a choir nerd in school, and yes, I can sing. In fact, I sing unapologetically on the treadmill every morning.

4.  My favorite season is whichever is the next one coming up. By the time a season rolls around, I've already celebrated it in my head, so I move on to the next.

5. I have impeccable aim when I play trash can basketball. But heaven forbid I ever get a goal when shooting a real basketball.

6. I have created a strategy guide in my head about eating at a buffet to maximize the experience, and I always follow it.

7. I LOVE shiny things, whether it's glitter, ice, or tail lights in the fog. I can literally sit and stare at anything shiny for an unreasonable amount of time. It's almost caused me to wreck more than once.

8. I hate being alone. Can't stand it. I thrive best when there are other people around. I'm a scary person left to myself.

9. I love to talk. It doesn't matter if I know you or not, once I'm comfortable around you (which takes around 15 minutes if you aren't super creepy), I just don't shut up. This is especially true when I'm watching a movie, so sorry to friends and family that have to deal with that. 

10. I get overstimulated easily by television shows and movies. I'm known to take breaks during the viewing so I can calm down and reel in my emotions. Which brings me to...

11. I am extremely empathetic. No, I'm not bragging, because I don't see it as a good thing. I have very few negative people in my life for this reason. If there's an extremely heavy conversation that happens, I love listening and sharing advice or my own stories, but I have to have a short period of meditation afterwards to shake the feelings of the person I'm speaking to out of my system. It's weird, but I guess it happens. 

12. I'm a genealogy enthusiast and have tracked my family's heritage back to the 1500's.

13. I had a recurring nightmare for a year after watching Stephen King's The Stand. I didn't sleep longer than 30 minutes at a time the first week because I was so terrified. I still haven't watched the movie in its entirety again.

14. Sudden, loud noises make me extremely angry. Screaming, gun shots, hammers, etc... 

15. I'm obsessed with essential oils. Love me some lavender.  

16. I was an extreme germophobe from the age of 10-17. If I thought someone was sick, I would hold my breath until I wasn't around them. If they touched the top of my cup, I wouldn't use it. This is hilarious considering the fact that my house was a mess because of mom's hoarding. 

 17. When I meet you, I'll treat you like my best friend until you give me a reason not to. I just don't see why I should hold back if I have no reason to not trust or like you.

18. I'm color blind. No, that does not mean that I only see black and white. It means that I can't tell what some colors are. I can clearly tell primary colors, but when colors start mixing to make other colors, all bets are off. There was an ongoing dispute between Josh and myself about our couches one time. Apparently our couches were green, I thought they were brown. It's like, WHY did no one tell me?! How could they let me but green couches. Now I have to ask everyone else what color something is before I buy anything. And it's an ongoing game with my family. "What color is this, Heather? Nope! It's this color!" I am not amused.

19. Next January, Josh and I will have been married for a decade. That blows my mind.

20. I always forget that I'm 4'11... Until someone rests their arm on my head. 

21. I've had nail polish on my toes every single day for 17 years.

22. I just had to use a calculator to figure that out because I'm terrible at math.

23. If I know you really well, I'll sing my conversation to you instead of speaking it.

24. I always come up with song parodies in my head, and I'm happy to report that has been passed down genetically to both of my kiddos.

25. I love cats. If God-forbid something tragic ever happened to Josh, I would never remarry. I would use the life insurance to adopt as many cats as possible and I would enjoy being ignored (except for feeding time) time by all of my new furry friends.

26. I love storms. I'm terrified of them, but I love them. Does that even make sense?

27. My favorite comfort food is Pepsi, Oreos, and ice cold almond milk.

28. Clutter drives me insane. As in, I cease to function. I'll mope around in a helpless daze until it's gone.

29. I obsess over money. I have to know down to the penny how much is in the bank at all times. It's not that I obsess over how to get more money, I just need to know that we have enough. Checking the bank is the first thing I do when I wake up and the last thing I do before I go to bed. I have gotten somewhat better since Josh has been handling our money, but the fear is always there.

30. I whole-heartedly believe in ghosts. I can't explain what they are or where they come from, but I know they exist, and they scare the fire out of me. 

31. The house that I grew up in is extremely haunted and is one of the most terrifying places to be alone.

33. I love shooting guns, and I'm a pretty good aim. Remember that if you ever try to break into our house.

34. When I was little, all I would eat at buffets were ham cubes, shredded cheese, and any kind of shrimp they had. 

35. I love climbing trees. In fact, when Josh was in Iraq, I would climb the oak tree in my backyard to write him his letters.

36. I used to give rides to strangers until a little old man turned down my offer for a lift and scolded me for 15 minutes about how dangerous it was. Then I had to promise him that I would never do it again. I haven't.

37. My cousin and I dressed up as Claude and Claudette (the mascots for a local festival in town) one year. It was hot, miserable, and kids threw rocks at us. BUT, we got free t-shirts that said STAFF, so it was worth it.

38. Josh and I used to sing on a praise team at church, and I desperately miss it.

39. I will eat sour candy until my mouth peels from it. I did this just the other day. Nothing tastes right still.

40. I have discussions and pep talks with inanimate objects if they aren't doing what I want them to.

41. The only Disney Princesses I ever pretended to be were Pocahontas and Belle. I may still do this from time to time.

42. I love lists. I have about 15 ongoing  lists stored in my phone. These aren't counting the lists I have in my notebook that I carry with me.

43. I love notebooks. I have a terrible memory, so I have to write down more things than the average person. I recently purged about 10 notebooks that were full of random lists and memos to myself. I made a pledge to only use one at a time from now on. 

44. My sister and I are extremely close, even when we fight.

45. I would rather pay a person to scratch my back than to massage it.

46. I have had an unhealthy crush on Bruce Willis ever since I saw him in The Fifth Element.

47. I don't sleep at all when I know Josh isn't going to be home. 

48. If I could go back to 16 year old me, I would hug the crap out of her, and then smack her upside the head.

49. When I'm mad at someone, I'm known for forgetting about it within an hour. I can't stay mad at people.

50. I have the life that I always dreamed of when I was little.
That. Is. Awesome.